Goes Back Further Than I Thought

[desiderata310]

This morning I was on the phone with my best friend when I wound up in a very (for me) upsetting situation. I don't usually drive to work but today I just COULDN'T deal with being on the bike so I had to deal with the parking structure. The moment I parked I went from calm and happily chatting with him to completely freaked out and in the midst of an ugly panic attack due to the number of cars and noise etc.

I managed to push through and get OUT and to my office. As I was coming back down to normal, I wailed at him, "I wasn't always like this was I? I wasn't like this five years ago!!"

"Actually, Desi, you were."

say what?

Turns out that I was like this but it wasn't as severe. He sited when we had gone to a conference for work and had taken in a concert: TV on the Radio (the last concert I attended)

"Remember how freaked out you were? You sat as far back from the crowd and watched most of the concert from while I went out and got in the mosh pit. You did really well because you came over to the edge of it but yeah, you didn't do well with crowds even then. "

I almost missed a day of the conference the next day because I was strung out from being out in public. I guess I just remember things differently but I remember being much more able to deal with stuff. Actually, now that I think about it, I remember being overwhelmed by the conference. Opting to sit in the very back of the rooms, having trouble dealing with the show floor, etc.

It's a stark reminder that I've actually been dealing with PTSD a lot longer than I thought. I had simply hit rock bottom before I sought help...or what I thought was rock bottom.. I keep finding that it goes a lot deeper at times.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

IMHO as PTSD is an injury to both the concious and subconcious mind's, when the unconcious mind wants to deal with a traumatic event in the past it will pop a memory into the concious mind for us to process, if we are caught unawares when this happens the endorphine levels in the brain fire too rapidly.

I send :hug:s

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It took me so many years when I finally realized that I needed a lot of help. So you are not alone. I was never functioning well at all. I always knew that something was wrong but I thought it was all me. Now I know better. You are not alone.

 

[Friday]

I had simply hit rock bottom before I sought help...or what I thought was rock bottom.. I keep finding that it goes a lot deeper at times.

Rock bottom's never bothered me. I've got a shovel. I can dig!

I should find a sign, though; Beware of Sinkholes.

It's a stark reminder that I've actually been dealing with PTSD a lot longer than I thought.

For true. I often use the numbers 92% normal & 8% symptomatic that I mostly put to work for me when I'm doing well (the whole orgasm of sanity quote)... But the more I learn how much I thought was just me is actually more... The more I'm comin to believe it's more like 82% normal, 10% clueless what was getting in my way, & 8% putting to work for me. Still, and all, I'd be overjoyed to get back to even half functional, much less mostly! ((I currently have the Mission Impossible soundtrack running though my head. And images self destructing messages tossed down sinkholes ;) ))