WillowMarie
Silver Member
I recently have a had a family session with my mum as part of treatment while I was at a residential treatment program. I did feel a bit empowered and proud of myself afterward because I told her about how my fathers anger had affected me and some of my memories. I definitely didn't think I was going to survive the family session, but I did! :)
I was a bit detached/dissociated during the session, but did feel quite a bit of emotion, especially since I was trembling for most of the time. I told my mum some boundaries that I wanted because she tends to be overprotective ever since high school when she found out I was self-injuring. She mentioned that she feels like I want to just deal with everything on my own and I don't want her to help me. I responded that is because I don't remember her ever being there for me before. (I didn't mention that I do not have any memories of her before I was in middle school... but I know that if she was supportive and was able to help me/be there for me, I wouldn't be like I am now/would remember it.) I told her about the memory I have of when my dad smacked my younger brother across the face when we were in a hotel room (I was middle school age) and that I yelled out, "Don't ever touch him like that again!" (I didn't mention the part about my older brother looking at me after I yelled, shaking his head no and mouthing the words no to me.) I told mum I remembered that her and my older brother was also there and said nothing. She just ushered us out to the pool and ignored it. My mum responded that she didn't remember that and said, "If your dad ever hit you guys, it wasn't that often." Now when I heard that, I thought 1) I think she just admitted that dad did hit us sometimes, but didn't want to admit to it and 2) if she didn't remember this, could it be that she didn't remember other times as well?
There were other responses that made me mad. I told her that I remember him yelling a lot and remember feeling very scared most of the time. She responded that, "He didn't yell that often, but he would let it bottle up and then let it out." I remember thinking afterwards, it doesn't make a difference if he didn't do it "often", the intensity he did get angry at is scary and should not have happened. The therapist had asked her if she ever said anything to my dad when he was yell at us. She said, probably not because she is very passive, but if she ever did, he probably would have thought he was right. So again, I noticed that she was saying *if* again, which means it probably did happen, but she doesn't want to say it out loud.
The therapist had also asked her if she had ever comforted me and what she would do. She could not think of any, and also stated how I was moody as young as grade school, and told of a time I was at the dining table where one of my brothers must have looked at me. I yelled to my brother, stop looking at me, and went to my room and closed the door. My mum came and knocked on my door, but I wouldn't let her in. (I know I was a very angry child, I remember this, because I also yelled back/argued with my dad sometimes. I remember yelling at my dad that I hated him and wished my parents would get a divorce because I hated my dad so much). I was angry with this because I thought she was just calling me a cranky child that was supposed to be like that and there was nothing she could do to help.
So the second family session came and I addressed that I felt angry/hurt that she made it sound like I was a cranky child because there was probably a reason why I didn't trust anyone or her. I told her about the memory of stepping on a toy in my room and going to my dad because my food hurt. He just yelled at me, Maybe you should clean your Damn room! Instead of saying what I had mentioned at the beginning of the session as ways I want her to respond if I tell her stories about dad or feelings (I am sorry you went through that, that sounds hard, thank you for sharing that with me), she instead responded, was that me or dad, and I said dad. She continued by saying if I had come to her, she would have been more loving and caring. But the reality was that it wasn't her and she wasn't there for me. I was super dissociated during the second session and couldn't verbalize or think very well, or I would have probably gotten mad and yelled at her or something.
I also asked her why she didn't think anything was wrong/get me help. She said it was because I was around the age when I was supposed to be getting more moody, around junior high. I called her out because she said I was moody as young as grade school during the last session, but she replied, I don't remember saying that. By this time, I was totally shut down and didn't want to deal with this crap anymore. I was so frustrated with her because I thought she was saying anything to not have to feel at fault about anything.
I also wanted to mention I have talked to one of my older brothers because I was encouraged to in hopes of getting some validation. He wasn't much help, but sounded either confused or nervous when I was asking him if he remembered when we were younger. And I asked him if he remember dad being angry a lot. He said not all the time. I told him about how scared I was of him and that I have a response to angry people where I start to tremble and feel like I am going to start crying. I asked him if he remembered when dad smacked Jeff. He said he did not. I told him that I remember he was shacking his head at me mouthing the words no after I yelled at dad, and said I wasn't sure if it was because he was scared of him too, and that I thought maybe he felt the same as me. He did say that, dad only yelled when we were doing something wrong. And when he said that it made me really sad because I wondered if he felt like he was a bad kid when he got yelled at. I told him something along the lines of, dad shouldn't have yelled as us like that/that it wasn't his fault. My brother also said, he wouldn't want to get/be on dad's bad side though(I realized after I got off the phone with him what his statement might have meant). I responded (even though I should have asked him why he meant by that, but unfortunately I was somewhat dissociated and wasn't thinking very well.) that I must have been on dad's bad side because I remember yelling back at him a lot and arguing and because I remember he yelled at me for everything and little things. I ended the conversation with telling him, if he thinks of anything he wants to tell me, let me know, and that it is okay to talk to me about this stuff.
Just wanted to share with everyone. I know it doesn't matter what my family will say or admit happened/what it was like, but I crave validation especially after hearing my moms responses. I try to remind myself that I know I was affected, and even though I don't remember a lot, that what I do remember was scary enough to explain my reaction today to triggers and whatnot. And even though I hardly have any memories, that I don't have to remember for it to have an effect on me. I find myself wondering if things were really that bad and maybe I was just a cranky/irritable child that wouldn't let anyone help just like my mum described me. But then I remind myself of my body's reaction to angry people, that it is not something I can control. And I feel better. Less crazy and alone with no one believing me or understanding me.
I was a bit detached/dissociated during the session, but did feel quite a bit of emotion, especially since I was trembling for most of the time. I told my mum some boundaries that I wanted because she tends to be overprotective ever since high school when she found out I was self-injuring. She mentioned that she feels like I want to just deal with everything on my own and I don't want her to help me. I responded that is because I don't remember her ever being there for me before. (I didn't mention that I do not have any memories of her before I was in middle school... but I know that if she was supportive and was able to help me/be there for me, I wouldn't be like I am now/would remember it.) I told her about the memory I have of when my dad smacked my younger brother across the face when we were in a hotel room (I was middle school age) and that I yelled out, "Don't ever touch him like that again!" (I didn't mention the part about my older brother looking at me after I yelled, shaking his head no and mouthing the words no to me.) I told mum I remembered that her and my older brother was also there and said nothing. She just ushered us out to the pool and ignored it. My mum responded that she didn't remember that and said, "If your dad ever hit you guys, it wasn't that often." Now when I heard that, I thought 1) I think she just admitted that dad did hit us sometimes, but didn't want to admit to it and 2) if she didn't remember this, could it be that she didn't remember other times as well?
There were other responses that made me mad. I told her that I remember him yelling a lot and remember feeling very scared most of the time. She responded that, "He didn't yell that often, but he would let it bottle up and then let it out." I remember thinking afterwards, it doesn't make a difference if he didn't do it "often", the intensity he did get angry at is scary and should not have happened. The therapist had asked her if she ever said anything to my dad when he was yell at us. She said, probably not because she is very passive, but if she ever did, he probably would have thought he was right. So again, I noticed that she was saying *if* again, which means it probably did happen, but she doesn't want to say it out loud.
The therapist had also asked her if she had ever comforted me and what she would do. She could not think of any, and also stated how I was moody as young as grade school, and told of a time I was at the dining table where one of my brothers must have looked at me. I yelled to my brother, stop looking at me, and went to my room and closed the door. My mum came and knocked on my door, but I wouldn't let her in. (I know I was a very angry child, I remember this, because I also yelled back/argued with my dad sometimes. I remember yelling at my dad that I hated him and wished my parents would get a divorce because I hated my dad so much). I was angry with this because I thought she was just calling me a cranky child that was supposed to be like that and there was nothing she could do to help.
So the second family session came and I addressed that I felt angry/hurt that she made it sound like I was a cranky child because there was probably a reason why I didn't trust anyone or her. I told her about the memory of stepping on a toy in my room and going to my dad because my food hurt. He just yelled at me, Maybe you should clean your Damn room! Instead of saying what I had mentioned at the beginning of the session as ways I want her to respond if I tell her stories about dad or feelings (I am sorry you went through that, that sounds hard, thank you for sharing that with me), she instead responded, was that me or dad, and I said dad. She continued by saying if I had come to her, she would have been more loving and caring. But the reality was that it wasn't her and she wasn't there for me. I was super dissociated during the second session and couldn't verbalize or think very well, or I would have probably gotten mad and yelled at her or something.
I also asked her why she didn't think anything was wrong/get me help. She said it was because I was around the age when I was supposed to be getting more moody, around junior high. I called her out because she said I was moody as young as grade school during the last session, but she replied, I don't remember saying that. By this time, I was totally shut down and didn't want to deal with this crap anymore. I was so frustrated with her because I thought she was saying anything to not have to feel at fault about anything.
I also wanted to mention I have talked to one of my older brothers because I was encouraged to in hopes of getting some validation. He wasn't much help, but sounded either confused or nervous when I was asking him if he remembered when we were younger. And I asked him if he remember dad being angry a lot. He said not all the time. I told him about how scared I was of him and that I have a response to angry people where I start to tremble and feel like I am going to start crying. I asked him if he remembered when dad smacked Jeff. He said he did not. I told him that I remember he was shacking his head at me mouthing the words no after I yelled at dad, and said I wasn't sure if it was because he was scared of him too, and that I thought maybe he felt the same as me. He did say that, dad only yelled when we were doing something wrong. And when he said that it made me really sad because I wondered if he felt like he was a bad kid when he got yelled at. I told him something along the lines of, dad shouldn't have yelled as us like that/that it wasn't his fault. My brother also said, he wouldn't want to get/be on dad's bad side though(I realized after I got off the phone with him what his statement might have meant). I responded (even though I should have asked him why he meant by that, but unfortunately I was somewhat dissociated and wasn't thinking very well.) that I must have been on dad's bad side because I remember yelling back at him a lot and arguing and because I remember he yelled at me for everything and little things. I ended the conversation with telling him, if he thinks of anything he wants to tell me, let me know, and that it is okay to talk to me about this stuff.
Just wanted to share with everyone. I know it doesn't matter what my family will say or admit happened/what it was like, but I crave validation especially after hearing my moms responses. I try to remind myself that I know I was affected, and even though I don't remember a lot, that what I do remember was scary enough to explain my reaction today to triggers and whatnot. And even though I hardly have any memories, that I don't have to remember for it to have an effect on me. I find myself wondering if things were really that bad and maybe I was just a cranky/irritable child that wouldn't let anyone help just like my mum described me. But then I remind myself of my body's reaction to angry people, that it is not something I can control. And I feel better. Less crazy and alone with no one believing me or understanding me.
