Oceanheart
New Here
Hey, I'm new here and I need some answers, or at least advice. I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask, but oh well, I need some help. I need to know if I possibly even have PTSD.
I know I've been through trauma. I was physically abused by my father when I was a kid, but it was minor. Nonetheless, I was still traumatized. I had quite a few occasions of being verbally abused by my mother, and emotional neglect, I think. I've confronted my mother about my feelings many times in the past, but she always denied her faults or would still blame me and say I'm wrong. I was raised being told that I was wrong, so all my life I still think I'm always wrong. I always think my feelings are "wrong". I'm not even sure if I have PTSD, because I'm scared if I'll be wrong again. Emotional neglection, I was never comforted if I cried. No one ever considered my feelings if I cried. No hugs, no apologies, nothing. I remember one time my mom emotionally hurt me and I was crying on the floor and all she said was "You going to sleep there tonight?". I always felt ignored, and always felt that my older sister is the favorite. My parents always got concerned about her feelings, like if she was really depressed, my parents would let her stay home from school, but if I was really depressed, they always made me go to school.
I have a learning disability, and my mom never understood it. She always treated my problems like they were garbage, and I used to get in a lot of trouble, because I wasn't understanding what I was learning. Mom used to call me names a few times, like pig and bitch. Heck, I was even really scared of her. Actually, I used to be terrified of both of my parents. On occasion I would still get flashbacks of my physical abuse, but I forgave my father. It took a lot of years to do so. My mother, things still aren't going well. I always avoid her, to avoid certain traumatic situations, to not get any flashbacks. On occasion, I get nightmares on how badly my parents treat me. I have no physical integrity. I always blame myself, and I just can't accept the good I do to myself and other people. And as I briefly mentioned before, I experienced strong reactions, like helplessness, horror, etc, by saying I used to be terrified of my parents. One time my dad randomly got so angry at me that he started to physically abuse me (after years of stopping), that my sister had to take me to my room and lock the door and scream at Dad to leave me alone while he was pounding so hard on the door. That there I experienced such helplessness, horror, whatever you can think of.
Because of how I was treated, I do have bad depression, I have trouble sleeping on occasion, I sometimes get nightmares and flashbacks, I feel a bit OCD about things, I get easily angry at my family, sometimes I get easily startled at the slightest sounds the house makes, so on. Mistreatment and neglection, I am suicidal and I have done self-harm in the past, because I feel like I have no one to go to, since I know I had no one to go to in the past about when I tried to tell my (physical/verbal) abusive incidents. I can't feel most of my emotions. I always get unnecessary guilt. If Dad and I go do something together, I always feel guilty, thinking what if he is bored or something. I never felt true happiness, or real love. I'm pretty antisocial and shy (and maybe just agoraphobic). Even if I talk to my closest friends, I always feel anxiety when I talk, like what if I'm going to say something wrong.
All in all, I feel like a huge mess right now. I get those times that I feel like my PTSD is going away, but then it just gives me a good slap in the face and I just start to feel really scared, anxious, and get flashbacks. I'm taking pills for my depression, so I can't say that I get all the symptoms if my PTSD kicks in, but nonetheless, I still feel that PTSD is still creeping up on me. I'm not even sure if PTSD can cause anxiety, because if so, I have had an episode of anxiety eariler, getting the feeling that I'm being followed, but like I said, I'm not sure if PTSD can cause it, but then again, I have read that if one has PTSD, then they have a bunch of illnesses in one.
Sorry for the long rant, I had to get it out. And I'm very sorry if it doesn't make any sense. My mind is completely screwed up right now :(
I know I've been through trauma. I was physically abused by my father when I was a kid, but it was minor. Nonetheless, I was still traumatized. I had quite a few occasions of being verbally abused by my mother, and emotional neglect, I think. I've confronted my mother about my feelings many times in the past, but she always denied her faults or would still blame me and say I'm wrong. I was raised being told that I was wrong, so all my life I still think I'm always wrong. I always think my feelings are "wrong". I'm not even sure if I have PTSD, because I'm scared if I'll be wrong again. Emotional neglection, I was never comforted if I cried. No one ever considered my feelings if I cried. No hugs, no apologies, nothing. I remember one time my mom emotionally hurt me and I was crying on the floor and all she said was "You going to sleep there tonight?". I always felt ignored, and always felt that my older sister is the favorite. My parents always got concerned about her feelings, like if she was really depressed, my parents would let her stay home from school, but if I was really depressed, they always made me go to school.
I have a learning disability, and my mom never understood it. She always treated my problems like they were garbage, and I used to get in a lot of trouble, because I wasn't understanding what I was learning. Mom used to call me names a few times, like pig and bitch. Heck, I was even really scared of her. Actually, I used to be terrified of both of my parents. On occasion I would still get flashbacks of my physical abuse, but I forgave my father. It took a lot of years to do so. My mother, things still aren't going well. I always avoid her, to avoid certain traumatic situations, to not get any flashbacks. On occasion, I get nightmares on how badly my parents treat me. I have no physical integrity. I always blame myself, and I just can't accept the good I do to myself and other people. And as I briefly mentioned before, I experienced strong reactions, like helplessness, horror, etc, by saying I used to be terrified of my parents. One time my dad randomly got so angry at me that he started to physically abuse me (after years of stopping), that my sister had to take me to my room and lock the door and scream at Dad to leave me alone while he was pounding so hard on the door. That there I experienced such helplessness, horror, whatever you can think of.
Because of how I was treated, I do have bad depression, I have trouble sleeping on occasion, I sometimes get nightmares and flashbacks, I feel a bit OCD about things, I get easily angry at my family, sometimes I get easily startled at the slightest sounds the house makes, so on. Mistreatment and neglection, I am suicidal and I have done self-harm in the past, because I feel like I have no one to go to, since I know I had no one to go to in the past about when I tried to tell my (physical/verbal) abusive incidents. I can't feel most of my emotions. I always get unnecessary guilt. If Dad and I go do something together, I always feel guilty, thinking what if he is bored or something. I never felt true happiness, or real love. I'm pretty antisocial and shy (and maybe just agoraphobic). Even if I talk to my closest friends, I always feel anxiety when I talk, like what if I'm going to say something wrong.
All in all, I feel like a huge mess right now. I get those times that I feel like my PTSD is going away, but then it just gives me a good slap in the face and I just start to feel really scared, anxious, and get flashbacks. I'm taking pills for my depression, so I can't say that I get all the symptoms if my PTSD kicks in, but nonetheless, I still feel that PTSD is still creeping up on me. I'm not even sure if PTSD can cause anxiety, because if so, I have had an episode of anxiety eariler, getting the feeling that I'm being followed, but like I said, I'm not sure if PTSD can cause it, but then again, I have read that if one has PTSD, then they have a bunch of illnesses in one.
Sorry for the long rant, I had to get it out. And I'm very sorry if it doesn't make any sense. My mind is completely screwed up right now :(
