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Deleted member 34561
The kind that lingers on and on way long after the loss or losses that triggered it in the first place. The kind that hangs around like a bad smell and you get no relief from it no matter how many tears you cry or how long you cry. Malignant because because it is toxic and poisonous and sucks the joy out of every part of your life even the parts that should normally make you really happy.
This year I have suffered or should I say come to final terms with 3 major losses. Recently my ex partner who turned out to be my half brother and I never knew it till a month ago. He left me 2 months ago after putting me through sheer f*cking hell for 23 years with his extreme abuse of me and my kids one of whom was the kid I had by him. My kids are both his half nephews by way of the fact we are half siblings. My ex is the product of incest between our mum and her own dad our grandfather. My youngest is also a product of incest between me and their half uncle. It's devastating to realise the truth after all these years of being treated like a bloody mushroom kept in the dark and fed on shit by this so called 'man'.
I feel like the last 23 years have all been one huge LIE. What's so bad about it is both my full brothers the kids our mum had with my dad after she had my half brother and had him farmed out to her dad's brother and dad's father also incested me. So all 3 of my older brothers sexually abused and raped me. 2 in my childhood and adolescence and this 1 when I was an adult. The full brother who abused me in my teens got his mates involved in the abuse as well. My ex/half brother who abused me as an adult also put other blokes up to raping and sexually abusing me though separately never together with him unlike my full brother in my teens. These other blokes in my 30s were mostly cousins and 2nd cousins I didn't know about till recently either.
So much was kept hidden from me by all these evil bastards and behind it all orchestrating it was our mum. She wanted to destroy me and she knew she couldn't do it on her own because she was no match for me even when I was was a child. She wanted me to be complicit in the abuse and as warped and evil as her her dad and all my brothers. She was so jealous of me as a person and so jealous of the good healthy kind and loving relationship I had with my own dad her husband so unlike the sick depraved relationship she had with her own dad if she could have got away with killing me she would have done. But because she couldn't do that she tried the next best thing. To murder my soul and turn me into a paedophile like her her dad my brothers and all those cousins I just mentioned.
When that didn't work she then decided to wipe me out in other ways using other people to do it as well as herself. Between her and my half brother they raped and sexually abused my eldest kid then my half brother did the same thing on his own to my youngest kid the one I had with him. Again this was done to hurt me aside from the fact that they are both dirty nonces who like hurting innocent defenceless kids anyway. I lost both my kids into care because of these bastards hurting them and me not being able to protect them let alone to protect myself from the abuse.
Then both our mother and my half brother denied they were abusers and had me thinking other people not them had molested my kids. I swallowed their lies mainly because between their abuse of me they had managed to brainwash me with a pack of lies.
14 years ago our mum and I became estranged and then it was left to my half brother and cousins to finish the job our mum started when I was just 3 years old. That was the first time she molested me herself you see but I had repressed that memory for 45 years till 6 months ago when I started sobering up and straightening out. Oh yes our mum fed me alcohol and drugs as a very young kid when she abused me herself in the vain hope I would never remember what she had done to me herself. She encouraged me to develop addictions to both substances in my teens then my half brother kept those addictions going right up till 6 months ago when I sought help to break them and get free of him as well. Because by the time 6 months ago came round I had broken out of my denial about my kids being abused by him and our mum because I could no longer deny how badly he was treating ME too. And also by 6 months ago both my now grown up kids were no longer in my life.
Because in my eldest kid's case he is now a paedophile himself and was back in touch with his grandmother and my half brother behind my back for the last 7 years and they turned him against me getting him to blame and hate me for what THEY had done to him as a very small kid and then putting him up to mentally and emotionally and financially abusing me himself through months and a whole year at one point of the silent treatment gaslighting telling me outright lies etc and the final push for him to help them destroy me once and for all was him rejecting me 9 months ago and him blaming me for that as well even though like the rest of it it wasn't my fault at all but HIS choice having been unduly influenced by his grandmother and step dad/half uncle into doing it in a first place.
And in my youngest kids case well they also blame and hate me for what their dad did to them and more importantly believing their dad not them for years and losing my temper with them 4 years ago because I didn't believe them and their dad was winding me up about it and getting me to abuse my youngest kid on his behalf because he couldn't get at them himself without me knowing I was being played conned and used like that until 3 months ago. I have explained to my youngest kid about that and apologised profusely for it all but to no avail. They can't forgive me for how I was before or why. They don't trust me not to hurt them again inadvertently unknowingly or otherwise. So I've lost them permanently as well as my eldest kid because of his betrayal of me.
So there are my 3 major losses people wise but there's all the other stuff I've lost as well. The rest of my birth family dad's side as well as my evil mum's lot countless friends a career and the ability to support myself money wise my health both mental and physical my reputation my looks my teeth lol and f*cking most of my very LIFE. All down to incest and abuse in general.
Thank God I didn't lose my home as well or die or land up in a nuthouse or jail as well. So far anyway. I haven't lost my precious little dog Ruby either nor my future or hopefully my family of choice to come and the friends I've yet to make when I start attending real life support groups soon as part of my recovery from alcoholism cannabis addiction and C-PTSD and hopefully on this website too. I've also recently had to let an old friend go that I met on another online support group 8 years ago because of her unreliability dishonesty selfishness narcissism and exploitation of me when she's in need herself without returning the favour when I'm in need myself. So I guess that's major loss number 4.
It hurts but I don't want anyone abusive in any way in my life anymore. My youngest kid is not abusive in their own right unlike my eldest and my half brother their dad but maybe it's just as well they've rejected me. After all it can't be easy for them knowing they are a result of incest but with the way they reacted on me informing them of it it seemed to not come as a surprise it's like they already knew. And if they did already know who told them? And when? It all points to social services because as I think I mentioned earlier both my kids landed up in care because of all this evil shit. And if social services knew then why the bloody hell didn't they tell ME about it? Instead of leaving me to figure all this out on my own the way they did. They told me to abort my youngest kid you see. They told me at the time 21 years ago now it was because I was in a volatile relationship with their dad and I couldn't cope with the kid I already had at the time my eldest. But what if they knew the truth of how my youngests dad was related to me or how closely related and they just lied to me as why I should get rid of my youngest the kid he got me pregnant with?
It all smacks of a cover up and I think the police also know more than they've let on to me so far too. I already have worked out that all my brothers our mum our cousins my eldest son etc are part of a paedophile ring that goes back decades in our town county surrounding counties and the nearest large city to us so if I know that what do the police and social services know about it all? Are there corrupt coppers social workers teachers doctors shrinks lawyers judges members of Parliament people with money involved in this ring? Either abusing kids themselves or knowing about it and turning a blind eye and not speaking out about it for fear of losing their jobs pensions reputations freedom health sanity homes families or their very LIVES like I have? Just for knowing and telling people about it. Seems to be the case and it seems I've taken the fall for all of them I'm the one that's suffered the most lost the most and never got any help from any of the so called 'professionals' to deal with this horrible stuff and I have to wonder why. But there's only one of me and dozens possibly hundreds of perpetrators and passive by-standers and hundreds maybe thousands of victims. Most of those victims are too messed up to be credible witnesses if this ever got to court. So I wouldn't have anyone in my corner to back me up or corroborate what I'm saying and what I know. It's a fight I just can't win on my own and it would be sheer bloody madness to even try. I could even find myself jailed sectioned in a mental ward evicted from my home or killed for blowing the whistle on this lot.
So yes it's all very depressing and disheartening and disturbing and maddening and angering knowing about this terrible situation but knowing that I can't do a damn thing about any of it not without a getting myself in a lot of trouble and knowing that if the police social services teachers etc won't put a stop to it and save the kids still being hurt now and help all the victims both past present get help and justice then who the bloody hell WILL? I'm so upset about it all. Oh well I've just written a novel there lol but I had to get this malignant sorrow out so it won't destroy me from the inside out. I've realised in the course of writing this I'm not just sad for myself or my own kids but all the kids every single one of us who've had our lives ruined by the evil spectre of incest and paedophilia. It's really too much for one woman to bear alone.
Thanks to whoever edited that post for me. I must try to use paragraphs myself in the future lol :)
This year I have suffered or should I say come to final terms with 3 major losses. Recently my ex partner who turned out to be my half brother and I never knew it till a month ago. He left me 2 months ago after putting me through sheer f*cking hell for 23 years with his extreme abuse of me and my kids one of whom was the kid I had by him. My kids are both his half nephews by way of the fact we are half siblings. My ex is the product of incest between our mum and her own dad our grandfather. My youngest is also a product of incest between me and their half uncle. It's devastating to realise the truth after all these years of being treated like a bloody mushroom kept in the dark and fed on shit by this so called 'man'.
I feel like the last 23 years have all been one huge LIE. What's so bad about it is both my full brothers the kids our mum had with my dad after she had my half brother and had him farmed out to her dad's brother and dad's father also incested me. So all 3 of my older brothers sexually abused and raped me. 2 in my childhood and adolescence and this 1 when I was an adult. The full brother who abused me in my teens got his mates involved in the abuse as well. My ex/half brother who abused me as an adult also put other blokes up to raping and sexually abusing me though separately never together with him unlike my full brother in my teens. These other blokes in my 30s were mostly cousins and 2nd cousins I didn't know about till recently either.
So much was kept hidden from me by all these evil bastards and behind it all orchestrating it was our mum. She wanted to destroy me and she knew she couldn't do it on her own because she was no match for me even when I was was a child. She wanted me to be complicit in the abuse and as warped and evil as her her dad and all my brothers. She was so jealous of me as a person and so jealous of the good healthy kind and loving relationship I had with my own dad her husband so unlike the sick depraved relationship she had with her own dad if she could have got away with killing me she would have done. But because she couldn't do that she tried the next best thing. To murder my soul and turn me into a paedophile like her her dad my brothers and all those cousins I just mentioned.
When that didn't work she then decided to wipe me out in other ways using other people to do it as well as herself. Between her and my half brother they raped and sexually abused my eldest kid then my half brother did the same thing on his own to my youngest kid the one I had with him. Again this was done to hurt me aside from the fact that they are both dirty nonces who like hurting innocent defenceless kids anyway. I lost both my kids into care because of these bastards hurting them and me not being able to protect them let alone to protect myself from the abuse.
Then both our mother and my half brother denied they were abusers and had me thinking other people not them had molested my kids. I swallowed their lies mainly because between their abuse of me they had managed to brainwash me with a pack of lies.
14 years ago our mum and I became estranged and then it was left to my half brother and cousins to finish the job our mum started when I was just 3 years old. That was the first time she molested me herself you see but I had repressed that memory for 45 years till 6 months ago when I started sobering up and straightening out. Oh yes our mum fed me alcohol and drugs as a very young kid when she abused me herself in the vain hope I would never remember what she had done to me herself. She encouraged me to develop addictions to both substances in my teens then my half brother kept those addictions going right up till 6 months ago when I sought help to break them and get free of him as well. Because by the time 6 months ago came round I had broken out of my denial about my kids being abused by him and our mum because I could no longer deny how badly he was treating ME too. And also by 6 months ago both my now grown up kids were no longer in my life.
Because in my eldest kid's case he is now a paedophile himself and was back in touch with his grandmother and my half brother behind my back for the last 7 years and they turned him against me getting him to blame and hate me for what THEY had done to him as a very small kid and then putting him up to mentally and emotionally and financially abusing me himself through months and a whole year at one point of the silent treatment gaslighting telling me outright lies etc and the final push for him to help them destroy me once and for all was him rejecting me 9 months ago and him blaming me for that as well even though like the rest of it it wasn't my fault at all but HIS choice having been unduly influenced by his grandmother and step dad/half uncle into doing it in a first place.
And in my youngest kids case well they also blame and hate me for what their dad did to them and more importantly believing their dad not them for years and losing my temper with them 4 years ago because I didn't believe them and their dad was winding me up about it and getting me to abuse my youngest kid on his behalf because he couldn't get at them himself without me knowing I was being played conned and used like that until 3 months ago. I have explained to my youngest kid about that and apologised profusely for it all but to no avail. They can't forgive me for how I was before or why. They don't trust me not to hurt them again inadvertently unknowingly or otherwise. So I've lost them permanently as well as my eldest kid because of his betrayal of me.
So there are my 3 major losses people wise but there's all the other stuff I've lost as well. The rest of my birth family dad's side as well as my evil mum's lot countless friends a career and the ability to support myself money wise my health both mental and physical my reputation my looks my teeth lol and f*cking most of my very LIFE. All down to incest and abuse in general.
Thank God I didn't lose my home as well or die or land up in a nuthouse or jail as well. So far anyway. I haven't lost my precious little dog Ruby either nor my future or hopefully my family of choice to come and the friends I've yet to make when I start attending real life support groups soon as part of my recovery from alcoholism cannabis addiction and C-PTSD and hopefully on this website too. I've also recently had to let an old friend go that I met on another online support group 8 years ago because of her unreliability dishonesty selfishness narcissism and exploitation of me when she's in need herself without returning the favour when I'm in need myself. So I guess that's major loss number 4.
It hurts but I don't want anyone abusive in any way in my life anymore. My youngest kid is not abusive in their own right unlike my eldest and my half brother their dad but maybe it's just as well they've rejected me. After all it can't be easy for them knowing they are a result of incest but with the way they reacted on me informing them of it it seemed to not come as a surprise it's like they already knew. And if they did already know who told them? And when? It all points to social services because as I think I mentioned earlier both my kids landed up in care because of all this evil shit. And if social services knew then why the bloody hell didn't they tell ME about it? Instead of leaving me to figure all this out on my own the way they did. They told me to abort my youngest kid you see. They told me at the time 21 years ago now it was because I was in a volatile relationship with their dad and I couldn't cope with the kid I already had at the time my eldest. But what if they knew the truth of how my youngests dad was related to me or how closely related and they just lied to me as why I should get rid of my youngest the kid he got me pregnant with?
It all smacks of a cover up and I think the police also know more than they've let on to me so far too. I already have worked out that all my brothers our mum our cousins my eldest son etc are part of a paedophile ring that goes back decades in our town county surrounding counties and the nearest large city to us so if I know that what do the police and social services know about it all? Are there corrupt coppers social workers teachers doctors shrinks lawyers judges members of Parliament people with money involved in this ring? Either abusing kids themselves or knowing about it and turning a blind eye and not speaking out about it for fear of losing their jobs pensions reputations freedom health sanity homes families or their very LIVES like I have? Just for knowing and telling people about it. Seems to be the case and it seems I've taken the fall for all of them I'm the one that's suffered the most lost the most and never got any help from any of the so called 'professionals' to deal with this horrible stuff and I have to wonder why. But there's only one of me and dozens possibly hundreds of perpetrators and passive by-standers and hundreds maybe thousands of victims. Most of those victims are too messed up to be credible witnesses if this ever got to court. So I wouldn't have anyone in my corner to back me up or corroborate what I'm saying and what I know. It's a fight I just can't win on my own and it would be sheer bloody madness to even try. I could even find myself jailed sectioned in a mental ward evicted from my home or killed for blowing the whistle on this lot.
So yes it's all very depressing and disheartening and disturbing and maddening and angering knowing about this terrible situation but knowing that I can't do a damn thing about any of it not without a getting myself in a lot of trouble and knowing that if the police social services teachers etc won't put a stop to it and save the kids still being hurt now and help all the victims both past present get help and justice then who the bloody hell WILL? I'm so upset about it all. Oh well I've just written a novel there lol but I had to get this malignant sorrow out so it won't destroy me from the inside out. I've realised in the course of writing this I'm not just sad for myself or my own kids but all the kids every single one of us who've had our lives ruined by the evil spectre of incest and paedophilia. It's really too much for one woman to bear alone.
Thanks to whoever edited that post for me. I must try to use paragraphs myself in the future lol :)
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