Childhood Growing Up With Mother In Denial Helicopter Parent

[Baabaauknowtherest]

I was adopted at birth, and growing up from my perspective is hell. I am 24, and back with my parents because I chose to party and enjoy the party and life I thought i was always missing.

My mom worked with emotionally disturbed kids as a teacher- and she was heavier and had serious issues about it.
I had anger issues which I now found out I got from my birth father. And she would restrain me a lot like her kids at school, arms behind my back face on the floor and her sitting on top of me. I would scream and scream and she said not until you'd calm down. I'd get so angry that sometimes I'd fake it just to smack or hit her. I was maybe 7-13 for this. If I did that, she'd hit back or Come at me. My dad was always at "meetings" which at 16 I found out we're AA meetings- and I found out from a friend.

Anyways. She would come home and sit on the couch and shout orders from it. Get mad no one cleaned up or did dishes-but then when my dad did she'd pull all of them out and reward them because no one can do it right. Sometimes I'd feel guilty for hitting back because she's get scared.
I had a problem with lying for a long time- because if I got caught stealing cookies or for accidentally breaking something (whether it was important or not) she would SCREAM AT ME! Drag me to go clean it up! And maybe more.
I hated holidays I always cried. Every morning was mom and dad fighting. Dad would go get food and bring it home and if the order was wrong she wouldn't eat it and pout and throw a fit. If my room was messy and fought about cleaning it she one time threw EVERYTHING on the floor. She took away my doors for slamming it. My anger increased as I got older.

She would call me a witch. She wished she never adopted me and Es I said equally horrible things. She used to walk by and pull my hair. She had issues with everything I did. If I wasn't interested in things she thought I should shed get mad. Like when I liked punk rock.
She humiliated me before school I used to stuff my bra. And when I was walking out the door she ripped the socks out of my bra and I don't remember what was said but I felt so humiliated. When she found a dildo in my room as batteries were in my drawer she humiliated me by being passive aggressive about where all the batteries are going

Whenever I do anything touch anything to this DAY! It's stop you'll break it you make a mess your lazy your this. I did go to college but left due to an abusive boyfriend.

But I had issues on my own because growing up my mom did everything for me I remember one time I begged to get a job. She didn't trust me. And the ironic thing about trusting is that the "bad" I did was stealing cookies, then it was obsessing over Harry Potter, stuffing a bra,skipping swimming, seeing boyfriends when I wasn't allowed, drinking, coming home drunk smoking pot,


Until recently it was a boyfriend I met who was bad news, but I stayed because I could live there and his family had money but I got addicted to heroin

I'm sober I found my birth parents and I'm ready to move forward. But I'm angry about so much and I haven't even touched some of it I'm just so frustrated

I'm still treated the same like 16. Since 6th grade to 19 I spent my life trying to die I have 36 stitch marks on my left arm. I cut 8 tendons and a main artery my dad found me against a tree

I have a equally deep one on my thigh. I was pushed into being "an alcoholic" at 19, just because I was drinking but in my opinion my problem was my emotions and being forced to do shit I didn't want and fail at! She pushed me into cosmetology school and I hated it! I don't even get along with girls! My last friend was in fourth grade. And I wasn't allowed to have friends or at least hangout if parents weren't there...and at 14,15 that's what you DID! And my friends weren't drinking then they were just going out to eat and stuff!

I try to forgive her. But she gets so mad if I don't do what she wants! I have nowhere else to go, and I want to be with my dad because he is not healthy and he almost died. She watches lifetime and hallmark movies all day and she looks at other girls face books and thinks I'm such a LOSER ! And I feel like one! I have no friends I've never held a real job I have weird parents and i feel like I ruined everyone's life because I wasted money trying to die I wasted money with all my stupid shit I got myself into! I wasted money with my drug addiction! And okay the addiction is my fault but when I was younger I had no concept of money! I never earned it! And whenever I was given money for anything I handed it right to my parents and they put it in my bank. But I never got that money because it was used to fix my car, or for whatever I broke and ruined I don't KNOW! But it's not fair I am so angry for so much idk if I can forget! And it's especially hard when she acts the same. Like I'm some idiot who can't do anything and everything I touch breaks

Yeah I made bad choices!!!! I wanted to HANGOUT WITH FRIENDS! I wanted sleepovers! Not swim meets 24/7! I wanted to not have the parents that always yelled at me or hit me or yelled in public I didn't want to be the kid whose parents called someone's parents and got them in trouble for having people over!

 

[Kintsugi]

Welcome to the forum.

I also was adopted at birth and have an emotionally abusive mother who is a helicopter parent in denial, although admittedly my mother was more stable than yours, I think, especially nowadays (though still in denial and still extremely controlling if given the opportunity).

I relate deeply to your issue of dishonesty relative to fear of disproportionate repercussions. I had such an incident just today over something stupid; I will lie over the tiniest of things because of the overwhelming fear I experience when I mess up.

In terms of the not having a job thing, it sounds like your mother has always just been a serious control freak. I am inclined to doubt that she ever worried you were too inept to work. Rather, I think the independence a job would have given you threatened her control over you.

I hope you find this resource helpful as you try to learn and heal. I wonder if you've ever looked into stuff about growing up with a narcissistic parent? I don't know that your mother was a narcissist, but I think some of the controlling features of your relationship with her mimic some of the issues faced by those who grew up with narcissistic parents.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am going to take a wild guess and say that your adoptive parents were religious?

For the record, you do not inherit anger issues. If you have anger issues, then it is due to how you were raised and understandably so. Your adoptive mother has severe co-dependancy issues. You need to set boundaries with her hard and fast.

Sounds to me like you were more well behaved than most kids, but were never taught proper coping skills so you turned to unhealthy coping methods. And given what your adoptive mom did to your self-esteem, no wonder you gravitated towards an abusive relationship.

 

[Chava]

Many things could start to smooth over if you could get out of her house. Take whatever job you can, find a roommate, whatever...or start planning that way. She can't make you feel like a loser if you find a way to get your own space and then you can be in contact with her on your terms. I moved hundreds of miles away from my family. It's been wonderful.