Family To Stay

[HelenB]

I have not been on here long and this is the first post I have started other than my introduction and hope it is the right place but have just had a very full on half term with a few members of my family staying and feel like I have just about survived and I thought people on here would understand some of what I am feeling and wondered how others also cope with things like that.

My family was very dysfunctional when I was growing up and all my brothers and sister have a lot of issues too and know I have been working through things and also know how serious it was when I had anorexia and attempted suicide, but we all deal with it in very different ways and a lot of things which have been coming up recently I know I am not yet ready to be able to talk to them about. In many ways it makes things hard as though the people staying are not the ones who abused me, seeing them brings up so many more things about my family and childhood, which have been coming up so much recently anyhow.

Last Friday after a pretty hard EMDR session, I was finding it very hard to keep myself grounded and not just feel so much like that terrified little girl who everything was happening to, but when my twin brother and his family arrived late that night for the weekend, I had to hold it all together as much as I could and was really struggling. It was good to see him and my children love being with their cousins, but is still so hard with everything it brings up and the way things are still so hard for him too. Since then my sister and her family have also been staying and only just left this evening and it has been very full on with them and another of my brothers and his family around too and we also met with some of my other family and cousins and aunts over the weekend too, and though I just about held it all together, under it all it is just screaming so much and now they are gone it is just so hard to hold it all together.

I kind of feel like I have been fighting so hard to hold it together, and now they are gone there are just so many emotions and I feel like I can hardly hold it together any more. I feel so much like a terrified little girl and just want to run and run and run so much and get away from it all. It is scary how powerful those emotions are to just want to end it all. I know I am not going to and that my family need me so much and I really do love my husband and children so much, but it is still so hard. Now they need me so much to still be able to hold it together and I just find it so hard for all this stuff to be effecting me so much. I know so well that it does have such a massive effect on them and just find it so hard, and in so many ways things just hurt so much at the moment.

I do not really know what else to say really as again there is just such a massive mix of emotions about everything and I have kind of gone off on a tangent from what I was originally writing about, but I kind of thought that people on here would also understand some of the things I am feeling and wanted to write.
Thank you for reading
Helen

 

[franciemarnie]

Wow, you are something! I would honestly not have been able to handle all that family. No way. Some day I might, but not where I am at now. I only have one brother and my parents are both deceased. If I just have a short email from my brother, I might be lost in a maelstrom of emotion for days and days.

You did unbelievably great in my opinion. It would be fantastic if you would focus on just you now - to whatever extent you can given family obligations and expedients, and take care of you. Whatever methods of comforting or loving yourself you have, please do them.

After I see family I have to discharge immense amounts of emotional energy and working out helps tremendously. I am not capable of mindful meditation when I have what feels like a zillion electric currents passing thru and crossing over. After a work out, I can get calm enough to breathe and do body scans. I might watch favorite movies or listen to cathartic music.

Anyway, you did fabulous, and I identify.

 

[HelenB]

Thank you so much for you encouragement. Family is always something which is complicated for me and brings up so many emotions. I have always coped by trying to shut it all out and survive and thrown myself so much into just being busy and looking after everyone else, but now that is so hard and when everything feels so real now it is just so hard to keep myself grounded and even keep going at times.

I had a bit of a meltdown last night after they were all gone and really was ready to give up on everything, but have survived and did actually go swimming this morning with a friend after I got most of mine to school. I rarely do go and take time for myself like that but swimming really seems to ground me and my friend suggested it and I know it was good to take the time out. Now I am feeling so many different emotions and have loads of things I am supposed to be doing but just can't seem to get my head round it all and in so many ways just feel like I want to cry and cry and cry. I have my oldest off school today as he had an extra couple of days for half term so know I have to hold it together somehow. So often I just wish it would all go away, again that takes me back to the place where I just want to destroy myself so much because it just won't, but I know I do have to stop doing that and that in reality the only way is to actually learn to allow myself to feel and keep feeding in so much that I am safe now and it is ok, but when it is so hard to balance with everything else and being a wife and mother and very thing else too it is just so hard.

Again so much is screaming inside me. All the emotions from seeing my family and all the things about my dad and everything else. In so many ways I just want to scream it all out. Make it all real and really be real with my family and everyone about what happened, but then I am totally terrified and want to run and hide and just get away from it all. I know in my adult place that one day I do need to be totally honest with my family about everything, but know that now I am not in that place. I feel like a terrified little girl and just find it all so hard.

I don't know if I'll even post this now as my head is really starting go and it feels so strange to be writing it on here, but I kind of feel like you are people who will understand and really hope it is ok.
Helen