Dealing with being seen

[Deleted member 36028]

I suspect this links heavily into my low self esteem and struggle to find a sense of worthiness in myself, but it feels more then that.

The notion of being seen and wanting to hide creeps in to my therapy sessions and my everyday life to the point I have now reach a stalemate in my recovery. The idea of some one seeing me and mean really seeing be past the jokes that make me seem indifferent or stupid, the anger that pushes people back etc etc, well the idea cripples me. Despite being a competent driver I cannot hate being examined and nerves get the best of me. I often fail in assessed group discussions because of it and have had to quit a course as a result. In therapy i control even my nervous rocks and refrain from over reacting even when dissoicating I stop my self from demonstrating how on guard i am. The idea makes my skin crawl. It makes me greatly upset.

 

[Friday]

I don’t use my name, and I pay in cash.

I’m no one special, there’s no reason for them to not know my name (also no reason for them to), but it lets me work around my own paranoia issues.

Which means I don’t have any good advice on how to work through those issues, just that you’re not alone in having them.

 

[StellaBlue]

I have had (and still do have, to some extent) this. I think "being seen" means being open to being hurt - so not being seen is safer. I used to have this kind of childlike magical thing where "If I can't see you, you can't see me" - so I wouldn't wear my glasses places, or I'd keep my head down. It takes a lot of effort to allow myself to be seen. I still find it a little creepy in therapy, where one is supposed to be the focus.

 

[jaccat]

I get it, to the point where I get triggered by eye contact. Much easier to be invisible. I’m curently working on it in T, but it’s the toughest thing we’ve tackled to date.

 

[Mach123]

I have had (and still do have, to some extent) this. I think "being seen" means being open to being hurt - so not being seen is safer. I used to have this kind of childlike magical thing where "If I can't see you, you can't see me" - so I wouldn't wear my glasses places, or I'd keep my head down. It takes a lot of effort to allow myself to be seen. I still find it a little creepy in therapy, where one is supposed to be the focus.

Little kids cover their eyes and think they are invisible but it only lasts a day or so. I remember watching one of my kids do it. So cute.

 

[Ronin]

Theres also the bit of, what people see and what they think they see / how they interpret it? Two wildlly different things, often times.

You may be in plain view but that does not mean you are really seen.

 

[Deleted member 36028]

Yea I often feel misinterpreted by my therapist

 

[Interiority]

My issues with being “seen” in therapy relate to my therapist having what I perceive as a limited view of me. I fear that I will be reduced to my trauma and nothing more. My T says she listens intently and gets a sense of her clients and then told me about myself (all things that were true btw). But still, I wonder how you can fully be seen if you are only talking about the problems in your life and not spending time on your strengths. She says we are getting close but I don’t understand how you get close with someone where the relationship is so one sided and your whole personhood is not shared. So I have no good answers but all this is to say that I struggle with being seen too and I wonder if I just put up barriers to all that with all these concerns and fears. Perhaps it’s easier to think she can’t really see me then have the vulnerability of truly being seen.

 

[TruthSeeker]

......I wonder if I just put up barriers to all that with all these concerns and fears. Perhaps it’s easier to think she can’t really see me then have the vulnerability of truly being seen.

I struggled w attachment stuff, closeness, getting close was feeling icky, accepting my Ts dumb ideas-( I thought they were st the time-like getting comfort items- feel different now), being different, and so forth. I intellectualized her to death, questioned every breath she took, her body language, and amazingly recalled everything she said and did so I could be ready to defend. . I found when I realized I wanted to move past that stage, a stuck place, something inside would happen and I took the risk to share my talents as well as my oh so many issues. For the first 9 months to a year of therapy, I felt I was in danger- so that’s all we talked about. That was frustrating. Sharing my talents, funny things, spiritual beliefs, gave T a truer perspective of me and then one day we laughed about something that happened. Laughing was something I hadn’t done in ages- always so serious- it felt good. Sharing my crazy insiders and thoughts- made the whole process feel more authentic. Until I started wanting her to know more, (I had known hiding, people not knowing the real me as a normal lifelong defense, it felt safe- and good) and giving up the facade I’d built- I was the therapy stopper. If they don’t know me, can’t hurt me philosophy I used for everyone.... but hanging w that belief- I was unable to move forward. Find the good in you and your talents to share.... it can be helpful. I now bring in art, photos, videos, books, poetry to share-creating more depth to the relationship.

 

[jade53]

@Friday : I hope it's as encouraging for you as it is for me seeing that I'm apparently not the only person who pays cash as much as possible. In my case to avoid the invariable reaction from "strangers" seeing that the spelling of my name looks like it should be pronounced death. I mean seriously, if that were the case, wouldn't anyone with a sound mind change it :)

 

[grit]

My issues with being “seen” in therapy relate to my therapist having what I perceive as a limited view of me. I fear that I will be reduced to my trauma and nothing more. My T says she listens intently and gets a sense of her clients and then told me about myself (all things that were true btw). But still, I wonder how you can fully be seen if you are only talking about the problems in your life and not spending time on your strengths. She says we are getting close but I don’t understand how you get close with someone where the relationship is so one sided and your whole personhood is not shared. So I have no good answers but all this is to say that I struggle with being seen too and I wonder if I just put up barriers to all that with all these concerns and fears. Perhaps it’s easier to think she can’t really see me then have the vulnerability of truly being seen.

I do not want to take away from the poster...but your post really touched me. I have had exactly the same thing over and over about the therapy and the process. for me and I am still working on this is that I recognized that as a child, or baby, the relationship is sort of one sided to a point. a child needs a mother more than a mother needs a child. So in therapy, I feel I am working through those things...learning how to need a person and feel it and then use my adult version in therapy (the part that does not come in often but pays for the therapy and recognizes these things) to integrate with the needy side of me and become whole. It is my understanding my trauma made me grow too fast and I never learned all the little things children learn, how to love unconditionally, how to play and feel so safe that I know momy wont drop me. These things become flesh as we grow...but my flesh is empty only my mind is full. so I need to learn those things and let my guard down in therapy and trust my mind. I will write more another time.

 

[grit]

Sorry I had to abruptly leave.
@0smile0

On being seen or the need to be seen. One of the most important developmental level for a child is the gazing phase. I am also damaged in that area and honestly for your to recognize this is a need is really good. I hope you find a way to accept the damage done to you as a child and heal this part of you.

As for me, it feels that my mother never looked at me as a child and I struggled with eye contact. I think a deeper level is probably the feeling (as a result of this developmental deficit) that I feel I am not recognized for my value and have some low esteem issues as well.

All connected and one damage just ripple affect so many layers.