Relationship Friend Of A Sufferer

[amethystium]

Hello! First of all I want to thank everyone who is involved in this forum. I am quite new to PTSD and it has been an invaluable source of information the last two weeks.

I have a very close friend with PTSD and I didn’t know about her condition until about 8-9 months ago. She told me she doesn’t like talking about it so I never asked her anything but my biggest mistake was that I never made an effort to read and learn something about it and educate myself so that I know what she is going through and be more supportive and understanding.

She's seeing a therapist and her PTSD has barely been an issue between us until about a month ago when our friendship hit a rough patch. We haven’t talked since the beginning of March because she insisted on “space”, “distance” and “quiet” until she is ready to talk to me again. I am not allowed to contact her as she said that will result in her cutting me off emotionally forever.

This is my first experience with a PTSD sufferer and I am at a loss what to do. I care deeply about her and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but at the same time her behavior hurt me a lot, especially the ultimatum I was given because it makes me question if our friendship means anything to her at all. After reading a lot of posts here, I now understand some of her reactions which were really frustrating for me and I see some of the things I did wrong like pushing her to talk and not understading her desire to be away from me as a way to deal with our problem. I just don’t know what part of the things she says are the PTSD talking and what she actually means. And how long should I wait before I give up hope for saving our friendship because right now I feel powerless as all I can do is wait for her to come back to me. And not knowing if she ever will is very stressful.

 

[amethist]

Hi amethystium

Welcome to the forum.

Being a friend to a sufferer is not going to be easy, as you are beginning to find out. Reading, learning all you can and asking questions is a good starting point.

Unfortunately wanting "Space, distance and quiet" is one thing that some sufferers need a lot of, they need this time without any outside stress so they can heal. Even the best of friendships can cause good stress, which can be as bad to some as good stress.

If she has asked you not to contact her, then you really should abide by her request. Its not easy to deal with from your side, but it could be worse if you go against what she has asked for. Waiting is the hard part.

While you are waiting, please do not put your life on hold, live it as best you can, and look after yourself.

Amethist

 

[BigBear]

I'd add that two people sometimes happen to pass. I'm not saying to manufacture this. But when it does happen, a quick thumbs up or something like that is not the same thing, as"communication". But don't stop to talk unless she calls out to you.

She isn't asking you to stop caring (though she might in fear of hurting you). She is asking you not for force a reaction from her. Her natural reactions (at this time) threaten her stability.

Be a human. Smile. Look at her. Just don't hang about.

If that's too much for her, it could be a doomed expedition. But then with PTSD, little is certain.

Bear

 

[amethystium]

Thank you so much for your advice, Amethist and Bear! It helps me to understand everything better. I won’t contact her until she’s ready to talk to me again. I just hope I didn't push things too far before I knew that when she said she needed space, she really meant that.

It is all still a bit overwhelming. And waiting is definitely one of the hardest things to do. I know it’s different for all sufferers but how long could these periods of needing distance last? Could it be months?

 

[BigBear]

The past is the past. Don't get hung up on it. Sometimes it seems that we make mistakes with others so we can do better with the next one. That happened from my first wife to my second.

Bear

 

[amethystium]

Thank you, Bear! I keep trying to remind myself this. There really isn't any use beating ourselves up over things that are in the past and we cannot change, is there?

I still haven't heard from my friend. It's been over a month and I am trying really hard to stop myself from contacting her just to ask her if we are still friends or not. I don't know what effect that would have on her but the "not knowing" hurts too much. And at the same time I don't know how to let go of someone who's been such a vital part of my life and who's told me times and times again that they would stay in it forever.

My heart goes out to all of you Carers and my honest admiration because up until now I've never thought of the emotional toll PTSD takes on you (on Sufferers too). You are really strong people.