Having Trauma From Life Experiences - Namely Instability And Poverty?

[le020]

When I was about 17 I moved in with a guy that I was engaged with, but he turned out to be an idiot who wanted me to stay at home whilst he partied and would not give me the promised marriage. When I broke up with him my traditional family rejected my moving back home because of honour.

My only choice was to move into an old dangerous house (I could see the sky through some parts of its ceiling) until I could move back onto my feet and live independently. I had only old clothes and felt depressed because none of my "friends" wanted to go out with me anymore because i was poor and feared becoming involved in this family issue.

However, strangely I have developed this unusual, and fierce protectiveness over my freedom and constantly fight with my current boyfriend over it as I cannot stand being confined or told how I should live. I have now achieved a Masters degree and have a professional career, and I invest so much into luxury items and shoes that its become a calming, but problematic addiction for me. I cannot bring myself to living with another partner of family of fear that things will repeat themselves!

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Hi Le,

Welcome to the forum, you will find much support here. You have an amazing story, to have gone through so much and to have come out the otherside with so much more - wow.

It sounds like you do something I do, which is called 'predictive worrying'. That is, we use our worries to try to predict the future. It occurs when we attribute something from 'inside' ourselves to someone else. We worry, even when there is no 'reasonable evidence' that those worries will occur at all. Be careful not to get yourself into a worry cycle, it can be very difficult to stop and is quite dangerous.

I think that you have already identified why you feel that your independence is under threat. But I have to ask, are your worries irrational? You have a Masters, a career and are obviously very successful and a survivor, where is the 'reasonable evidence' that the situation you experienced is likely to re-occur? I'd hazard a guess that it is quite unlikely as you have done so much to ensure your independence since your experience. Be honest with yourself.

 

[le020]

Thank you for the helpful feed back, it is much appreciated

I think that my worries are irrational. I push myself so far with studies and careers but I still do not feel that I am safe from those experiences I had in the past. Occasionally, I wake up in the night after a dream of that old house and all the past issues happening again, and Im usually covered in a sweat. I went to a doctor years ago and she diagnosed me with having generalised anxiety, although I did not fully explain to her the most serious parts of my problems. I seem on the outside a confident, calm and ambitious person but on the inside I am tearing my mind apart with my secret anxieties that may bring me down in the future with a crash. I do not feel comfortable with seeking the help of a therapist and prefer to go about things in an independent manner, but now I am starting to accept my faults without feeling shame and would prefer to talk with other people with traumatic experiences.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Le - hi,

Welcome to the forum! As PTSD Sufferer so perfectly explained, you are definitely a survivor who has found her strength within herself. More power to you! It also sounds like your strength has become a wall toward others. The wall can be good, but also become harmful, if you use it too much.

I had a similar problem and am slowly learning that not all people are threats. We are social creatures and need social contacts in order to live full lives. I am not there yet, but I am working towards my goal one ant step at a time. We are both similar in that we were able to take care of our education first and now we have to take care our emotional well-being.

I hope you find your path toward happiness and emotional well-being!