Getting Help Again.

[Deleted member 43454]

After getting public intox, and disorderly conduct in another one of my wonderful black out episodes. I apparently went belligerent on the officer who was doing his job. It started with a rather unnecessary forceful handcuff that was almost like a sneak attack to me because it was a jolt that sent me into drunken rage ad-mist the confusion I was having of understanding where I was or wtf was going on. If he had a tranquilizer gun I'm sure he would of used it.

Veteran outreach program (kudos to those guys) came by and investigated into what had happened. Told me the arresting officer specifically called and stated that I, "may" have PTSD. They set me back up with appointments and what not for therapy. This time I'm just trying a therapist to give me pointers on how to get over social anxieties.

So it's been incredibly awkward. Basically going against everything I'm feeling again and putting myself in uncomfortable situations for periods of time to my choosing and gradually increasing time spent. I've notice I can socialize a little bit more even if its just a few words more rather then the usual. I think hearing people tell me shit in the past like, "You look grey inside." and little things like that added up over the years. To the point where it felt that everybody could sense that I was f*cked up just by looking at me.

In general its hard for me to follow conversation. My mind is just all over the place. So I started thinking something internally anytime I recognized a trigger, "Small mind, big heart." I think I just like the comfort in thinking small mind rather then holy f*ck I just spaced out driving again. The road brings heavy triggers for me.

I still drive convoy distance behind anybody on the road, plus its just rude to ride somebodies ass. The person behind me in the rear view might very well be somebody out to get me. The usual hyper-vigilance. But when I tell myself this I am able to catch myself, control my breathing, and focus on just how awesome the scenery is.

For me it's a balancing act of catching myself thinking in the past and correcting to the present.
Everything is far from sunshine and rainbows but at least a few days outa the week are enjoyable.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

I learned long ago that college bars and biker bars were off limits to me. Even after all these years I can't go near them. There are triggers there, some of which I don't even recognize.

It's part of recognizing the limitations that post traumatic stess created, and I have to live with those limitations, or face the consequenses that I know will result.

So, can I live without college bars. Absolutly! The world is full of many things that make my life worth while. That's where my focus must be.

SD

 

[LIllabeth]

I was at a meeting today to discuss issues pertaining to mental health in our forces (it is mental health awareness week here) and you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a general officer or politician. Only one person there knew about my PTSD / depression / panic anxiety disorder. My 'trigger' event did not involve anyone dying, in fact we actually saved someone's life, but one speaker started - out of the blue - describing the smell of dead people, something I know from personal overseas experience. I had to grip my chair to ground myself to keep from running off because all of a sudden I too could smell it. I looked around the room and it was fairly obvious I was not the only one remembering and reacting. Honestly, I don't think half of the military in the room heard anything else the speaker said and he spoke for at least another five minutes and very few knew how to resettle / ground themselves.

All that to say that everyone who wears a uniform will have some triggers, intrusive thoughts and hang ups, even if they don't have PTSD. You might add or remove triggers over time. I applaud you for your coping strategy - that is obviously working for you and is a great one! I might try using "Small mind, big heart" myself, and will whisper it at the next upset general I see :)

 

[Spock]

Sometimes just seeing a General pisses me off ;) or more the "staff" pukes around them that blindly kiss ass

 

[Spock]

Good stuff Doc, baby steps. I agree it is about dealing with each challenge one small part at a time, at least at first until you minimize them and retrain the brain. If it was easy none of us would be here bitching about it. It is about learning to live with it and trying to stay in front of the next shit storm.