Having A Bad Day...

[CourageofSnow]

I have been having suicidal thoughts for the last few weeks. I want this to end. I have been feeling depressed and am unable to perform basic tasks.

Having a shower, cooking a meal, helping my kids with homework these are all tasks that are simply overwhelming. I have been feeling selfish and lazy as this is affecting everyone. I feel like a burden to everyone.

I have been disassociating at work, having flashbacks and constant nightmares. Some days I go into work and I am sent home a couple of hours later as I am not coping.

I wonder how do you push past these thoughts? I have tried positive affirmations, but in the moments when one negative thought comes through, it is like a dam has burst and all the self-hatred and negativity comes through. I have tried self-soothing, and grounding techniques. I have been told to be gentle on myself but I am not sure how. I know I have to battle through this but right now I am struggling to lift my arms as I am weary.

I have had enough. I am tired of my own head, I am tired of feeling guilty, ashamed, scared, angry and isolated. I am tired of being a burden to everyone. I am tired of apologising to everyone for something that was not my fault, but has affected everyone around me.

 

[a3a2]

Hi, Courage,

I am sorry you are going through such a rough patch. I can relate. I am wondering if you have seen your doctor about this. If it has been going on for a long time, you may have to deal with the chemical imbalance. I am also wondering if you are getting therapy so you can process these intrusive thoughts. It is also helpful to write them out, I have found. Several times, if necessary, so you can let them go. For me, physically writing them (not typing them) is better. I have found after I do this a few times I can actually let it go.

It sounds as though you have a lot of reasons to fight this. I am glad you are here, so we can help you through it.

 

[CourageofSnow]

Thank you a3a2.

I have been on antidepressants for over 12 years and recently my Dr upped the levels. She also put me on sleeping tablets. I am now back in therapy. I was diagnosed with PTSD 12 years ago and was up until recently doing well.

I haven't tried writing them out. I do tell my therapist, I had years of abuse so the intrusive thoughts are not always the same.

 

[ms spock]

It is really hard to be going through this experience CourageofSnow. I can also strongly relate. I just keep doing the things you talk about hoping to chip away at it all.

 

[jaydave]

I am telling you the following from personal experience. Do not think of yourself as selfish and lazy or a burden to everyone else. If anyone else tries to imply this to you; distance yourself from them as much as possible. You have an illness. If you had the flu, cancer or any other illness that prevented you from functioning normally would you be down on yourself like this? This is no different. You need to surround yourself with positive supportive people. Look for support groups in your area. Yes, I know this is all easier said than done. Believe me I've been through it. You are in my prayers. All the best to you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear CourageofSnow, I am sorry you are going through this, or any others are. :(

I was trying to think of what to suggest, but jaydave has actually hit the nail on the head. What he has said is the crux of it all, I think.

I can say I know what you speak of, had 2 non-stop years where I wanted to, or saw no other alternative, or couldn't stop myself almost. Definitely thought it best for everyone. Some things that I can think of (and they are fairly non-negotiable, even if right now they seem impossible to do) are that you have to tell someone (I have been told); to remember that feelings are not facts but may cue you back to beliefs you feel are facts. Make a Safety or Crisis Plan, even if it feels impossible. Pete Walker's 13 steps for dealing with emotional flashbacks helps me, there are also exercises in a book called "How I Stayed Alive While My Mind Was Trying to Kill Me" (I'm sorry I can't recall the author). I was even told to tell the thoughts when they come to "F Off" (and don't think further on them). And know that you are not crazy. Just overwhelmed and hurting. I would guess some thing specific set it in motion.

Also, do you have physical pain present? That can really contribute (pain fatigue). Possibly if you can reduce your stress at all, break things in to small increments, and keep something with you that helps (photos etc), it can and will pass. Sleep and try to eat. Be gentle with yourself by reducing stress and doing even the tiniest thing that helps, and try to stick with good/ gentle people.

But Jaydave is right, even though I always forget to think that myself and am the worst offender. Give yourself credit for each thing you accomplish, one meal, 2 hours at work. Turn only to people who understand not that run you down further, you don't deserve that and it will not help but harm.

Prayers and hugs too if that's ok. :hug:

 

[mamachick]

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been in the same place and not quite past yet, but getting a little better. I had to go back on anti depressants.

Dr told me that sometimes we become immune to the same medication, and even increasing the dose does not work. I agree with all the above, this is an illness, be good to yourself, and avoid anyone that blames you. Take baby steps. But also, please keep telling your dr or therapist how you are feeling. Share what you are thinking.

Most of us, when we have SI, we dont really want to die but we want to escape the symptoms that we are having and can think of no other way out. I also thing Jaydave and Junebug are correct. If you are isolating, try to reach out to someone that you trust. Please talk to your dr. though.
You are in my thoughts and prayers

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear CourageofSnow, hope it's ok that I came back to add, because as much as my post was well-meaning looking back if someone had given me all that information I'm not sure if that in itself would have felt too overwhelming. :(

So I asked myself, why or how did I make it? Well, much as I tried it came about through things I didn't control and certainly couldn't anticipate. Including (mostly) asking for help (actually more with the intent of being truthful also), and ultimately promising of my own volition not to do anything so that the other person wouldn't think about it again, and also wouldn't doubt themself/ their help if I did do it. Though on rare occassion I wasn't able or capable to remember I made a promise it still helped most times.

I agree with what brat said, first be honest with your Dr, next tell someone supportive if you can. You're doing great already if you can talk to your T. :) Your happiness and life and your family's happiness is precious. You can beat this, whether it's ptsd-related or bio-chemical. You shouldn't need to suffer without help, and your kids/ spouse/ family love you just as you are and need you. :hug:

 

[mamachick]

It is very hard to be honest with a professional or even close friend. If our blood sugar was dropping and we had symptoms, we would report. You are not alone here-but I know that doesnt help right now. When I have been there, it feels like I must be the only person who has experienced such misery.

Im so glad that you have shared here. I had a crappy psychiatrist once, and I told him I was feeling worse and he kept upping the dose of the same med. I went to my family dr. (who I have had for over 20 yrs and listens to me), he switched me. I was afraid-what if I got worse. I did not, I started feeling better. Whatever the reason is, I agree with Junebug, and its strength that allows us to lean on others when we need.

 

[GRANOLA]

Dear CourageofSnow, I know it feels as if its too big or too hard to get through, you have to ask people to help you. I'm new at the ptsd forum, the one thing I have noticed is that we were or are all in the same boat. Everyone is right this thing is too big to do it on your own. You need to tell someone exactly how you feel if you can. I had to and it saved me more than once. A week and a half ago I was in the same place you are, I told my husband to take me to the hospital and he did. My daughter and best friend met us there to try to help me through and they did.
Hang in there and be safe!

 

[CourageofSnow]

Thank you all for your kind words, hugs and prayers. In dark times your support is invaluable.

I told my husband yesterday and I told a work colleague who I trust today. I told my dr a few weeks back and she asked me did I have a plan.. The answer is no, but it still scares me that I am capable of having these thoughts.

I will tell my therapist when I next see her. I never thought that it could be the medication. I have been on the antidepressants for the last 10 years.

I have been feeling pain with flashbacks and for some reason I keep getting headaches..

I am waking up tired due to nightmares and I know that this is not good for the depression.

I had a better day today. I had a flashback this morning, and then I went for a walk. I have a golden retriever who gets to come into work with me, so I took him for a walk and was then able to get on with work..

When my head starts to get foggy I have a drink of water. When I start to feel unsafe I reach for a small toy that is on my desk or I press on my wooden necklace until I feel pain. These are my grounding techniques. Sometimes the fear passes and my head clears other times I need a quiet moment in a meeting room and I have to concentrate on my breathing. I even change my position from sitting to standing to help clear my head (not always successful as it sometimes makes me nauseous).

Sometimes nothing I do seems to work and the next thing I know I am somewhere else.

Thank you again for all your comments.

 

[ms spock]

I am so glad that you had a little respite today CourageofSnow.