Disconnected Memories

[Chava]

Hi again. I'm working with trauma through somatic or body-focused psychotherapy. I've been assured memories might come together later but that my body really holds the important information. It makes sense for me because in typical "talk" therapy I stared at the floor and never knew what to say. I also have a history of horrid relationship to my body, self-destruction, and ignoring all relevant cues. So the somatic focus and honoring what my body has to say feels right at this point in my life.

Anyway, I rarely have a full memory or "story" come together. It's like when my body is remembering something all other parts of my mind and memory dissolve...no images, thoughts, memories in that sense...I just get absorbed into the body feeling and trying to find a resolution. At best something can feel situated in time or pkace a bit....like what I am doing or feeling in my body feels very young...or it feels like I am in the hospital. The only obvious connection to a memory in my head was pushing with my back and feeling my mom was breaking a door against me...something I already remembered but didn't know what it meant to my body. I have images in dreams but they are really screwed up....at best, I'd assume representations of something but not a full connection.

I usually don't even have feelings. It's like my mind and feelings are cut off from the body work. And if I almost feel a memory, it dissolves because I don't have enough information or words...and then I feel spacey and lost in time/space. But I feel like I'm doing a good job following the body work (things like Somatic Experiencing). For others who have some experience in this, have you eventually felt a release of the trauma even without clear memories? Or do memories eventually come? (I was unconscious in my worst situations but I understand my nervous system was in high gear). Also, have you ever felt stuck repeating some behaviors or movements, like assuming you released a certain fight charge only to have it keep coming back? Is it like something that the body requires in a few doses sometimes, especially if the original trauma is really old or ingrained into your being?

I hope this makes a little sense. Thanks for any thoughts if you can relate to this kind of processing of trauma.

 

[franciemarnie]

Sometimes memories haven't come, but the felt sense of what happened is clear and that has been sufficient to release trauma energy for me. I don't know how deep the well is but signs that healing is happening are clear.

For instance, my feet used to always hurt. Sometimes so badly I couldn't sleep or they would wake me up. Doctors found nothing. After a somatic release once, my feet felt like foamy cushions. It was so lovely I can't tell you, and they have not hurt since.

I know most of my trauma is buried in my chest deep - below heart level in the center. When that is activated, I get very cold and it is scary. I don't know how long it will take to clear up and release completely, but I have faith from my experiences so far.

Keep going. You are doing great!

 

[Hashi]

I've had craniosacral therapy, which is related to somatic experiencing. With craniosacral therapy there is no need to think about any particular trauma experience - the body communicates directly with the therapist, without any cognitive process. So the idea of releasing trauma energy without necessarily knowing what it relates to is something I don't question, I've experienced so much of this.

Some memories come, some come partially, some not at all - I've found that the body can still release trauma in any case.

Would you be willing to say how you experience a release of trauma energy? For me, it has always been very clear - going cold, shaking, and sometimes involuntary movements.

Also, have you ever felt stuck repeating some behaviors or movements, like assuming you released a certain fight charge only to have it keep coming back?

Could you explain a little more what you mean? In particular I'm not sure what you mean by fight charge, but also it would be helpful - if it's OK with you - to maybe give an example of feeling stuck with a behaviour or movement.

 

[Chava]

Seems like it's usually shaking, and even jerking like I've been stabbed in the guts (though I've recently noticed the jerking part might also be connected to a stress-related arrhythmia, so I don't even know if it's good or bad....but I work on settling through breathing differently). There is also the spontaneous flood of tears which pulls me right out of void or freeze. I feel like these keep repeating. Some change or disappear, then something like arm shaking comes back (usually related to body feeling stuck between wanting to push away and fear of pushing away). Lots of energy stuck in my leg, too screwed up to deal with much right now. Well, that's the best I can describe for now. Thanks for sharing, franciemarnie and Hashi...helpful to remember healing can happen without always being able to make perfect sense of it (I'm like a meaning-making junky sometimes and I have to trust that I can heal even when I don't understand the present or the process very well....maybe that all comes later or becomes less important..??)

 

[purgemeofthepain]

Chava, your post hit a nerve with me cause I had a very traumatic experience while I was unconscious (passed out drunk) and I can't put the whole ordeal together in my head or make sense of it either. It's just a bunch of loose images, feelings and memories engrained into my body and mind.

I seem to be "drawn" towards certain movements, motions and behaviors too, which I have come to see are just "signs" that my body is trying to get me and my mind to finally acknowledge the traumatic event and LET it come up into my consciousness, so that I can process it, FEEL it (since I didn't feel it properly when it happened, as I dissociated and was drunk) and let the healing process begin.

From what I've read, the body doesn't like to leave things "incomplete". If you were dissociating or unconscious during your traumas, the memories, pain, feelings etc of the event, get "stored" in your body's "brain" or your bodymind, like some ppl call it, so you can live them fully and process them properly, only THEN to begin the healing process, which involves shaking off the tension. So yeah, do not fight your shaking people! :-) (not saying you're fighting it Chava, of course).

It can be very scary, stressful and shameful for someone to be compelled subconsciously to make motions that literally SCREAM out the secret you've worked so hard to keep. In my case, the event was rape and I seem to be "stuck" in those motions and the ever present questions of what REALLY went on. I know beyond the shadow of doubt many of the things he did to me, but there are also many "false" memories that I seem to conjure up and get caught up in.

I also was surprised to see that I'm not alone in having given myself the diagnosis of stress-related arrythmia. Lately the anxiety and fear of having my body more alive and hence my memories and feelings of trauma closer to the surface, have got my heart going crazy and that in turn makes me even more scared and stressed, which makes my heart feel worse even, and so on. Neverending cycle.

All I can say is that you seem to be on the right path my friend. You are doing a GREAT thing in acknowledging that your body is the key to healing and the fact that you're trying to honor what your body feels and is trying to tell you, is a MAJOR step in the right direction. It will take time, but I think we can all be fine if we are brave enough to look at our demons in the eye and then tell them to get the f"#%k off our shoulder!

 

[Hashi]

stress-related arrhythmia

having given myself the diagnosis of stress-related arrythmia

I had to look up exactly what this is. You both mentioning it interested me, because I've experienced a lot of stuff with my heart like racing heart beat or pounding (like when I was given CPR) and I've always perceived it as somatic processing. Either a body memory repeating as a way of working itself out, or as a sort of resolution process.

So I was interested in the list of what can cause arrhythmia to see one of them was:

• The healing process after heart surgery

I really liked this because I've experienced it as the healing process after a different sort of trauma to the heart and whole system.

If you've actually been diagnosed with arrhythmia and the diagnosis seems right, then that's different of course. And it might be completely stress-related. In my case, I realised it was often a healing reaction even though it didn't feel like how I'd imagine one. I used to wonder if I should be calling an ambulance. It took a bit of time to distinguish between somatic processing and actually thinking I was having a heart attack or had a heart disorder in the present. One thing I noticed was that when my heartbeat changes due to stress or anxiety (which I also get) I get hotter or clammy-skinned. When my heartbeat changes due to some sort of processing, I don't.

It can be very scary, stressful and shameful for someone to be compelled subconsciously to make motions that literally SCREAM out the secret you've worked so hard to keep

Very much so. Especially if you've been keeping them from yourself. It was hard to maintain my denial about having experienced certain types of trauma when my body so insistently - and weirdly - kept re-enacting the movements of it's own accord.

do not fight your shaking people!

Completely agree. Shaking is like a super-highway to releasing trauma energy and losing much of our PTSD symptoms like hypervigilance and fear. I think it would have taken me years of talk therapy to even try to achieve what shaking did in a few months.

 

[Chava]

Thank you purgemeofthepain (I don't know how to tag here...might be because of the tablet I'm using). The stuff I might not ever remember in a narrative or picture way is a challenge to my logical need to understand everything in all directions (just have little snippets before when conscious...medical + assault...so lots of body stuff that is sometimes hard to allow because my neat, logical, judging mind gets in the way or I shut down or jst check out).

My arrhythmia was diagnosed via ecg, but cause assumed to be stress (I was loaded with it at the time I went in)...the arrhythmia itself is supposedly benign, like not leading to heart failure, but makes me loopy and sleepy if very bad because blood is just pumping so awkwardly. I need to limit stimulants and manage acute emotinal/psychological stress better. Most days are pretty good. But when they're bad, they're a bit dangerously bad!

p.s. along with shaking and crying I've felt inner vibrations, like a small inner earthquake or a really low pitch...that seems like a more subtle release, and less stressful as it's happening...but maybe that kind of release comes in many more bite-size pieces. ??