Having A Hard Time After Last Sesssion

[Iam]

Usually about 2 days after my session I start to have a hard time. I don't understand why. Two weeks ago I had a GREAT week inbetween sessions. I guess maybe I got my hopes up that I had broken thru the toughest part of this crap.

As I posted earlier we did a role play at my last session where I was to break past the "rapist". I have been having a reallly, really hard time ever since. It was supposed to be empowering...so why am I feeling so depressed? The anxiety is back with such intensity that I feel like throwing up. I don't want to be around or talk to anyone. Which will not be possible as I am leaving to go camping with my adult children in a couple of hours. Maybe that is a good thing. Hopefully it will help.

I just came up from the barn where I have spent the morning getting my horses shoed. I enjoyed my time with my farrier. We always have great discussions. I noticed how sad I was getting while we were talking though. Now I am in this freaking dark hole.

Why? Nothing apart from therapy has happened to make me feel this way. I had a nice ride with a friend yesterday. Then another friend took me out to dinner last night. All good stuff.....What the HELL is wrong with me? This is ridiculous.

IDK maybe I am just anxious about my next session? He wants to do another "prayer healing" focusing on an event of my choosing that caused shame. I tried to look at my timeline to choose one. I just couldn't do it. I am supposed to know what I want to work on before Tuesday....don't think it is going to happen. Shame is probably the biggest issue I have. I wish I could just fade away right now. I really don't want to deal with this crap anymore.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and started praying about what trauma I should work on with my T next week. Anxiety was high (big surprise there huh?). Then I started having these flashes about my grandfather. I don't think anything bad ever happened with him. I just kept praying "no, no, Lord no" I was half asleep so I don't remember all of it, but it was obviously something that really upset me. New memories...again even though the flashes were relating to my grandfather I really don't think he ever did anything bad to me. I don't know what "memories" to trust. I feel more screwed up now than before I started therapy. I don't understand it. God I wish this stuff would just go away.

There was another thread that discussed people self diagnosing PTSD and that it is becoming an "in thing"...the latest fad diagnosis. How could anybody want to have this disorder? It SUCKS BIG TIME. It's like being on a rollercoaster in the dark. You never know when the next big drop is going to happen or what is going to set it off.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Bringing up and processing the shit, is difficult and you need to have good coping skills to deal with the aftermath. It takes time. Find something that calms you. Meditation, a warm bubble bath, relaxing music, whatever and try to focus on that and doing deep belly breathing, slow and steady.....It will get easier, but in the mean time you will get sick first....

 

[Iam]

Thanks She Cat. I probably shouldn't post when I am feeling that way. Thank God that state of mind is temporary. I need to remember that when it happens. Camping with my kids and grandkids lifted me right out of the dark hole I was in.

I've done CBT so I know that I need to change my thought patterns when I get like that and I know how to meditate. I don't understand why I don't use these skills when I get down. It's almost like I want to be there and that is just plain sick.

IDK..I've been in therapy 11 months now, it's insane how long it's taking. Although I have to admit, 11 months ago I was terrified of even starting to open this closet door. I was so afraid that the emotions would overwhelm me and that I'd fade away and never come back to reality. I have brought a lot of those dreaded skeletons out of my dark closet and am dealing with them one by one. That is good progress. Someday I will be done with this crappy process and will be free to live my life more fully. I look forward to that day and pray that I get there!

 

[Artista]

You WILL get there. I know it. :) Your path is similar to mine and I sooooo appreciate your posts. Your journey inspires me. I am proud of you!!!!!!

 

[gdf]

Hey Iam, I think what your feeling is "normal" for lack of a better word. She cat is right, it will get better but you will be sick for a while and miserable and terrified and frustrated. Hang with it, get it out there and once it is exposed to the light and the thoughts/dreams/flashbacks become words it will start to become clear and you will be able to breathe again.

 

[Iam]

Thanks Artista and Gina,

I asked my husband tonight if he'd like to talk with my T about all of this or anything. He said no, but that this is really hard on him. He never knows who he is going to come home to. It's true, my moods swing so severely. Almost makes feeling numb like I did more desirable. I guess the riding the rollercoaster is the cost to becoming a more whole and balance person. It makes me feel like I am worse...but I have to keep telling myself that I have made progress, that I can do this and it is worth doing this.

Thanks for all your support.....I know that you all realize what a help it is. Thank God I found this site and all of you!