Digging deeper in therapy

[Deleted member 8714]

My T has suggested two things:

First this is my writing assignment: to come up with three questions for my father if he were in the room with us in therapy. I'm stumped. I've absolutely nothing to ask him. I tried asking those questions during the time I saw him as a child. He punished me severely with torture any time I asked him questions. So I zipped my lips after that. I mean what kid in their right mind would question their serial killer father another time if he punished them the first time. None. I wasn't stupid. So now, given the opportunity I don't have a clue what to ask him.

The second is allowing my alters to come out. Wow. I haven't had any alters come out in therapy in over twenty years. The two last Ts I had flat out denied the existence of my alters. I've got some rudimentary names for the five of them who have made themselves known. The names are based on what they are known to do under duress. This ought to be interesting. I'm nervous about the whole thing and at the same time I want this.

I became a virtual recluse after my mother died in 2010 and memories started flooding through nightmares. Allowing the alters out I believe is the avenue through which I'll get my life back and be able to venture out into the world around me once again.

 

[whiteraven]

The second is allowing my alters to come out. Wow. I haven't had any alters come in therapy in over twenty years. The two last Ts I had flat out denied the existence of my alters. I've got some rudimentary names for the five of them who have made themselves known. The names are based on what they are known to do under duress. This ought to be interesting. I'm nervous about the whole thing and at the same time I want this.

That anxiety and desire for this is something I deal with all the time, so I get it. It sounds like it would be - and you think it would be - a really good thing for your healing. Wondering if the anxiety has anything to do with your past two therapists? How do you think this one will react - are you in any way worried? I would be very encouraged that he is suggesting that they come to therapy - must mean he is interested in meeting them.

Are you thinking about how they might be, out and in therapy? One of the hardest things for me when my insiders take control is that I have none. A good therapist will help with that, though, as you know. If you can put your trust in him/her and maybe set your own boundaries ahead of time, maybe that will make it easier.

to come up with three questions for my father if he were in the room with us in therapy. I'm stumped. I've absolutely nothing to ask him. I tried asking those questions during the time I saw him as a child. He punished me severely with torture any time I asked him questions. So I zipped my lips after that. I mean what kid in their right mind would question their serial killer father another time if he punished them the first time. None. I wasn't stupid. So now, given the opportunity I don't have a clue what to ask him.

Yeah, wow. You'll be safe now, though. Do you remember the questions you tried to ask as a kid? Maybe you could start with those. And if writing them down is too hard or doesn't feel safe, maybe you could do it in therapy so you would have some support there with you.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

@whiteraven Thank you for replying to my post.

I asked my father why he killed those boys and why he had to keep doing it.

My next question was asking for his name. He never gave me same answer twice. He was a CIA agent and tried to keep his identity secret even to me.

I used to ask him about the ocean and the creatures in it. All of his answers were about frightening me. The only time he helped me love the ocean and water was when we went to Assateague Island. There he acted different, more relaxed. I'd play in the sand and collect seashells and he stand next to me. Those were magical moments in time compared to the rest of the time with him.

I think my anxiety about the alters coming out goes back to when it occurred the most with my first T who was abusive of her power. She filmed my alters. It felt like a violation. I remember with everything I did with her there was manipulation. "You're not going to heal unless you allow me to see your alters." "You're not going to heal unless you allow me to film your alters." Etc. I can still remember those words in my head. So when my T said "Let's get your alters out who want to hide inside the house because they're afraid of the father," it was my first T wanting to manipulate me into allowing my alters to come out.

 

[whiteraven]

I think my anxiety about the alters coming out goes back to when it occurred the most with my first T who was abusive of her power. She filmed my alters. It felt like a violation. I remember with everything I did with her there was manipulation. "You're not going to heal unless you allow me to see your alters." "You're not going to heal unless you allow me to film your alters." Etc. I can still remember those words in my head. So when my T said "Let's get your alters out who want to hide inside the house because they're afraid of the father," it was my first T wanting to manipulate me into allowing my alters to come out.

I would HATE to have my insiders (or me) filmed. This therapist sounds a lot like the one who diagnosed me/us. He was very into manipulation - he said and did several things, but the one I remember most was the "you will never heal unless you allow me to help you integrate." I was completely against forcing integration; if it happens, it happens. But we didn't want that, and he knew it. That therapist got mad at me and threw something at me. Stopped seeing him right then.

The therapist I had after him was lovely. She didn't force anything, but allowed us to decide. By doing that, we came to trust her a lot quicker. You sound like you're on the edge of wanting to/not wanting to - maybe you can try some other things first if you're too nervous/scared. Have you established your own trust with them? I always engage with my insiders first before they meet anybody new, including therapists. That way, there is a little bit of control, anyway.

 

[Freida]

Wow..how scary for you with those horrible first ts. Talk about missed opportunities. Maybe you could reassure them this t is worth a look? Not all the way out if they aren't comfortable but maybe peeking around the edges?

Questioning for father.....what if you did it like you were someone else writing a story on him? Like an interview? Imagine if I'm the one asking..what would I want to know? That might get you some distance and help with the fear.....

 

[whiteraven]

I asked my father why he killed those boys and why he had to keep doing it.

My next question was asking for his name. He never gave me same answer twice. He was a CIA agent and tried to keep his identity secret even to me.

This exercise is to come up with the questions, right? Not anything more or less? Because it sounds to me like you already have them. You get to control what you do with them in session and when you do it. I think articulating them here is a huge thing!

 

[Deleted member 8714]

You sound like you're on the edge of wanting to/not wanting to - maybe you can try some other things first if you're too nervous/scared. Have you established your own trust with them? I always engage with my insiders first before they meet anybody new, including therapists. That way, there is a little bit of control, anyway.

Thank you for this @whiteraven . I've been engaging my alters for the last week or so. That's been good because I'm discovering I've got a lot more than I once thought. Right now there are no official names rather names which are associated with how they originally emerged and why. Seven alters and counting.

Each morning I lay in bed and wait for them to announce themselves and then I ask when they were created and for what purpose. It seems all of these alters have specific purposes. I've never had alters emerge in this way.

Like an interview?

Oooooooooo...I like that idea. Thank you @Freida ! In my mind I immediately thought of interviewing someone for information to write a story. Such a cool idea. Makes it less serious and more fun. So again, thank you!

 

[whiteraven]

Each morning I lay in bed and wait for them to announce themselves and then I ask when they were created and for what purpose. It seems all of these alters have specific purposes. I've never had alters emerge in this way.

This is awesome and really interesting. I have around 25 and most have still not told me why they are around. I've been able to figure it out for some of them, but I'm just guessing for most of the rest.