Former Marine That Keeps Leaving Me.

[brookelynlove]

Hi I haven't ever posted anything before so please be patient with me if I do or say something wrong.

Its a long story but I need to get it out somewhere and I hope maybe someone here will know what is going on with my love life because I sure as hell don't.

About 3 1/2 years ago I met a guy at work that I ended up being pretty crazy about. At first we would just catch a movie and dinner as friends but he always paid my way, opened doors, walked me to my car, etc. He acted like the dream guy that every girl would want. As things progressed along like this I developed feelings for him. About 6 months of this goes by and so I decided to tell him I had feelings that went beyond friendship. He responds with I have a lot going on right now and I'm not looking for a relationship (he was in the middle of EMT school). So I waited another 6+ months for him(within this time frame he finished school). He never stopped taking me out on the "not" dates and he can flirt with the best of them. But finally I approached him again and he pretty much gave me the same response verbatim, almost as if it was rehearsed.

Well I continued to wait for him to be ready and he continued to lead me on. After about a year and a half of getting no where I had reached a point of giving up. When I walked away from it he decided he wanted me so we began dating. He confided in me that he had served as a marine awhile ago and that he has had problems with relationships since.

We dated for about a year the first time before he began to withdraw. Then he just broke up with me. He said he didn't love me, that he had forced himself to stay with me for as long as he did. I kept trying to get him to work it out for about a month before I gave up. As soon as I quit talking to him he came back. We dated about another year and now he has done it again. Out of the blue, he just came home (we were living together this time) and told me almost word for word everything he said the first time. I tried to just cut it off clean and move on but he keeps coming back, not completely but enough to keep me there.

we dont argue or fight really at all. Everytime this happens its comes out of no where. There is never a discussion that says we need to work on this, or this really bothers me, he just comes home and starts talking about the smallest little things that aren't even important and then says its over. But he wont just leave me alone, he breaks up with me and within the same night will want to cuddle up with me. I didn't know what to think until a mutual friend said that he thinks my "not" boyfriend has ptsd. I don't know how to tell if he does or not, I'm not even fully aware of what it is but I really don't know what to do . I love him more than anything and if he needs a strong person to be there I will be that person but how do I even know that this is what he suffers from, how do I convince him to get help?

 

[shimmerz]

Sounds like some pretty good attachment disorder stuff.
To me, this,

He responds with I have a lot going on right now and I'm not looking for a relationship

negates this.

Well I continued to wait for him to be ready and he continued to lead me on.

I don't see how this is leading you on. He said it twice pretty clearly. You persisted.

he breaks up with me and within the same night will want to cuddle up with me.

Say no. It sounds like he doesn't know what to do with all of this inside of him. No doubt, while he is sorting it out, you will be damaged, so this is about you too imho.

how do I convince him to get help?

You don't. He has to figure that out himself. He has to care about something/someone enough to get help. This is where supporters generally get really nervous.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he has PTSD. Yes, many of us have problems with relationships and put distance between ourselves and other people. But, what strikes me about your post is that you don't mention any of the other key PTSD criteria. And, given that you've been with him so long, chances are you would have noticed something else other than this distancing within the relationship.

The only way to know exactly what he's dealing with is for him to seek out professional help to explore the possibility that he has a disorder. At the very least it sounds like you both could benefit from counseling. As for convincing him to get help? You can urge him to get help, but he has to want to change for himself. If he doesn't want help, there is nothing you can do for him. He must want it for himself and be motivated to change.

 

[shimmerz]

I didn't know what to think until a mutual friend said that he thinks my "not" boyfriend has Link Removed.

Jeez, I missed this entirely. It's late. Thank you Solara.

 

[GWhizz]

All I can add to the previous replies is that you get professional relationship counselling if you do get 'back together'. It seems he doesn't know what he wants anyway, and I'm sorry you've been on the receiving end of it. But it also seems as though you chose to get swept along in your own feelings for him and kept pushing for a relationship even though he seems to be saying he doesn't want anymore than your friendship and has exhausted his attempts at anymore than that. Maybe you can just offer to be his friend if that's all that he wants and if you're okay with that.

 

[Nico]

I agree with Solara that you shouldn't jump to conclusions yet that he has PTSD. Although, I can understand where you are and trying to figure this guy out. After 3 1/2 years and you're still trying to "figure him out" isn't really healthy. He told you right out of the gate that he's not ready for a relationship, but you put yourself at risk and waited around for him. I'm assuming your relationship is sexual, so of course a guy is going to stick around for some sex sans a commitment. Why did he wait so long to tell you he was a Marine? Did he tell you what he did for the Marines? A lot of vets have PTSD even if they weren't in a combat situation.

Your guy seems to want you when he can't have you. Personally, I don't do the yo-yo treatment. You're either in or you're out. If the guy is suffering from PTSD, that's different, but it needs to be communicated in order to understand behavior. I don't know if your guy is going to come out and tell you, or if he is even aware that he has some emotional issues. You can't push him into therapy though, that is on him. What you can do is stop hoping he's going to be someone he isn't. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I want to point out that you put yourself in the situation and allowed yourself to become attached to someone that really isn't fully available to you. If he keeps repeating the same patterns, he's not going to change until he realizes. Some guys it takes a couple or more broken relationships to self reflect.

At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if this is what you want. It doesn't sound to me like you have much security with him. Open communication about how you really feel in the relationship is something you need to discuss with him.

 

[The why behind Ptsd]

I am sorry I put so much into the story that I didn't explain. Three of our close mutual friends have said that they think it is a problem for him. These friends are not professional counsellors so I know that they may not know exactly what's going on, however, none of them know each other, they all came up with this on their own.

The why. I don't know the division name where he was stationed, all he has told me is that he was deployed to Afghanistan and he was on a bomb/mine removing squad. He doesn't like to talk about his time served and I don't push because I can understand how it is a sensitive subject. Six months after he came back his dad died from a stroke.

When I first started staying over I found out that he slept with a gun under his pillow and he continued to until I told him it made me comfortable. Then he moved it to the bedside table. He has tremors or shakes (I don't know how to describe it) in his sleep that are so severe that it wakes him up frequently. He struggles with sleeping the whole night through. The slightest noise will wake him up then he will just lay there for hours. If something is out of place it drives him nuts. Everything has its home and it cant be changed. Change freaks him out beyond any thing else. He asked me to move in but when I started bringing my things over he freaked out and made me bring most of it to my parents house.
He compartmentalizes life and his friends. Work friends are work friends, high school buddies are high school buddies. They will never meet one another.

About a 1 1/2 ago we were watching a movie in bed and he fell asleep and started having a seizure. He was 30 years old the first time and he has had every test ran numerous times. The doctor's cant find a physical presence that would cause it and several of the doctor's implicated the possibility of it being a psychological stimulant that causes them. Since then he has had several more all being while he was in my company with the exception of one.

He doesn't communicate well, neither of us do. But its not for lack of trying on my part. I've begged for him to open up but he wont allow himself to become vulnerable. He does not allow himself to become emotional about anything.

HE is a great person please don't think I'm bashing him. I do love him and thats why I've tried to be patient with the"yo-yo game". I say that he leads me on because of the things he does when we are trying to be just friends. I will try my hardest to keep an appropriate amount of space between us while we are together. But he will slowly creep his way closer to me. A couple of weeks ago we were setting on the couch watching tv and there was probably about 2 1/2 ft between us. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him and made me lay with him. It wasn't entirely forced because I wanted to but he initiated it. And it wasn't about sex because thats as far as he took it. He has done things like that over and over again. We were having a fun conversation when he just grabbed me by my hair and started kissing me. This is several weeks after he dumped me and kicked me out of his house. I told him I wanted to take some time and space away from him and so I didn't talk to him for a couple weeks. Within that time he found any reason he could to try and talk to me or get me to come over.

I know that right now I can't be just friends. I feel to strongly about him but every time I try to make that distance happen he find a way to be apart of my life. But he takes things beyond just friends every time I try to spend time with him. He initiates the kissing and cuddling. He asks me to have dinner with him. The first time he broke up with me he invited me to come have dinner with him and his mom two days later. Which to him is a big deal. No one ever meets his mom, she told me so herself.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Even if it isn't ptsd something is going on with him It has been for years. I'm not the first girl he has done this to. There have been several.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I must comment on the compartmentalization bit. Yes, I am a sufferer, and yes, I do the same. However, I have been told that this is much more of a guy thing. That is, guys have their work friends and their personal friends and their school friends, etc, and paths tend not to cross. Women on the other hand intermingle EVERY aspect of life.

Essentially, he's told you what he wants/does not want, but you refuse to listen. You put up with the wonky boundaries and the yo-yo stuff because you're holding out eternal hope that things are going to change. I'll be blunt.....without treatment and actively working on healing, things are never going to change. You've been dealing with this for almost 4 years, but I have a feeling this pattern has been going on a lot longer than that as you state he's done this to previous women, too.

 

[Nico]

Ok, from what you describe it does sound like he has PTSD and from his line of military work, I wouldn't doubt it. But if he's never been diagnosed and doesn't get help, he'll never get better. My former military ptsd guy didn't like to talk about what he had seen/done. He would tell me that I am far too sweet to want to know what he's been through.

I don't know if I could tolerate the treatment you go through, especially over 3 years. I know it's hard when you feel you love someone, but it doesn't appear you really communicate how hurt you get when he calls it quits. Imagine if you were married. I'd suggest reading through some threads on here. There are plenty of sufferers who have loving relationships and the key to their success is communication. You'll see that word a lot on here. My guy was terrible at communicating when he was going through a bad time, and it ultimately ended our relationship. I didn't even know it ended...I had to just "figure it out on my own" since he disappeared. You don't want to go through that.