Darkness

[futurefocussed]

I don't even know where to start
Here's what I know
I have a mum who isn't there
She became that way when I was fourteen.
I feel like it's my fault
That I wasn't good enough for her to stay sane for.
I have two lives in a sense
Past in who I was and
Who i left behind
Present in who I am
And where I am now
Last week i forced them to mix
Last week I had a funeral
She was from my past
The past mixed with the present
No one understands
I call it my past life
I don't associate with my past life
It's not worth associating with it
They all hate me
What I did
My dad forgives me
But they don't see that
That in their eyes
I'm still manipulative
Still all about me
They don't see
They'll never see
They weren't there when I needed them
They deserted me
When I needed them
Stuff them
Graduation
Uni
Ridicule
Rejection
Outcast
Loner
Failure
Change
Dad
That he still manipulates
But that he thought of me
Tonight though
Darkness
Tired
Lost
Alone
Deserted
Hurt
That I'm the parent
The wife
I was 14
I didn't deserve that
No mother
I was mums sounding board
I was fourteen
I was dad's marital counsellor
Fourteen years old
Parental problems
Outcast
Teenager
Still too young
Not appropriate
Dad talked about sex
We bonded over porn
I don't want to remember
I was a kid
Fourteen
No mother
Wife
Counsellor
Outcast
Brothers hated me
There was no one else
I don't remember
I am learning
Boundaries

My view of father is wrong
Porn addict
User
Manipulative
Selfish
Desperate
Hoarder
Duty
Obligation
Controlling
Fear

I'm still the dumping ground
Only 1.5% of the time
Obligation
Mum has no one
But me
Dad controls her
Mum has lost her drive
Passion
Assertiveness
Life

 

[Chiqui]

I don't even know where to start
Here's what I know
I have a mum who isn't there
She became that...

I have read it. So, so sorry for your pain...

 

[Toadette]

very heartfelt, some parts I could really empathize with. *hugs* if you accept them