Everything Has Changed Once Again!!

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Some of you know me slightly, Some know nothing of me.

I haven't posted in a long time.
I was diagnosed with ptsd before my brother died, After I was sexually assaulted. Everything changed when I came home after the assault, things such as points of views, all the way to each relationship I had. There was nothing the trauma didn't touch. Since my brother has died, once again everything feels like it is changing. It feels so uncontrollable and unbearable. Even the relationship with my therapist has changed. We had worked so hard, and now I can barely tell him the truth about how I feel. Its not that I don't try either, I just end up dissociating. I don't feel angry, except for when I feel confused as to why this is happening, why I can't control it!! I just want the world to stop spinning so I can catch my breath sort of thing. I don't want everything to change... not again. I feel like a child saying that, but a part of me feels far to fragile right now. Its like, can't I just have one thing that doesn't change? That I can hold on to, to keep me grounded!? I feel less attached to this world than ever before.

I am sorry for my absences, I have been doing a lot of reading of posts. I hope you all are doing ok, I am just trying to get my bearings and reaching out online is hard to do. Although I should because I think I need the feedback from real people.

Best wishes to you all, thank you for allowing me space to share!
-Dragonfly

 

[Sandstone]

reaching out online is hard to do. Although I should because I think I need the feedback from real people.

How true! Both it is hard and that is necessary.

 

[Friday]

One thing I've found helpful is to write down an itemized list of everything that has changed, both for good or ill, and then break down the list of things-I-don't-like into sections of how much I have the power to alter that / how easy it will be to start affecting different change. Then start working on the aspects I want to.

What's been changing that I don't like
Relationships
- Therapist : Lie to / hide truth from / disassociate when attempting truth
- Other person :
- Other person :

Daily Activities :
- What : what's changed

Emotional :
- internal fragility : what can I do to feel stronger?
- anger : don't feel it except when confused
- Grounding : and the lack thereof

Et Cetera

One cool trick is that anywhere there might be an ally? Like in your relationship with your therapist? Hit them up. Bring them the whole durn list. In other areas, where I have zero to only half control (aka other people who are directly involved) I often save those for later and work on my own stuff, first... As they may be an ally, or they may be going through their own stuff.