Feeling Incredibly Stuck In Life...

[Buda]

( WARNING LONG POST.) So, i've been really frustrated lately. I don't know how to get my life going off the ground. There are so many things in life i want to do, but i feel like a ghost. I am crippled by fear to the point where i barely leave the house. I have only one or two friends i even talk to anymore let alone see. I have no work experience and never had a job (im in my 20s and female). I have a degree in something that isn't lucrative and not my passion. I also don't have a driver's license or a car.

The parent that i live with is supposed to be helping me to learn how to drive but i rarely feel like going out to learn because when i am in the car, i get really nervous. I tried to go for my road test once but the car my relative let me use had an expired inspection sticker and i didn't think to even check beforehand. Everything i learned for the test just leaked out of my head beforehand. So i gave that up for a while. But now that i am trying to learn again, my permit expires soon and i feel like i have very little support.

I feel like i have been cheated in life. When i was growing up i had a parent who was extremely emotionally and physically abusive. I lived with that parent from toddler years until i was 18 and i no longer speak to that parent. Growing up i never told anyone about the hell i was living through. I couldn't learn to drive as a teenager, couldn't date, couldn't hang out with friends from school, and was forced to take care of an infant sibling every day. I have forgiven that parent for what they did, but i can't bring myself to speak with them. I am so scared of that parent that i never want to see them again.

Every day i look in the mirror and struggle to see a worthy person. I am always either irritated or on the verge of tears. I got off the anti depressant i was on for six years a couple months ago because i was sick of them doing nothing for me and sick of withdrawals. I also have been discriminated against in the past because of the meds. My last two serious partners put me down because i don't have a job or car, so i left them. I just want to die every single day. The only blessing in my life is the fact that my basic needs are met. If this parent that i live with dies, i will be left with nothing.

My questions are: is there anyone else out there like me? How does one cope with the crushing low self-esteem? How do i get my life together? The only things i have been trying to claw at right now are driving and going to therapy weekly. I don't feel like anyone would want to date me because i have nothing to offer materially. So many other women my age have jobs cars and do everything with ease that i struggle to do. I hate anxiety, i hate PTSD, and i just want to get better.

 

[Odo]

I was very depressed in my late teens. Early twenties. I had a lot of strong feelings I didn't understand and the feelings themselves made me hate myself more - resentment, hopelessness, self disgust.
I was never comfortable with what was inside me and it took me maybe another 20 odd years to understand and heal a lot of that - with a LOT of outside help.
For a long time I thought I could kind of outrun those feelings - doesn't work, they catch up!
Be kind to yourself - sounds like you've had enough of the opposite coming from outside. And try not to compare yourself to others - everyone does things in their own time and yours will come. in the meantime, keep talking and trying to sort it out. The more you look after yourself, it raises self esteem - and vice versa

 

[Ekazun]

I was very depressed in my late teens. Early twenties. I had a lot of strong feelings I didn't understand and the feelings...

thank you :)

 

[Natopi]

I have extremely similar situation to yours.
So I can relate a lot and sympathize a lot.
I also stick to my therapy mainly and to survive day to day.
I am trying to keep hope that I will manage to heal some day that it won't be forever I will not be able to work and to provide my own money and place to live.
And I am not able to do that now, although in my late 20s still living with parents.
Also I have toxic home situation and complete lack of support, no friends in sight.
I also struggle to keep my career in which I am not able to work right now.
I just want you to know that you are not alone and that you could find a great support here at this forum.
Try to engage with people here, for me was very helpful.
Good luck!