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Relationship Dishonesty

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A little background. My partner is a combat vet with PTSD. He has been honest with me about it. I have learned how to roll with it. My dad was also a combat vet so I am/was not unfamiliar with what that means.
My partner and I started out as friends but it slowly developed into more. Which is great but for one problem. He lies to often about the dumbest things. Not about his service or anything like that but its the small stuff. And it leaves me feeling confused, unsettled and hurt. I can’t talk to him about because any time I have tried to express how I am feeling he blows up, says I am being stupid/weird, or my favorite “don’t ask me questions I have already answered” which he never answered in the first place. He likes to say I am being nosey which I am not but he leaves things out in plain sight and I have working eyeballs so if I see whatever it is that he doesn’t want me to see how do I avoid seeing it. He just get mad and doesn’t listen when I explain that I have either no idea what he is talking about because whatever that thing is not something I even thought twice about or that it was a completely innocent question of “hey what is that?” All of this over things that I have no negative feelings over. The mad and hurt come later after he has started lying.

I just don’t know how to handle this or what to do.
 
Is he blatantly lying or omitting something because they are two very different things?

Example: “You said you would cut the grass today why didn’t you?”

Answer: “I got busy”

But I did wash the car and rake the yard was left out of his answer.

Just because he didn’t share every single detail doesn’t constitute a lie. In that situation it’s a communication issue between both of you.

Look up the stress cup on here it may help. It could be his cup is fairly full and he is saying what you want to hear to avoid an argument. Again a communication issue between the two of you.

Now if it is blatantly lying that’s a whole different story.
 
No it blatant lying.
Example: Why is the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room?
Answer: Its not.

I can see it. And he’s serious. No joking and if I ask again he gets mad. “Why do you keep asking me the same question?” Is what he says to me.

I understand that is a silly example. But some of these things are really that small. There have been a few larger ones but for the most part its the small stuff.
 
The lying bit I’m not really sure I can address. For sure, I will avoid answering or dealing with a load of stuff, for a whole bunch of reasons that don’t necessarily make sense, even to me; but that’s not outright lying.

In that scenario does he actually see the vacuum? Wondering if he put it there, did something (the vacuuming?) and then for whatever reason he has forgotten it. Dissociative episode or memory gap? I don’t know and I don’t want you to think I’m excusing it. Could you ask him in a quieter moment when he is calm rather than when it’s happening?

For me, the bigger stuff is actually easier to deal with. I find the small things cause the most stress on a daily basis and fill up the stress cup so quickly.

if I ask again he gets mad. “Why do you keep asking me the same question?” Is what he says to me.

This bit I totally relate to. I get really anxious (and that comes out as pure rage), if people keep asking me the same thing. Makes me feel like my first answer wasn’t right or wasn’t good enough, and then I spiral into a complete panic.

I feel myself doing it but it’s like watching myself go crazy and being unable to stop it happening - like starting the washing machine and realising something is wrong but the programme has already started and you can’t stop the water running in and now open the door again until it’s finished.

I hope you can find a way to deal with it all.
 
Honestly if you came at me wanting to argue with something like that I would have a smartass comment too. Could be an age thing too. I’m too old and life is too short to deal with something that menial. I realize it’s not menial to you at that time.

Best advice I can give you is choose your battles. Not saying walk on eggshells either. I try to ask myself if what is bothering me right now will continue to have the same effect a year from now then it’s worth arguing over. If not then I try to let it go.
 
Thank you guys! I will try to be more patient about the small things. It just gets overwhelming when its big things and small things at the same time. And yes he is a smart ass and it is sometimes hard to know when that is it. Most of the time though I can tell by the look on his face.
Thank you! I really appreciate your advice and having a place to come and ask questions.
 
Thank you guys! I will try to be more patient about the small things. It just gets overwhelming when its big things and small things at the same time. And yes he is a smart ass and it is sometimes hard to know when that is it. Most of the time though I can tell by the look on his face.
Thank you! I really appreciate your advice and having a place to come and ask questions.
Maybe his cup is simply full and struggles to deal with anything more
 
No it blatant lying.
Example: Why is the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room?
Answer: Its not.

When you say he's serious do you mean he isnt saying it in a joking manner or are you saying he believes himself when he says its not there.

My boyfriend has a terrible memory and will "blatantly lie" when really he 100% believes what he is saying is true....he's just wrong. This is usually about small things too. Like most recently he said he played a specific album for my son while he was in utero. He absolutely didn't. I bet he thought about doing it....but he never did. Its not worth correcting though. I've learned that over the years. Let go of the stupid ones and only bring it up when it matters.

And it leaves me feeling confused, unsettled and hurt. I can’t talk to him about because any time I have tried to express how I am feeling he blows up, says I am being stupid/weird

This wouldn't be ok with me. With PTSD you do have to put discussions on hold sometimes until they are in a mental space to deal. But if you can NEVER express yourself and be frank without fearing him and not eventually getting to a productive discussion.....that won't be sustainable long term and you'll be walking on eggshells which is no way to live. Feeling unsettled and hurt without finding resolution later is not ok.


I just don’t know how to handle this or what to do.
I recommend figuring out what you want in a relationship and mapping out how you can get those things.
 
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