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FindingMyself88 - You've been hammered, that's for sure. No wonder you're feeling so low.
If I could encourage you it would be to go to therapy regardless of how you feel. I too have the kind of depression that has drained my motivation and most of my energy, and am usually just too tired to do even the minimal things, like eating. Going to therapy is wearisome for sure, but we can't find the root cause of the depression, or if it's been discovered, it can't be overcome without good therapy helping us to manage resolution.
Sometimes I can deal with depression not by fighting the feeling, but by displacing it some (fighting the
cause of it maybe) by making myself do some little thing to make me active. Even walking down the street in front of my house affects me in a good way, not always, but sometimes it does. It's not doing much, but that simple act gives me a sense of accomplishment. Minor thing? Sure. But battles are won in the little engagements over time, like the daily things you do to just get by to this point.
On your profile I saw you've been a member for a couple of years now, so you must be a seasoned veteran, having posted nearly 1,000 times. I'm willing to believe a lot of those were to encourage others, a strong thing to accomplish when fighting for your own survival every day. That alone must be so depleting of your energy, but it is also an indication of your heart.
I like Christmas too, but this year I feel really burdened by all the expectations placed on me by simply having family around. I kind of resent it, you know?
But, my family, although supportive of my efforts to 'sort things out,' don't actually understand what it's like to battle depression like this. And that's what makes this forum so good for me.
I hope you're able to find some kind of relief and rest by thinking about the good you've done in your life, and don't focus on the negative thoughts that likely came to mind when you read 'the good you've done.' You put up those decorations. That's a
good thing, the fact you were able to do it, despite of feeling so low. Put the decorations in the 'Good' column on life's balance sheet.
I hope and pray you will continue to resist the effects of depressive thoughts, find a way to have the antidepressant 'script filled, and survive Christmas.
