General Getting Back To Strong

[Wastinglight]

Lately I've been pondering a lot why I end up feeling weak and mildly unhappy and just not......me, when I am in a committed relationship.

Yes, it is true that the two long-term relationships I've had, have both been with men who have PTSD. It is also true that my ex was a lying turd, and that my relationship with him should not have lasted 6 months, let alone spanned 15 years.

But I suspect the answer lies within me, and my self image, my doubts, my expectations of myself - and others - when I am in a relationship. And possibly my choice of partner.

The few times in my life when I have been single, I felt strong, independent, calm and certainly less anxious and stressed. But still not happy, exactly. Well, yes, I guess I was happy for a while, then after a time, I would become aware of the hole in my heart. Even though I had sworn off relationships.

When I fell in love with my current guy, I knew - really knew - that I DID want a relationship, and I wanted one with that guy. I still feel that.

But twelve months in, I am again feeling the general malaise that has affected my relationships with others (and I suppose not just with romantic partners, now I think about it) my entire adult life.

It's like, I feel like I give too much, and get too little in return, and then I end up feeling short-changed, and the resentment grows until it threatens to destroy the relationship. But then when I pull back and give less, I feel like I've only got one foot in the relationship. It doesn't feel right.

My ex told me once that I will never be happy. He believed he knew me inside out, I'm not sure if that's true. But I think he meant that I will never allow myself to be happy. And I can see the grain of truth there.

But why? Why can I not retain that feeling of strength and independence and capability while I am in a relationship? Why do I feel so copeless, and limited, when I'm in a relationship? Especially when I am so certain that this is what I want?

Sorry, I don't know if any of that makes sense, and if anyone else can relate. I literally just clicked "new post" and all of those words tumbled out.

What the hell is wrong with me? Is my anxiety disorder to blame - is this simply how all people with anxiety feel? Or is it something fundamentally wrong with my view of the world, and my place in it?

More to the point, how do I change things around?

 

[Pilgrim]

I totally get it. I could have written this, myself. :depressed:

 

[Wastinglight]

Thank you @Pilgrim . It helps to know that I'm not alone.

 

[Changing4Best]

I believe what your feeling happens a lot in relationships in general. It is hard to continue to put oneself into a relationship that does not give as much back. I think that is most frustrating! I also think that the other parties just may not have it in them to give back in equal doses. Rarely is balance found in many areas of life. One can have this happen at a job, where one is not being paid what one is worth. It can definitely happen in sibling relationships. I always have to call my sister. She hardly ever calls me. Sometimes it hurts me enough that I just put off calling her, to see if maybe I am wrong. No, she just continues on in her life without calling me. So finally in desperation, I call her. She has no idea how much this hurts me. I have not spoken to her about how I feel. One thing did come to light when I spoke to my niece. She said that her mother never calls her either!

 

[Purplemunchkin]

The few times in my life when I have been single, I felt strong, independent, calm and certainly less anxious and stressed. But still not happy, exactly. Well, yes, I guess I was happy for a while, then after a time, I would become aware of the hole in my heart. Even though I had sworn off relationships.

I loved living alone. I enjoyed the freedom of not being accountable to another person, of being able to avoid other humans from Friday to Monday (not always, but when I wanted to). I think it made me stronger and have to be independent (except when there were spiders :nailbiting: ).

And when I felt that hole I got furr-babies (indoor bunnies).

I have always looked back on that time with great affection, and sometimes when things are rough part of me thinks it would be nice to be there again. But very quickly I realise that, nah, I wouldn't be without my husband and I feel like this:

When I fell in love with my current guy, I knew - really knew - that I DID want a relationship, and I wanted one with that guy. I still feel that.

Give yourself some time to adjust to your new living arrangements. Try to make some space for you, rather than just you-as-supporter-to-my-man. You should never give up who you are, no matter who you are in a relationship with (and whether or not they have PTSD).

 

[Wastinglight]

I always have to call my sister. She hardly ever calls me. Sometimes it hurts me enough that I just put off calling her, to see if maybe I am wrong. No, she just continues on in her life without calling me.

Thank you @SheilaKathy - what you wrote sounds very familiar! I experience something similar with my sister. She is very intolerant of me when I am struggling and literally ignores me for months on end - that is happening at the moment, in fact. I feel like I am the one who gives more in most relationships - except for my mum, who has always given too much of herself to her relationships, she is so loving and compassionate but I know it hurts her when people don't acknowledge her dedication. I suppose one of the reasons I'm like this is because she was my main role model when I was growing up. I am working on becoming more self-reliant, and not taking it too personally, but the truth is, it hurts.

Give yourself some time to adjust to your new living arrangements. Try to make some space for you, rather than just you-as-supporter-to-my-man.

Thanks @Purplemunchkin - yes, you are right - we both need time to adjust. We have been more or less living together for about 4 months, and now that I think about it, this is about the length of time that he has been going through a "bad patch". Perhaps it will just take a long time for him to get used to living with someone - after all, he has never lived with a girlfriend before in his life, so this must be a huge adjustment for him, and on top of that fact that he is struggling at the moment. And yes, I also need to give myself some time to get used to how life is with him.

I am starting to feel really down since our big blowup last weekend. I am trying to be less "clingy" with him, but it's just making me feel depressed to be so hands-off with him. I hope we can find a balance that works for both of us, sometime soon. I am trying to hang in there until my appointment with the veterans counselling service on Tuesday. I hope they will have some useful suggestions.

 

[Friday]

Is my anxiety disorder to blame - is this simply how all people with anxiety feel? Or is it something fundamentally wrong with my view of the world, and my place in it?

Let's go with whichever one allows room for change :D

More to the point, how do I change things around?

From personal experience; boundaries. Mine tend to break down over time with certain people. My parents, for example, are lovely people. Love them dearly. But I can only be all of myself for a few months -max! Sometimes only hours- before I start dropping into old schemas, and the weight of their personality (joint and individual) starts crushing mine. My entire family is pretty boundary free, so that leaves it 100% up to me to maintain my own integrity. Easy for short periods of time, increasingly heavy over longer periods of time.

Most people, though, I don't trust them enough to let them influence me. Either in a good way or in an overly influenced crap for boundaries way ;)

 

[Wastinglight]

Very insightful as always @FridayJones, thank you!

Let's go with whichever one allows room for change

Well said. I will try to think of it in that way.

before I start dropping into old schemas, and the weight of their personality (joint and individual) starts crushing mine

Yes, I know how this feels. Which is why I am trying to work on finding a good balance with my guy before our (slightly disfunctional) way of relating to each other becomes habit.

Even though I feel like I have been trying to work on this issues as a high priority the past few years, sometimes I wonder how much progress I've actually made. Possibly a lot, but some of my ingrained beliefs are proving very difficult to dismantle. Perhaps practice makes perfect, and I can't expect beliefs that I have held for more than 20 years to be "fixed" without a truckload of continued, conscious dedication towards replacing them with non-retarded beliefs - and maybe this does take more than a couple of years. I will keep trying, but all this "self-improvement" is very tiring.

 

[medley29]

@Wastinglight, I just stumbled across your post, and boy can I relate. I switch into a different mode when I'm with someone. I've never been able to explain it, but you pretty well summed it up.

 

[Wastinglight]

@Wastinglight, I just stumbled across your post, and boy can I relate. I switch into...

Cheers @medley29. Sadly my guy has just broken up with me. Heart is in a million pieces. Too late to turn things around with this one but I guess at least I get to be myself now :-)

 

[medley29]

Cheers @medley29. Sadly my guy has just broken up with me. Heart is in a million...

Bless your heart, honey. I'm so sorry. If you need to talk, my inbox is all yours.