My Perspective
Good thread Allen!
Excellent questions On The Outside!
I sometimes get the song stuck in my head thing. There is one song in particular that used to make me cry, and it would not stop playing. At first I avoided the song, I would run to the bathroom and cry or leave or try to think of something else. It still bothers me a little, but I have looked it up on You Tube and made myself listen to it over and over again (I just started this within the past couple months). I am starting to have a less severe reaction to it, but it still hurts a little. I do not count this as a "flash back" so much as a trigger and I am trying to work through it by exposure.
I also get images (both moving and still) stuck in my head sometimes. I see horrible things so vividly that I cannot function or cope. Sometimes it starts to bleed into "real life" as in I will feel physical sensations of pain and extreme states of emotional distress. I know at the time that these things are not really happening... its more like a very bad daydream or a nightmare while I am awake and it just won't stop. I feel like a monster when I am experiencing these intrusive thoughts because they are often horribly violent and full of rage. I have learned that it is better if I IMMEDIATELY take my medication the SECOND they start. That helps them from getting too far out of hand. I also distract myself as much as possible while I am waiting for the medication to kick in and try to create "real" physical sensations to stay in the present. I also start praying, chanting, or using mindfulness techniques from meditation. The subject of the image is where I start to draw the line between an intrusive thought and a low level flash back. If it is something that actually happened to me, then I consider it a flash back. If it is an extension of something that happened to me or something traumatic I was forced to listen to or a negative set of ideas that have been put into my head, then I call it an intrusive thought. It is a gray area, if that makes any sense.
If I start to loose touch with reality and start reliving an experience I have had (body memories, repressed memories suddenly coming out, dramatic shift in personality, confusion over where I am and how old I am, thinking that the person who harmed me is the person who I am interacting with when it is not) then I call that a flash back. I try to catch it as early as I can and I keep medication on me AT ALL TIMES for this reason. I have learned to recognize the signs that I am loosing it and that has been helpful. I have also had to swallow my pride and accept outside advice when my life partner starts to notice what he calls "crazy eyes".
I sometimes go off the deep end despite my best efforts. Something sudden and unexpected that strongly resembles a past trauma can start this. The symptoms are much worse during these times which I call severe or accute flash backs. These are the ones like I see in the movies.... sometimes worse than what the movies depict. I often do not remember parts of what I say or do during these times and consider them to be very dangerous. I sometimes stop breathing or feel a popping sensation in my head followed by a light headed and physically weak feeling. I have also been told that I talk to people that are not there (from the past) and can get abusive or exhibit reckless and dangerous behavior. I have also lost bodily control during some of them (to the point where I was vaguely aware of my surroundings but could not physically move or speak). These severe flash backs can take weeks to recover from and the recovery process usually includes several smaller flash backs and intrusive thoughts that diminish in severity as I slowly work my way back to the present.
All four of the above are different levels of post traumatic reactions I experience in my awake hours. Each level is horrible, and gets worse as you move further down the list. Fortunately I am more aware of what is going on now and that helps me navigate through these tough times and sometimes prevent disaster. I am also very grateful that my life partner has stuck by me through all of this, he has helped me more than words can say. I am also very very grateful to God for unique and sudden moments of clarity or comfort that I sometimes experience during an episode... but this is something that words cannot describe... these are experiences that must be lived to be understood.
I can say that I have made quite a bit of progress over the years. Writing on this forum and being more open and honest about my symptoms with my doctors, friends, and family have helped to expedite the recovery process. I still have a long way to go, but I am no longer ashamed and I have hope for the future.
I wish you all the best in managing your own post traumatic reactions. It is a difficult and confusing process but more than worth it.
Liz H.
