Flashbacks Versus Reality

[cheddar2000]

I am having a serious problem. I have been in an outpatient drug rehab since Oct 2009. I go 3 times a week for 3 hours each and have had 8 drug tests come back negative for any alcohol or drugs. I also lost my spouse (divorce) and my spouse pretty much keep my alters in place and under control. Without my spouse the alters are out and one alter is a know drug and alcohol addict from the ages of 12 through 28. I am having flashbacks from abuse as well but recognize them as flashbacks. I am well cared for and have a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, and the rehab drug and alcohol counselor. I swear I am drinking and drugging, that is how real it seems to me. The rehab did a special test for me (since I am insisting it is happening right now) recently that came back negative as well. I take lexapro 40mg for depression and seroquel 50 mg 3x daily for anxiety and 500 mg at night for sleep.

I am very embarrassed about the whole thing. Can my flashbacks of alcohol be so real that I am confusing reality with them or is it possible that I could have 8 regular screens come back negative and now an advanced screen come back negative and I am using. All the tests were on urine and they do following strict procedures and are the major tester for the courts, employment, etc in my area.

Sorry to be so long winded but I have to wonder if pursuing this as real is any more helpful at this point or if I need to accept I am having very real flashbacks. Then the question becomes do I need hospitalization? I work full time and am functioning as normal at work but home is a bit messy.

 

[onebravegirl]

Hi there,
I am glad that you are here. I think you will find many helpful opinions and very caring people to talk too.
The question I wonder if you need to ask yourself is... What are you afraid to know? The fear of actually drinking and not rememebering it or just thinking that you are drinking and your not? The tests sound pretty convincing that you are sober.
Flashbacks, triggers and dissotiation are all part of PTSD.
What ever the case may be, accept the explinations that your caregivers offer and work from there.
I would talk it out with theTherapist.
Do not worry about being long winded, type ALL you need too.
Hospitlization becomes important in cases of suicidal tendancies, detox and assessments. But if you are functioning well enough to work, that is a good sihn that you may not need to be in a hospital. Again, talk to your Therapists, they would know the appropriate care you need.
Keep talking!
O

 

[tryintobreathe]

Congratulations on your sobriety. It sounds like you are working very hard to help yourself get better. I can tell you that when I first got off of drugs almost 6 years ago, I would have "using dreams" and when I would wake up, I felt high! It was so scary because, of course, usually my first thought was "Oh no! I relapsed!"! It always took a few minutes before I felt ok and could realize it was a dream. Maybe it's something similar but instead of a dream, it's a flashback.

Jen

 

[cheddar2000]

Thanks for your replies. I have thought about this all weekend. I told my 20 year old daughter what is going on and she is going to go to my individual appointment at rehab. She said that once I told her what was going on it all made better sense. I still struggle with what is real and what is a flashback. I am trying to accept that my flashbacks can seem real and that my alters are active again due to the stress in my life.

My therapist and psychiatrist are taking a very supportive frame right now. They want me to work mostly on getting stable right now and learning how to cope with the flashbacks so I don't become lost in them.

I know this is a crazy question but is it possible to have all negative test results but a person is actually drinking and smoking pot? Is it possible that my body has an illness it is fighting or my blood levels are off causing negatives?

Thanks.
Donna

 

[onebravegirl]

I cannot really say an answer to the test results being faulty, I really do not know.
But years ago I read some where that people with DID can have alters with tumors, false pregnancies etc. The muscle structure in the face can seem to re-shape itself when shifting to different atlers and such. These characteristics disappear and reappear.
Have you ever read about Trudy Chase? She is the woman who wrote "When rabbits howl". She has over 100 alters.
O