Had My First Flashbacks (csa) Shocker, Here's What I've Learned So Far

[Powder]

Warning for those with triggers of child rape, maybe don't read, okay?

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I had auditory FB during normal sex with my H. This was the first and only so far. After a week of getting by on two hours of crashed out sleep and horrible pain (Body Memories) and a frightened 5 year old inside me taking over and making me paranoid, I had to get to the ER one night at 10:30 pm because I just couldn't take the pounding heart and emotions/anxiety any more. To make it stop, I thought of jumping off the roof. At that second, I took back my self-control and said "enough's enough" and drove myself to the ER for Lorazapan. Turned out needed Clonidine also at follow up for the pounding heart when lying awake in bed. A half dose of each is enough to get me through the worst of the fallout after the discovery of being molested or raped at age 5 by a CG, which is what the FB reavealed.

Two weeks into meds and therapy, I confronted. He denied. I have some very angry relatives trying to attack my sanity, calling me psychotic, denying that I ever even had PTSD, which I have been diagnosed with for over 13 years, and which was unquestioned until this. They can't believe he did it.

Link Removed

I hope I put the link in here correctly. I read the instructions but don't get the technical aspects, so Anthony or Moderators, please help me fix it if I did it wrong. But this site neatly sums up what I went through up until now.

My whole life, I have done the rocking from side to side just to get to sleep.

Please respond if you have had similar. Need support, under fire.

MUSE

 

[Tosh]

It's not about what everyone "thinks" about you, it's about what you know in your heart to be true. You know what happened and that's all that matters. Let them think what they want, just keep the focus on you, and work through this for you, the rest should work itself out. Live and Let Live. NOONE wants to believe someone they love did such a cruel thing, it's normal that he/they will deny it. Just keep moving and take care of yourself.

 

[angel2write]

Muse (HUG),

You and I have very similar stories. And I have had multiple flashbacks in bed with my husband. Kind of the same situation.

I'm really surprised they let you confront two weeks into therapy! That was a pretty big step to take- I mean, I doubt you were even stable yet. No wonder you're reeling from the backlash.

Hope you're in a safe place, with someone safe to listen and help and hold you.
Angel

 

[Powder]

Hi Angel,

Yes, I think maybe two weeks was too soon. But I didn't wait for my counselor to give me a green light. With Easter and other events coming up, I also didn't want the additional burden of having to keep coming up with excuses for us. The more I did that, the more I got contacted, and I wanted the contacting to slow down or stop.

I have my husband, mother in law, work (not support, but I like it there) and my counselor. I also have a new psychiatrist who is a woman and reputedly the best in town, especially for trauma, who I will see on 4-25. I am hoping for some ideas from her.

My Dad, the man I accused, has for years denied previous accusations of more minor things, such as spanking with panties down, etc. So I am not at all surprised that the more serious allegation is also deniable. He is a missionary and medical professional, so you know, reputable and powerful in his own right.

As Tosh explained, that is my stance: I tried presenting "my case" to my Mom, who initially took me seriously, but after talking with him, quickly moved to discredit all my points. Of course. So I let her know I no longer want contact with her either because I don't have room in my life for people who have made a life-long pattern of double talk, "You are brilliant," and "You don't know what you're talking about/don't remember correctly."

My sister's current theory is that I was abducted by aliens from outer space and sexually experimented on, and that is how I got the FB.

My question is, Am I going to be having more FB's? And will they always be accomanied by painful body memories and anxiety? Will my terrified five-year-old always try to take over and freak me out?

At least the initial revelatory shock is over, and I do have anxiety meds to take if it happens again.

Some have said that the Flashbacks tend to cluster, and once you get one, more are coming. Does anyone disagree or have a theory on this? Do you think this is because the mind wants to heal, and release some of the trauma memory fragments during healing? I am looking for physical/biological/neurological theories as well as psychological possibilities of the phenomenon of flashbacks.

Thank you anyone who can shed some light on this; it's scary to have it happen and not have time to research it.

My H is supportive. I feel loved.

Thank you both for your replies. It helps.

Muse

 

[angel2write]

Muse,

Have you tried reading any of the articles on the site yet? Since you seem such a thoughtful person, I expect you have. But if you haven't yet, there's a wealth of information in there on nearly every aspect of the disease.

My very uninformed guess would be yes, you are probably going to have more flashbacks. And you may find that the more you think and write and talk about what you experienced in the flashback the more things you are going to remember about surrounding events. It's like unearthing new memory chains. Each memory you uproot is attached to a couple more that get pulled up, too. And the more you dig around, the more you remember and understand about yourself.

It's a painful process, but the silver lining in this cloud is that the more you talk about the stuff, the less it hurts. So you have to fight yourself. I have an urge to bury all my feelings and not think. But letting the feelings out and thinking about it reduces the pain and anxiety OVER TIME. It does make it worse right at first, of course.

 

[Heather]

Hi Muse -

I went through this exact same thing. I can't say if this will happen to you BUT this is what my experience was. When I had my very first fb I was 18 y/o. I was flooded with f.b. and nightmares for about 9 months. It was as if once I had that initial f.b. the gate had been opened and all hell had broken loose. I was an emotional mess for months too. I was suicidal and all I did was cry and cr and cry. I hope this doesn't upset you.....Like I said this is what I EXPERIENCED.

I confronted my father and ofcourse he denied it too. No one in my family believed either. They all thought I was saying it to get attention. Although no one accused me of being abducting my aliens....although the people in my family have no imagination:p they're just plain mean.

 

[Powder]

Thank you Heather and Angel,

I am surprised I am not more depressed. That is one thing that I never would expect, but maybe I'm too busy to notice. I work a pretty involved job/career field and have two little kids at home and hubby in college. Whew. They are what I have always wanted in life, so I am very content with my own family and have worked very hard for them to be happy, which is my joy in life to do. :) But now I must learn to work on my own joy and happiness, something more difficult with a lot of repressed trauma and pain. As you said, unearthing it is laborsome but must be done now, and it will be messy for a while. But in the end, it will be much better to be me. :rolleyes:
However, to my old family, they can go live with the :alien:'s and :devilish:'s they believe in and blame for everything. ;)

Wow, I am trying out more smiley faces, hmmmm. Anyway, I guess I'm hoping I can do all the juggling I have to do and still somehow make time for healing and journaling and such. Thank you both for your thoughtful replies. Now, I'll hunt down those articles on the site. I read one, but need to find the rest.

Much Love, Muse