Feeling Really Down

[Deleted member 20280]

After such a good few days I contacted my 14 year old daughter on Face-book. What I received was nothing short of a mouthful of abuse.

I have felt so elated after my successes of the last few days all this has done has kicked me back months of me bringing myself out of a pit of despair.

All I wanted to do was contact my child and chat.

Kaiya is my third child and probably the closest emotionally of all six of my children.

After my breakdown I fell into a bottomless pit of self pity and depression that I felt I could hide from the world. All I want to do is work my way back to a stable me so that I can pay what I owe my children and be the kind of father they deserve. All I feel now is hurt and tears. All I want to do is cry out. I know I hurt my kids in such a way that they may never forgive me for my actions. This F**king condition has destroyed my relationship with my kids so much I just can't bear to be without them any more. "I" messed up "I" hurt them. They did nothing to deserve what "I" did.

"I" was the one that suffered years of abuse and pain. "I" broke down and got arrested at gunpoint.

"I" hurt them by not being the father "THEY" deserved.

All I want to do is hurt myself like I hurt them. I want to punch the S*IT out of myself for not being there. My kids are 18 yrs old eldest and 9 months old youngest. I should be with them every day but have been absent for nearly 10 months now, no wonder they hate me so much. A fatherless home and heartbroken children. I have no right to cry at this time but I am. I am struggling to see the right keys just to post this.

YES I am depressed and I hate myself for all the pain "I" have subjected them to.

LIFE SUCKS WITH THIS SHIT CONDITION

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((laurie71)))

You do have the right to cry. You were given the ability to make tears for a reason, right?

So sorry you are in so much pain. I don't know what else to say. I feel like anything I could say just wouldn't be good enough. So, for now, I will just ((((((((((((((((laurie71)))))))))))))))))))

 

[nursenurse]

She is fourteen. She is immature and self centred, and probably uneducated about PTSD. She is a typical 14 year old. I would not expect her to welcome you with open arms right now. That doesn't mean that you stop looking after yourself and recovering to the best of your ability. Kids mature, they grow up, and if she sees the progress that continues and is consistent, then one day she may accept you. Same thing with the 18 year old. I don't know what your relationship is like there. I also don't know what Mom is telling them

Don't be so hard on yourself. You may have done all of those things, but you are also working on yourself, you have to be worth it in your own eyes. It took a long time for conditions to deteriorate to the point where you were taken out of your children's lives for whatever reason. It takes time to re-earn trust all around. Don't let it dissuade you. Your healing is something you have to do for yourself, not for your kids, not for anyone else in your life. If you continue on your path slowly and consistently, you may redevelop a relationship with your children again, as a bonus. Most importantly, you have to develop a sustainable relationship with yourself. You have endured so much, and you have the capability of rising above it. You are worthy of love, and of respect, but others will only see it in you when you see it in yourself first.

Hugs to you, it is not an easy path, but it is surmountable.

 

[seedling]

I agree, your daughter is at a difficult age to be understanding of your position. If you can be honest with her that may be the best path. She is old enough for you to start talking to her like the young woman she is growing into. Be real. No one can be perfect. You are the father she has, if she can start to know where you are at and that you care about the way you have behaved and want something better maybe she can start to accept things as they are. She may simply want you to hear the pain she is in and this is her way of doing that.

Those are strong words to say "no wonder they hate me," I hear self hatred in that.

One way to love them again is to love yourself. Be kind to yourself, don't imagine yourself punching yourself. Imagine yourself treating yourself the way you've always wanted to be treated. Your inner sense of worthiness will project itself to your children. Even if you don't feel it try to believe it, tell yourself you deserve it.

PTSD does not wait for a convenient time to show itself, when you are out of contact with people that might get hurt and you can deal with it as the world goes on by. Do your best for yourself and your children.

Maybe you could set some boundaries when you are with them or contact them. Let them know what they will or will not have to deal with when there is contact.

Our family of four was caught up in one trauma and as we recover over time I feel guilty about how bad off I was and that I couldn't help my children more. At the same time I can't suck in to that guilt because the situation was what it was. We've weathered a lot and made progress.

We all need so much forgiveness. Take care

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Thanks guys. took my meds and crashed out. Awoke with more positive thought this morning after a good nights sleep.

(((hugs))) accepted and returned.

 

[WendyA]

@laurie71 This certainly does suck, I totally agree. I am not saying that to get you going, but more validating your feelings and identifying with that feeling, as I am feeling the same now. Your kids will look to your strength some day, if they don't already, that you made it through the worst and darkest time in your life. You are a wonderful example of a real hero. I'm sorry if those statements bother you, sometimes I hate when people say that stuff to me depends on my mood really. But maybe if you don't want to hear compliments now, you can re-read at a later time when you need them. I feel like a failure to my kids at this moment, but I hope that what I said to you and what people have said to me is true and that I can believe it some day. Big (((hugs))) to you!!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@WendyA your words are great thank-you huge amounts. (((hugs))) back