Going To Meet My Daughters Entire Family And Need Tips And Advise.

[Deleted member 12723]

I am very shy in groups. I am trying to make exit plans if I start to freak out. This will be the first time since before my husband died that I am going single. I always had my husband as my security blanket before and he supported me.

I will be on my own this time and I am feeling very anxious already, we will go over to their house on Saturday and I do not know yet how long we will be staying. The family is huge and really close knit.

I am trying to make plans to quietly give myself some exits in case it gets to be too much.

What has helped you to cope in a situation like this. My daughter is very serious with her boyfriend and I will be meeting my future in laws.

Thank you so much.

 

[intothelight]

Gizmo, Just be you as you are a gift and a pleasure to know even through as limited as this site. Let people talk and then listen and ask questions so they talk some more. Soon you will find common ground and then you'll find yourself both chatting. People are people and no one is any better than the other, we are just different.

I don't know, but meeting new people can be like walking into a room full of wrapped gifts. You don't know what you'll find inside and sometimes what you find can be priceless. :hug:

 

[Eleanor]

Pretend they are me? :) I would love it if you turned up an an in law of mine.

I agree with itl - focus on them and getting to know them and you won't have time to be nervous on your own behalf. Plus people almost always like it when someone is interested in them.

How/why have you freaked out in the past? What did your husband do that helped?

 

[darrenS]

lol the dreaded in-laws - i had the same situation in Australia last time i was there . my oldest daughter decided that her future in-laws should turn up to a family barbeque. I was beside myself and was struggling at the time with certain symptoms and reactions. I had one good drink...(quickly) waited for it to remove the anxiety a bit and went forward and kept in the back of my mind that as much as i wanted the best for my daughter , i myself was not marrying them and like all families im sure they had a good selection of skeletons - just relax and remember they will be just as nervous in many ways as you

 

[scout86]

Most people like talking about themselves and they like it when others show an interest in them. As has already been suggested, ask a few questions. Listen to the answers, follow up. I love the idea of looking at it as a room full of packages to be unwrapped.

Remember that these people WANT to like you. They already like your daughter, right? And you've met your future son-in-law? And do you like him? (I hope so!) Assuming that you do, remember that these people are his family and, if he's ok, they probably are too. You will be the guest, they will probably want to put you at ease, Let them do it.

I'd be delighted to have you in my family too! Just be your own sweet self and I think it will be fine.

Good luck and have fun!

 

[City Slicker]

Hey Gizmo,
It's ok to be shy in groups. I think people will also be aware that this is the first year without your husband and they will want you to feel relaxed and as at ease as you can be.

A few things I do is once I plan my exits (lol) is to visualize the event going beautifully - I spend a few moments sitting quietly where I can and picture feeling relaxed and 'grounded' as I meet the new people

I do this a few times before the event - breathing gently and visualizing being relaxed in the setting and even being relaxed when I hit an awkward part like maybe running out of things to say.

Visualizing helps with coaching athletes - we have them picture the entire event and have them move their bodies confidently. Sometimes I will just sit and visualize and move my body a bit in a relaxing way - it helps me indicate to my brain that this is what I want to happen during the event.

Creating a new 'normal' and knowing it's a new chapter in my life helps me to look forward rather than worrying about not being able to measure up to something or someone I used to be in the past.

You are going to be great. Exactly who you are.

 

[Intrepid]

Don't have advice right now. Thinking about being in your shoes puts a knot in my gut.

I used to be so damned shy I'd disappear if anyone noticed me.

Lately I have learned that people aren't looking for my flaws. They aren't searching for my inconsistencies or weaknesses. In fact, they can't see how I feel or what I think most of the time. I'm pretty safe. So I let my self be silent and shy, and if I'm around people who are friendly, who I can trust, I sometimes come out of it.

Good luck with your potential new family!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much everyone for your wonderful compliments, they gave me courage and a good reminder for me to be true to myself.

I really liked the suggestion to ask them questions and just listen. I can do that very well. I am a good listener and I am this way with my own friends. I have learned so much about them doing this.

I also loved the thought that they are like unwrapped gifts. I now have a more positive outlook on the entire thing.

You are right, I do love the boyfriend he is a really great guy. His family must be great as well. Thank you all so very much for everything you said to me.

 

[shell]

Gizmo, while it's understandable to be anxious, are you replaying the things you used to tell yourself? Be confident to be yourself, and whether that is shy, or confident that will be enough, just as it always been enough.

Maybe you could take something very small that has sentimental value that was your husbands, to remind you you aren't alone, and put it in a pocket so you can hold it to remind you that you are safe, if you feel the panic coming on. Loved ones are always with us because we carry them in our hearts.

Maybe one day you will see yourself the way that we do.

 

[Abrasky]

I would see it as an opportunity to connect with some friends. It is always nice to meet some new ones. Have someone call you for support half way through your meeting. You don't have to trust people straight away. You are allowed to fall back a bit about personal stuff until you know them better. :-)

 

[Recovery4Me]

Because of me being older, there is a generational custom of women bounding in the kitchen or care taking duties of some nature. I use this as a vehicle to "do" something and participate in a manner of sharing community. It slows the awkward chatter down and allows me to feel part of the event and get to know everyone.

As well, I bring my knitting, so I can focus on the rhythm, the present motion of my hands to slow down any building anxiety, in case the woman of the household "feels" uneasy with my offer of custom and my presence in her kitchen (but generally any help is well received).

I have found this to be an ice-breaker in most settings, letting my helpful hands talk for me and show my appreciation of being welcomed in their home. jmho on what works for me.

You will do fine Gizmo, who could not love you?:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Shell what a wonderful idea to take something small of Kennys with me. When Kenny and I used to go to gatherings we would stick by each other so we would always have someone to talk to.

I will think of it as a adventure and besides my daughter and the girls will be there as well.

I think I will offer to help out as well. I think that I have been so badly burnt by groups of people that my fears are normal for what I have been through. I do not have good memories of being with large groups of people and there is always a first time. Mabe this will be it.

They love my daughter and they want to meet me so I will hang onto that fact as a good sign.