Dealing With Good And Bad Flashbacks

[Wolvescry]

A couple of weeks ago I hit a giant mess of triggers. Since then I feel more hostile then usual so I been staying home more. I make sure to plan some events to keep me busy and to get out so I do not fully isolate myself. But it is so hard, especially because I feel fear and shame, and I worry my state is to defensive right now. Everyday is full of memories and flashbacks. Simple things set me off. My usual grounding techniques are not as effective. My eyelids swell shut from all the tears. On those days I can't go out, I do not want anyone to suspect anything is wrong with me. So I stay and hide from the world and myself. This makes me sad because I feel most do not understand, they assume I am just being lazy and it hurts to be trapped in my own turmoil and be treated as if I am bad for that.

My flashbacks are more vivid lately, sounds, lighting, smells. But I have been having good ones too. I do not have many good memories as a child, but there is a time a remember feeling happy and safe as a child. You see my mom dated a man who was much older then she. No one ever told me he had kids, but I can tell by the way he treated us, like he had done it before. His kids were all grown up. Anyway he was kinda of a jerk sometimes, but he was also so kind. He took us to a cabin out on a beautiful lake for a week, and taught us so many things, he read stories to us every night and tucked us in, he never abused us. He treated us like a parent would treat his children. I hold on to that person, and wish I can thank him for the way he treated us. He was always very strict to my brother and sister, they did not like my mom dating him and didn't listen very well. But I saw he made my mom happy, and I new my dad was not a good person, the guy she dated was so I was happy to listen. He was a good man, I have to hold on to that. If I didn't I would be worst off then I am now.

My mom ended up leaving him for another man, he was also nice and a good man, he just hated kids and never treated us like we were his. More like a burden that came with my mom. But I can never deny he was smart and kind.

You have to hold on to good memories, otherwise you become stuck in your own mental hell. I am holding on to that memory so I can hide from the other ones. I can hide in my bed in that cozy cabin, and listen to a silly story about a kangaroo with someone who is safe, and is not going to hurt me, someone who wants to just care about me with no alternative motives. I can hide in that bed and be safe. That is where you can find me. I am safe. I am safe.

 

[franciemarnie]

It is a good thing to remember good times. Painful memories shouldn't be more powerful but they are because of evolution.

I am glad you wrote about those happy moments. I remember staying with my grandmother. I felt safe and happy for a little while. She was kind and loving and good. I remember that a lot. It is worth making the effort to remember.

I know it is hard right now. Anyone judging you without the facts is literally ignorant. Good people give you the benefit of the doubt. You will get thru this. All things pass. Try to make it easy on yourself. I am getting thru a rough time too right now. I have been here before. The light will come again.

 

[greenleaf]

Thank you for mentioning some good memories as part of flashbacks. I've been having chunks of good emotional connections to bits of childhood things come back recently, and no one ever mentions this that I've noticed when talking about getting memories back. I also have a lot of vague strong painful feelings that I kind of know have a meaning but I really have no clue what, if I try to exactly talk about them with my therapist. My "memories" of these childhood periods for years are sort of descriptive; I haven't had the emotion from the time connected; I look at them from the outside, and do feel things about them but it's not the same. Staying with difficult feelings is something I'm really good at not doing. I'm recently noticing that I'm chronically maybe mildly derealized, dissociating, or something like that, with fun bouts of worse things.

So, thanks again @Wolvescry for mentioning those. It is good to get a few little positive things back, they feel "bright" somehow.

 

[Hermie]

A couple of weeks ago I hit a giant mess of triggers. Since then I feel more hostile then usual so I b...

It is good to hear and sad at the same time, that other people experience the same problems. I was shot in the head as a teenager and now I am in my 40's and my ptsd has become a lot worse. I do feel ashamed by it and I also want to just hide. I rarely feel safe and I realize that most people don't understand. Actually, I'm glad they don't have to, but it would make me feel better at times if I had a physical problem instead of ptsd, then people would be able to sympathize easier.