(Long Post, you can skim if you like)
Hi, this is actually my first post and my first time ever discussing any of this with anyone.I really only created this account in the hope of getting some feedback or maybe some advice in this area of my life.
I'm currently 18 years old and just starting college, and for literally, the past 5 years, I have at least 3 or more terrifying and unsettling dreams every single night that are extremely vivid. I have a tendency to remember my dreams in great detail, and throughout the night, I am constantly waking up. We moved into the rent house we're currently living in when I was 13, and that is when the dreams really first started. From about 13-15, they were vividly disgusting, terrifying, and gruesome. I would generally dream about torturous situations, people being dismembered, chased down to be put into torture chambers, and I would vividly feel and see all that was happening. The dreams were usually very bloody and also, very violent and painful.
From about the age 15- 16, my dreams each night became more focused on demonic things, which in my opinion were much more difficult to bear each night then the violent, torture dreams. This stage didn't really seem to last as long, though, and now I'm 18 and for the past 2 years about, my dreams are very empty and cold. There is absolutely no feeling, no love, it is just cold emptiness with demonic features thrown in. It is absolutely terrible, and I feel like I haven't gotten a genuine peaceful, refreshing night of sleep in years.
Just a little background:
My dad is a pretty serious alcoholic and is severely depressed. My mother has no real sense of what it means to be a mother; she is very cold and reserved about feelings. She's a hoarder and has issues of her own. I won't go into any of that, but I will just paint a quick picture. My dad started taking pretty strong medicine for his depression when my sister started getting into heavy drugs at 13. I'm not entirely sure why, or what really happened, but he seemed to have lost his mind for a few years there and any interaction involved with him was us being verbally assaulted and abused, beaten, and my sister and I would lock ourselves into the bathroom for hours at a time in order to avoid his rampages; he would literally chase us around the house to beat us. (I think this is where my intense fear of being chased at all comes from) but anyway, After these moments of insanity, he would sit in his rocking chair and rock back and forth with a beer in his hand laughing insanely screaming "The Devil is Gone. The Devil is Gone." (this is what he tended to call my sister) he would constantly remind her that she was the devil come to haunt him and other things. Yeah, like I said, something popped in his brain for this period. During these times, my mother would just sit and watch and sometimes, she would just leave me alone with him during these times. This is something that really gets to me, to this day.
My childhood was very loving and happy (from my perspective; there was probably a lot of dysfunction going on behind closed doors.) I think this is what really got to me. The extreme speed at which my life changed from sanity and love to utter chaos, instability and hatred. It's almost as if one night my dad would be tucking us into bed, playing us the beatles in the background to put us to sleep..and then the next...just utter betrayal; beating, being called awful things. I think as a child, I just couldn't wrap my brain around any of this, especially with the way I was pretty much completely abandoned by my mother at this time. Nothing from her except cruel words, also.
Anyway, my sister had to go through a court system and we were ordered to leave the apartment we had been living in and move into the house we're been renting for 4 years now. At first, the insanity carried over. But then, everything was immediately pushed into the closet. My dad changed his depression medicine and slept literally all day; I never saw him. My mother followed in his lead and got another job to stay away from home. Long Story Short, nothing was ever discussed. In fact, I think my dad literally has no recollection of those years at all; My mother would never admit to anything, I'm not sure what she remembers; she is a very prideful woman, so she will never admit any wrongdoing.
As you can see, talking things out was never an option and I feel like I've never had any real closure. The past few years, I've dedicated myself to releasing resentments, insecurities, pretty much everything, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I have a lot of issues that would only make this post longer, so we won't go there. I've made a lot of progress, but looking at my dream state, I feel like, truly, I haven't made any at all.
I'll wrap this up, because it's getting long. Really, I was just wondering if anyone else deals with nightmares to this extreme, and how to cope with them, and if possible, fix this situation. I'm starting college now, and all I really want right now, is to let this burden go, you know? It's really been holding me back. My boyfriend of two years, he never dreams at night, and he sleeps like a baby. It's amazing how people can take the littlest things for granted, isn't it? At this point, I can barely even remember what it feels like to have a deep, restful, peaceful sleep. It truly is one of the most beautiful aspects of life :p a peaceful sleep!
So does anyone have any ideas? Or is this just something I'm going to have to accept in my life and deal with accordingly? Thanks for taking the time to at least look this over; I appreciate it if you did.
Hi, this is actually my first post and my first time ever discussing any of this with anyone.I really only created this account in the hope of getting some feedback or maybe some advice in this area of my life.
I'm currently 18 years old and just starting college, and for literally, the past 5 years, I have at least 3 or more terrifying and unsettling dreams every single night that are extremely vivid. I have a tendency to remember my dreams in great detail, and throughout the night, I am constantly waking up. We moved into the rent house we're currently living in when I was 13, and that is when the dreams really first started. From about 13-15, they were vividly disgusting, terrifying, and gruesome. I would generally dream about torturous situations, people being dismembered, chased down to be put into torture chambers, and I would vividly feel and see all that was happening. The dreams were usually very bloody and also, very violent and painful.
From about the age 15- 16, my dreams each night became more focused on demonic things, which in my opinion were much more difficult to bear each night then the violent, torture dreams. This stage didn't really seem to last as long, though, and now I'm 18 and for the past 2 years about, my dreams are very empty and cold. There is absolutely no feeling, no love, it is just cold emptiness with demonic features thrown in. It is absolutely terrible, and I feel like I haven't gotten a genuine peaceful, refreshing night of sleep in years.
Just a little background:
My dad is a pretty serious alcoholic and is severely depressed. My mother has no real sense of what it means to be a mother; she is very cold and reserved about feelings. She's a hoarder and has issues of her own. I won't go into any of that, but I will just paint a quick picture. My dad started taking pretty strong medicine for his depression when my sister started getting into heavy drugs at 13. I'm not entirely sure why, or what really happened, but he seemed to have lost his mind for a few years there and any interaction involved with him was us being verbally assaulted and abused, beaten, and my sister and I would lock ourselves into the bathroom for hours at a time in order to avoid his rampages; he would literally chase us around the house to beat us. (I think this is where my intense fear of being chased at all comes from) but anyway, After these moments of insanity, he would sit in his rocking chair and rock back and forth with a beer in his hand laughing insanely screaming "The Devil is Gone. The Devil is Gone." (this is what he tended to call my sister) he would constantly remind her that she was the devil come to haunt him and other things. Yeah, like I said, something popped in his brain for this period. During these times, my mother would just sit and watch and sometimes, she would just leave me alone with him during these times. This is something that really gets to me, to this day.
My childhood was very loving and happy (from my perspective; there was probably a lot of dysfunction going on behind closed doors.) I think this is what really got to me. The extreme speed at which my life changed from sanity and love to utter chaos, instability and hatred. It's almost as if one night my dad would be tucking us into bed, playing us the beatles in the background to put us to sleep..and then the next...just utter betrayal; beating, being called awful things. I think as a child, I just couldn't wrap my brain around any of this, especially with the way I was pretty much completely abandoned by my mother at this time. Nothing from her except cruel words, also.
Anyway, my sister had to go through a court system and we were ordered to leave the apartment we had been living in and move into the house we're been renting for 4 years now. At first, the insanity carried over. But then, everything was immediately pushed into the closet. My dad changed his depression medicine and slept literally all day; I never saw him. My mother followed in his lead and got another job to stay away from home. Long Story Short, nothing was ever discussed. In fact, I think my dad literally has no recollection of those years at all; My mother would never admit to anything, I'm not sure what she remembers; she is a very prideful woman, so she will never admit any wrongdoing.
As you can see, talking things out was never an option and I feel like I've never had any real closure. The past few years, I've dedicated myself to releasing resentments, insecurities, pretty much everything, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I have a lot of issues that would only make this post longer, so we won't go there. I've made a lot of progress, but looking at my dream state, I feel like, truly, I haven't made any at all.
I'll wrap this up, because it's getting long. Really, I was just wondering if anyone else deals with nightmares to this extreme, and how to cope with them, and if possible, fix this situation. I'm starting college now, and all I really want right now, is to let this burden go, you know? It's really been holding me back. My boyfriend of two years, he never dreams at night, and he sleeps like a baby. It's amazing how people can take the littlest things for granted, isn't it? At this point, I can barely even remember what it feels like to have a deep, restful, peaceful sleep. It truly is one of the most beautiful aspects of life :p a peaceful sleep!
So does anyone have any ideas? Or is this just something I'm going to have to accept in my life and deal with accordingly? Thanks for taking the time to at least look this over; I appreciate it if you did.
