General Destroyed My Life?

[shellazz]

I have a partner with ptsd which I think is destroying my life, my kids lives and his life. He has blamed me in the past for his ptsd and I know that nastiness is common in ptsd but how do you tell what is him just being nasty and what isn't. He has confused the crap out of me. He tells me he loves me then he tells me that he doesn't want to be here and tries to blame his moods on my children. I have 3 kids only one is his.

This morning he says he wishes that my son to him had never been born then he says he's sorry. As I sit and write this he is packing his bags again and I'm left to deal with the kids, the bills that he has primarily run up. For example he's always on the phone and hardly ever wanted to spend time with me unless he needed or wanted someone around.

I love him so much but I told him if he's not happy that I can cope by myself, but the truth is I don't know if I can. I feel like my life is destroyed and my heart is smashed into a million pieces. I don't know what to do and I just want a little help. When he says he's not happy cos he's gotten fatter I try to pick him up. When he lashes out at me or the kids I try to settle things with him and reason with everyone.
I just want everyone to be happy. I'm so desperate for help.:crazy:

 

[shiraz]

Hi Shelazz,

Welcome to the forum. I have PTSD and I know how difficult it is to live with me, I also know that abusive behavior from PTSD sufferers is not acceptable.

I think the carers in this forum will have more to say in ways of advice and encouragement.

I'm glad that you are getting support for yourself.

:Hug_emoticon:
Shiraz

 

[sunshineball]

I guess my answer is not going to be much of a help, but I just wanted to say that I'm struggling with nastiness too. I've learned recently that as Shiraz says, abusive behaviour is not acceptable - though it's not easy to actually enforce that. I'm trying to figure out how to do it.

As for whether you would be able to cope by yourself - I'm sure you would. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Shoka]

Shellazz,

Don't let the nastiness persist. I have learned the hard way that one needs to really stand up for oneself and not allow a pattern of emotional abuse occur. I remember the first time that Nicolette told me I was being a bit of an enabler, it was hard to process in my brain.

One day I finally had to sit down with myself and start drawing lines in the sand as to what I would tolerate and what I would not tolerate. I started with the easy ones. If he ever physically hurt me, I'd call the police and press charges and end the relationship, no questions asked. We discussed this at a calm time. Later, the more murky emotional abuse stuff had to be addressed, because it was what was actually beginning to happen. I told him that I would not tolerate him picking fights with me anymore because I didn't deserve it. Then I told him one day when he was triggering and telling me that I was the cause of his triggers that I wouldn't be treated that way, and I walked out of the house. I walked for an hour (sobbing for at least half an hour.) But guess what happened... He came out and found me, and apologized to me. Naturally, I don't think this would have played out this way if he didn't have months of therapy under his belt. He has worked hard in therapy and recognizes things that he didn't in the beginning.

It's a process. I did put up with some emotional abuse in the beginning, thinking that I'd be abandoning him if I left him in a terrible triggered state. The result of that for me was unresovled anger in the form of resentment, which in turn surfaced as depression, lack of focus at work, isolation from my friends, and denial that I was the one who put myself there.

Things have improved in this area. My bf and I are under tremendous pressure these days with a personal situation going on in our lives. He no longer lashes out at me. I am always prepared though that if he does, I need to reinforce my feelings and walk out. If he were to get really nasty regularly again, I've decided for myself that I'd be better off leaving the relationship.

That's where I'm at today, and it was a journey to get there. But I have a little one on the way, and it made it clearer to me that I had to get it together.

Shoka