General Does Ptsd Define A Person?

[Breeze]

I do apologise in advance if I don't put things in the right way. I have only posted once before and got a warning about grammar I think and I am in a pretty bad state due to walking on eggshells for a couple of years which has left me having to visit my own doctor this week having broken out in hives due to stress. I 'had' a friendship with a person with PTSD or possibly even more than that, BPD may or may not have been involved also, and due to my own anxiety going through the roof i've been adviced by my doctor to talk to someone at my health practice which I have now booked an appointment to do. I just hope they know about PTSD as some don't know much, sadly.

I had a friend who told me of the traumas he had been through in life and they were multiple and from different things, military and other trauma from earlier in life. I feel very ashamed of myself for not coping or reacting in the way that I felt I should have. However, I have taken comfort from posts I have read on here where people have done everything asked of them and yet they have still ended up in the same place as myself, that being, totally blocked out.

I even rang Combat Stress at one point and they picked up in a few minutes I put others before myself and said to me, "What about yourself? You have to look after yourself and have rights too, you must take care of yourself as well" This I struggle with and need to look at these issues but feel so guilty if I feel I have failed someone who is suffering.

I am still trying to connect with the friend I am sure I have lost for good now despite having had to be honest with myself and know that my own anxiety is triggered very badly by all that has happened. I'm probably doing wrong In trying as I know they only come back If they wish too. I was often told it wasn't me by my friend, he was the same with all family and friends at the moment he said. He has chronic PTSD and is in his 60s now, but was married for 30 years but as I didn't know his wife, other than knowing she did have the silent treatment, I don't know of her experience.

For me, I got so many conflicting things said. I was told he was deteriorating mentally while at the same time going on holiday and applying for a new job. I often would send a text and get a reply that had nothing to do with me, it was sometimes to do with other problems in his life, like work issues, so I had to work out what he was talking about and try to sort that out before I could get a response to what I had asked. He would say I was a special friend, then want to go back to what we had when we were aquaintances. I can see things i'd done wrong very clearly, but strangely, although he stopped answering me, he would answer via a mutual friend who didn't want to get involved but wanted to help and the reply I got back via him was that my friend wanted to be left be. I didn't know if he meant by me or everyone - I couldn't get that out of him.

My head is a scrambled mess really and clearly I have to admit to myself I am not strong enough to cope with this. Even though it was said it wasn't just me, I can't help feeling it was and despite asking, I have had no reply. I tried to help as much as I could with various things which he said he felt might help him, but he could change his mind two days after any strategies had been put in place so it was all quite a mess really. I think if I hadn't tried help and just gone with the flow things may have been far better to be honest.

I often used to say to my friend that PTSD didn't define him. However, I have seen this question asked often on here, that being, is it the PTSD or is it the person who chooses to act as they do in some situations? I'm no longer sure on this. Does PTSD affect who a person is in all that they do? I've had perfectly normal conversations with the friend I had (I keep saying that as i feel I won't hear from him ever again), or is it just when in a bad state they become someone else? This is something i have struggled to try and understand all through this. When is it their own choice to break away and block someone out totally and when is it the PTSD?

He kept saying the silences were something he had to and were not anything to do with me or anyone else. I also had the pushing away very often. I just didn't know if it was what he wanted or the PTSD as I have read on here often of the same problems.

I do apologise for such a long post.

 

[rightkindofme]

Trying to win someone back rarely works. You would be better off looking for different friends rather than chasing a person with PTSD.

I don't think that PTSD defines those of us who have it. We all have it slightly differently and to different degrees. It is part of the picture. If someone was basically a relaxed person and they end up with PTSD there will be a different progression of events than if someone was already wired for sound.

We are as individual as sand. The only serious advice I give is: give someone with PTSD the space they need. You won't like the loss of control that could come from pressing them too hard.

 

[Justmehere]

I can tell how much you care about your friend and wanted to help him. I think you are right that PTSD does not fully define who we are.

He does have PTSD. Pushing to have contact with someone who has PTSD will only trigger them and make their PTSD worse.

People without PTSD sometimes will ask for space from someone too.

With or without PTSD, it is always our choice to ask for space.

Have you thought about therapy for yourself? I generally recommend all supporters reach out to a therapist because it is a very tough road.

For now, I highly recommend investing in other friendships and letting this one go. Regardless of why he has asked for more space, pushing to have any more contact with him is not going to win him back or lead to anything good.

 

[Breeze]

Thank you both for your informative replies and I have taken on what you have said. Strangely, he would very rarely ask for space and I think this must have been because that was what he had been used to. I remember saying one time to him if he wanted his down time, as I called it, would he tell me then he would get his needs met and i'd know what was going on. He said he thought that was a good idea, but only a couple of days later he said, I'd know when he wanted silence as he would just do it! I think he had probably been used to acting that way through the years so it was strange for him to be asked to tell me. He would sometimes ask and when he did that worked better i found but i don't think he was at all comfortable asking to be left alone. I think a lot of supporters struggle with the silent times quite badly and it can cause anxiety which then leads to the worst thing which is trying to contact the sufferer which has been said, just makes things worse. I will admit I am guilty of doing that.

I lost my temper with him at one point because i was hurt by something he said (he would say strangely hurtful things, i'm not sure if he knew what he was saying at times) and I've beaten myself up badly for that but have been told that i am a human being and we all lose our temper, but I feel very bad about It.

Yes i am going to see someone myself to talk to. I just think I could have dealt with this so much better but maybe at some point I would have still ended up not dealing with things or coping very well.

I've seen it said to deal with someone who has a bad problem with PTSD and possibly other issues or not, you have to have the skin of a Rhino and the patience of a saint. I'm also someone who uses logic a lot and i know that logic with this disorder is of no use at all.

I just wish I didn't feel such a failure for not doing all the right things, but even then i know it may not have worked out as he always had to be in control and it did leave me feeling uncomfortable.

Thank you so much for kindly replying, I'm most grateful.

 

[mamachick]

Ditto of what justmehere said. Im glad you are going to see someone for yourself.

I dont think "all the right things " exist.

I think ptsd can be ALL defining for some. I think it depends on the situation and ones personality and temperment. Just as some people are completely consumed and conscious of a physical disability, I think some with ptsd define themselves by this. We are what we believe we are. If that is all you can see in yourself and it is all consuming, it can define you.

 

[Meadowsweet]

We all have very different personalities, and have been effected by different types of trauma, so are all effected by PTSD differently. Although the symptoms are of the same ilk, the way that a person reacts to symptoms can be very different.

It is offensive to be defined as PTSD, so it is welcome that you are questioning this.

But with regard to those differences, each person with PTSD is responsible for themselves - this means that you are not responsible for helping your friend. Equally, people without PTSD are responsible for themselves, so if you feel that you behaved in a way that you didn't want to be like, then that is simply your cue to work on exploring and changing those reactions.

To a greater or lesser extent, all people have issues that they react to, and have something that they can work on to be the best that they can be. There is nothing to feel ashamed about in that, if anything, being aware of shortcomings and working towards altering those, is something to respect yourself for.

Take care of yourself, because that's what the world really needs really.

 

[Hashi]

you are not responsible for helping your friend. Equally, people without PTSD are responsible for themselves, so if you feel that you behaved in a way that you didn't want to be like, then that is simply your cue to work on exploring and changing those reactions.

I think this is really well put. With or without PTSD, the only person we can change is ourselves.

For all of us, our first journey is to understand and work on ourselves. What we can give to others, and how much we choose to give to others, has to be based on that.

I think Combat Stress were probably quick to say that to you because it's not unusual for someone supporting a person with PTSD to be focussing more on that person than on themselves. This can be a breakthrough moment. I hope it can be that for you too. Finding out more about yourself will help you to be able to give to others, Like the analogy with putting on your own oxygen mask first (in a plane emergency), what comes first and foremost is taking care of yourself because without that you can't really help someone else anyway.

 

[Breeze]

I agree with some of the things that have been said very much. It was quite odd as when I only knew this friend as an acquaintance I was aware of him going silent but had no idea why he did it, but not having that much contact i didn't pay too much attention to it. Since we became closer friends I have studied PTSD since the beginning of the year and wasn't sure if he ever had. He'd been in and out of therapy many times but hadn't really told them the whole story, whether that would have helped him more or not I don't know.

I think the comment made about us all taking responsibility for ourselves is totally correct and I did say this to him at one point as he would say to me, I am what i am take me or leave me. He'd say his friends accepted him for what he was but i was never really sure if they really knew all of what he was like as I saw him. He worked and there are lots of pictures of him around with people and smiling faces but I know people can hide behind a mask so i'm not really sure how much they saw and I know he told me things that nobody else knew.

What puzzles me still is that at the start, apart from the silence he was like a different person and would talk of how important compromise is, but there was no compromise. I had to go his way and do what he wanted all the time, but i've seen it said that it often is about the supporter doing all the giving but it does feel very lonely, empty and I did feel unhappy but just kept trying, I felt sorry for the things that had happened to him. It's very hard sort of, having to put aside normal communication and feelings i found. I guess some can do it and some can't. He just changed drastically as time went on. Why he felt he was getting worse I don't know and as he always complained of one illness after another (which i believe is common too) he may not have been getting worse, I just really am so lost I don't know.

Just to say to those who i've often seen on here say they have been hurt when someone they know who has PTSD won't speak to them but they have seen them on social networks. I did ask my friend about this and he said to me he felt that he ignored me because it was more personal and if on social networks it wasn't, it was just a laugh and superficial, so it was easier to do that. Maybe that might help those who stuggle with that one.

There is so much going around in my head and regardless, i do miss him and feel very sad. He once said he knew I had problems but he didn't know why he didn't feel anything and probably a doctor would. I'm surprised with him having been in therapy through the years he hadn't been told about being numb and how that is associated with this problem.

I will work on myself with help as I know I need to. My head is just spinning with partly blaming myself, feeling hurt and all that has gone on. It's unusual to be told from someone you have become close friends with that they have decided they want to go back to being an acquaintance and i think if I'd said, don't be silly we'll be ok, instead of me going into a rage, we would have carried on as he'd ended it goodness knows how many times then gone back to normal.

I'm sorry for rambling he was just such a nice person who just had this awful problem that seemed to cause so much difficulty but I would have always had to cope with it because I was closer to him. I think he knew the kind of people he needed around him and I just think he felt maybe I wasn't one of them because I struggled to just go along with everything he wanted his way all the time. I understand why there is a need for control totally, it was just so hard to cope with and if I had said yes let's go back to just being acquaintances we would have been ok, until the next problem i suppose, it just seemed bizarre after how close we had become.

Thank you again for listening and your help, it means a great deal at an awful time. I know from this forum i'm not alone in the confusion of all this which does help, but doesn't stop me feeling guilty for not coping as I should have.

 

[Friday]

PTSD is like being blind, or dyslexic, or diabetic.

It doesn't define who we are, we're all different, but it does lay certain strictures on our lives. Like needing a cane, or slotting 4 hours to do a "30 minute" homework assignment, or needing to closely monitor our blood sugar or diet.

We can't just get in a car & drive if we're blind, or sign up for a double course load of reading heavy classes in university if we're dyslexic, or simply stop taking our insuline because we've spoken sternly to our pancreas...

It's a medical / neurological condition that isn't very well understood by the public in general... So just as a blind person may need someone else to read them the menu (Can you read this to me, I'm blind), PTSD people often have to explain what is needed and then explain why.

It's not about being defined by PTSD.

It's about living with it, and working around it.

 

[Breeze]

Thank you for your reply. I'm afraid I've been warned about my grammar again and also how the traumatic brain can't cope with too much text. I am aware of this. I'm just no good all round. I'm devastated that i couldn't deal with my friend properly and I can't cope with how to type posts with all this on my mind. I'm very sorry for troubling people and for just being a total waste of space who is of no use and I so wanted to be. Many apologies for any trouble caused in my posts and that they weren't typed in the correct way. I just can't handle things properly. I am sorry. Thank you for your replies.

 

[rightkindofme]

Your typing skills are not a measure of your worth. I'm sorry that your best efforts are not being welcomed.

Despite being a professional writer who produces many thousands of words a day I don't write much here. I don't like being slapped down for mistakes. Not warm and fuzzy for me. I stick around because the community is worth it.

But I don't really write long posts. That's how I can be involved. I hope you find a way to stay that works for you.

 

[Breeze]

Thank you for your very kind words, rightkindofme, much appreciated. It was regarding another thread where I said far less, but I think when someone is worried about another or in a bad place themselves, it is hard to put paragraphs or punctuation in the front of our minds. Rules are rules though but thank you very much again as the advice and information from the community here is indeed of great help.