Family Session

[Ayasha]

I've decided to have a session with my counselor and parents in hopes that my relationship with my parents (and consequently the rest of my family) does not get worse.

My counselor is up for this but has asked what I want to disclose to my parents and, more importantly, what I want from them. The problem is, I don't know if I want anything from them. I don't know if it is realistic to say that what I really want from them is to realize that I am not choosing to go through this, that PTSD is not my fault.

I don't really want to ask them for support, because they just are not able to handle emotions and I honestly have the support system I need already. Perhaps it would help if they did not push me to confront those that have hurt me, or try to force me to tell them what happened to me. Even one of these things I would be comfortable with because it would be progress in some form.

The main thing concerning me is that I wonder if there are ways people can help that I'm not aware of. Honestly, I am never sure what to tell people when they ask how/if they are able to help me. I know I've asked my counselor to explain how a PTSD diagnosis occurs, so hopefully that will help them better understand.

Do any of you have thoughts or suggestions?

 

[Candleflames]

Wow, that is an incredibly brave thing to do. I don't think that any of your possible wants are unrealistic. Especially for anyone to recognize that ptsd is not the fault of the sufferer. No one would get away with saying "Oh, well since you went out into public spaces during cold and flu season you must have chosen to get sick. If you wanted to be fine then you would be." That would be completely ridiculous!

I hope it goes well.

 

[rightkindofme]

I tried bringing my family in for a session. It was an unmitigated disaster. :( Be very clear with your therapist how YOU want it to go and what you want your therapist to be saying. Tricky stuff.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

When I was about 19 and living with my mother I asked to see a therapist. I had just gotten away from my rapist and I knew I needed help. My mother sent me to see her own therapist who was very shocked when I told him ( one of the first people I ever told) that I had been raped many times and he tried to kill me. I can't remember who decided too but someone thought it was a good idea to have a joint session, just my mother and me. It was terrible. She spent the entire time complaining about everything I do and all I keep thinking about was how tired I was (mentally. I had only been away from my rapist for about 3 months) and how I really need help. It broke me apart becasue I really wanted to tell her how much I was hurting but she was so focused on how terrible I was...The therapist just let her bitch and nothing was solved or helped during the session.

Fast forward a few years. I have a new therapist and I am in stable home away from her. My mother and me had another joint session with my own therapist who I have been seeing for 3 years now. My therapist didn't let my mother walk over me. When my mother started arguing with the facts I was telling her my therapist very calmly put her in her place by telling her to listen instead. It actually worked! I was so shocked when she backed down. He didn't give her the time of day and he didn't let her hurt me. He made it clear that the session was not about her.

My point is....make sure your therapist knows what they are doing and that you trust them. Talk to your therapist about what you would like to say. Maybe even act it out ahead of time? Be clear during the session with your family.

Good luck. I hope it goes well. :)

 

[LizardViolet]

Seems like you made a good list right there in your first post. Can you show that or read it out for your therapist? What you said sounds to me like you want to establish some boundaries with your family (you don't want them to push you), and you want them to better understand your situation (to hear more about PTSD and understand that it's not your fault). It also sounds like you don't want anything concrete from your family since you have your own support. If your family cares about you, it might reassure them to know that you have a support system that you are comfortable with.

 

[Hashi]

Perhaps it would help if they did not push me to confront those that have hurt me, or try to force me to tell them what happened to me. Even one of these things I would be comfortable with because it would be progress in some form.

I understand you saying this. At the same time, I wonder if it would be enough to have only one of those things? If it was me, if they stopped one but continued with the other, I think I'd still be pretty upset because the underlying issue for me would be that they weren't respecting my choices of how to handle things. If they stopped one thing but continued another, they still wouldn't be respecting that. I think I'd ask for that respect as a general point, with what you've given as examples.

Talking about it as a general point might also give the opportunity to validate their feelings and reassure them - which would probably be the most successful way to get their co-operation. Maybe they're thinking it would be better if they knew more and had a say in how you approach things, because they think they have more life experience so they can guide and advise you, they have fixed ideas about justice and "putting things right", or they feel powerless and more anxious if they aren't "involved". If so, then perhaps you and your therapist could explain that the best way for you to heal is to make your own decisions and take things at your own pace, and that letting you do that would be the most supportive and helpful thing they can do.

These are only examples, maybe the situation is different. But I think taking one step back from things might help identify a pattern that you want to address, rather than particular examples of that pattern. The examples are really important so they can understand, but if you focus only on examples rather than the overall pattern, then the risk is that as those examples are suppressed, the pattern might come back up in another guise - what type of therapy you should have, you should go on a trip to feel better, etc etc

Do these two points (pushing you to disclose, pushing you to confront people) relate to you wishing they'd realise PTSD isn't your fault? Whatever it is that's making you feel that way, I think it's valid to talk to them about it. You may need to explain what behaviours of theirs are making you feel this. Otherwise they might say, of course we know it's not your fault. Then go away and do exactly the same things because they haven't connected their actions with your feelings.

I think it's really brave of you to have a session like this. I'm glad your parents are willing to do it. I hope it does help your relationship with your parents and your wider family.

 

[Ayasha]

Be very clear with your therapist how YOU want it to go and what you want your therapist to be saying.

Yes, my therapist and I are meeting soon together to decide what I want to disclose and how we want the session to go.

When my mother started arguing with the facts I was telling her my therapist very calmly put her in her place by telling her to listen instead. It actually worked!

I think this is what I need my therapist to do, I've expressed to her more than once that it feels like my parents talk AT me rather than TO me. I trust her to mediate, her goal is to help me build a better relationship with my parents so that I become less stressed and upset when I am with them. I am very glad your second attempt with your mother went well, that gives me a lot of hope!

If so, then perhaps you and your therapist could explain that the best way for you to heal is to make your own decisions and take things at your own pace, and that letting you do that would be the most supportive and helpful thing they can do.

Yes, I think getting them to understand this would help very much. I think I'd need to be more specific with them and mention that they should also respect my choices, even if they disagree with them. In other words, I need them to stop saying things that make me feel guilty for taking care of myself first.

Do these two points (pushing you to disclose, pushing you to confront people) relate to you wishing they'd realise PTSD isn't your fault?

To quote my parents: 'You were a victim, we just don't understand why you continue to allow yourself to be a victim'. I've heard different versions of this over the past few years. Their solution is for me to confront the people who hurt me and to also disclose what happened. In their eyes, this is the best way to 'get over it'. I don't think they understand that the disorder itself will never go away, though it will get better.

 

[Ayasha]

I went to the session. I was so nervous and anxious I felt as if I'd be sick but I went. I'm not sure how much change will come of this, I know my parents have (or are going to) inform my siblings of what happened to me. I already know that my father did not listen much to my therapist- he rolled his eyes many times when she mentioned my need to work on feeling and expressing emotions. He also later told me he doesn't like labels and doesn't think I have PTSD; I know I went through this stage so I'm trying to be understanding with him. I made it clear though that I DO have the disorder and it is a life-long disorder but I can get myself to a point where I may not have as many symptoms and it can seem like I don't have PTSD at all.

They are pushing me to keep telling them more about what happened to me which has been very upsetting over the past few days and I'm glad that my therapist told me that she doesn't want me sharing that unless I really want to. The focus should be on the present, not getting stuck in the past. I agree with her. I'm still having to set boundaries and we're still working on helping me heal from past wounds from my trauma and the wounds I often get while visiting my parents.

My therapist did say, however, that she could see that my parents and I all share the same end-goal which is me getting better. I just have to be firm in explaining to them that I am the one who decides how I should heal and how they can help me. I know it is a parent's instinct to "fix" or "take care" of a child who is going through pain but they can't fix me and I have to take care of myself but they can learn to help me in a healthy way.

 

[Abstract]

You are very brave. Credit to you.

I hope they can learn to support you appropriately.

 

[who am i kim]

Awesome. Thank you for posting what happen. :)