Has To Have Approval

[alixipain]

I can’t just lay in bed with a woman and let things flow as they should, I have to have approval to be intimate with her. A simple kiss or allowing me to touch her intimately is not enough; I have to be told its ok to make love to her.

I have to have PERMISSION!

Eighteen years of 24/7 sexual abuse has done this to me. At least that’s what I believe. Many times I want to be intimate with her but I can’t let it go.

She gets upset with me about it. We haven’t had intimate moments for over 3 months now, I wonder if it’s because she’s frustrated at me because of it. She tells me that she can’t stand to be alone anymore and that she’s moving on.

To me it’s the same record playing over and over in my head and my relationships, I’m not enough of a MAN for them, because I’m a “lil boy” that requires PERMISSION! I hate it! Absolutely hate it! Sometimes I wonder why I even try to be intimate with someone because it always goes the same way.

I can’t function normally like a male, I don’t get aroused to a woman that is naked, and she has to be undressed by me to arouse me. Then when I’m ready to have intimate moments it has to be slow, not much touching with hands. I feel guilty a lot because I’m not like other MEN, I consider myself not a MAN a lot because of it. Then they get me into bed to prove I’m a man then that’s it, no more thereafter. I don’t know what’s worse believing and feeling guilty that I’m not a MAN or getting aroused into intimacy then nothing there after!

It makes me want to have a sex change! That or chop this f*cking thing off! That way I don’t have to contend with that intimacy problem and I don’t have to deal with women!

 

[Lucycat]

Alixipain, chopping it off wont help!
I don't have one, - yeah I'm female- but I absolutely understand what you are saying.

Sex is so difficult, and it is not fair that everywhere - on TV etc- it is so easy and normal and nobody seems to be giving it a second thought. Just getting on with the act. For us our heads take charge and thoughts spin round stopping it from being spontaneous and enjoyable.

I have spent a lot of time feeling that I am not a 'real' woman. Infertility added to that problem. My body does not work as it should, and it sure as hell does not respond as it should in intimate situations. But I believe it is worth fighting for.

 

[SadBunny]

i agree with Brucielucy chopping it off wont help. I am a female but i also dont feel like a "real" woman. But then again what is a real woman or a real man? We go through things that have effects on us its not our fault. The media tells us what we should be and how we sould act. Its not up to them at all. I understand the feeling of not feeling "real" but its not that your not. No one person is the same in the whole world. No one person acts the same in public in private or in intimate situations. Nothing is as difficult as sex, its true. Even for people who dont have to deal with nearly half of the problems we do. I guess what i'm getting at is that there isnt anything wrong with you. You are normal your just faced with something hard to deal with. So you get around friends, people that you can talk to about frustraitions and feelings. There is more to being a man then being in the bed. I think it would be helpful if you stopped defining a man by proformance and define him by character. I don't know if this help you feel better or anything but never give up.

 

[WonderingWhy]

I agree. People have a variety of strengths and weaknesses. Practice may improve ones abilities. Character however is the most important and within our control. That's what counts! (IMHO)

 

[leanne1321]

Hi Alixipain,

I can understand why you need permission as it's usually the man who takes the dominant role. I agree that sex can be difficult and at times very daunting, especially for people who've had bad sexual experiences. However, it can be enjoyable and a huge part of intimacy.

I think for people like us, sex has a different meaning, it opens us up and shows a side of us that feels very vulnerable (with the risk of causing flashbacks and such). Unfortunately, for most people, confidence is a turn on, and by asking permission, you are lacking that.

There are things that women do to consent without having to say it. Maybe it might be worth getting used to reading these signs. Take it slow, work on the foreplay. If it's clear that they are enjoying it, you can step it up a notch, until you get there. If she show's any sign of being uncomfortable, take it back a step.

I hope that helps.

 

[Lionheart]

Sounds to me like you are dedicated to having informed consent and not hurting your partner. That may not be "normal" but I think it is a good thing. Having experienced years of sexual abuse myself, I once went through the inferiority of believing that I was not man enough. I was wrong. There is a book that helped me, not only did it help me to realize the damage the abuse caused, but it helped me to find a way to feel normal again. It also has exercises for partners who have been abused to help allow sex to be a fun and natural thing, it is called, "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz, you may want to check it out.

 

[alixipain]

Thank you I will.