Relationship He’s ghosting me LDR

[Callmelola]

Long story short: We knew each other before his trauma as friends and then through his period of grieving that trauma he said I was the one who got him through it. Two years later we started dating LDR after he was doing a lot better. Then he went through another really prolonged traumatic situation that lead to him developing PTSD symptoms that also brought out the repressed trauma from the first event. Through all of it I was pretty much the one he relied on and the one closest to him, but through that he’s developed an idea that he’s hurting me and I deserve better and I just reassure him over and over that that’s not true and I love him. He went to therapy (he’s been officially diagnosed, had talk therapy combined with CBT) for a bit but stopped and while I’m trying to get him to seek help again if I push too hard he will completely shut down.

We have never gone for more than a day or two without talking through the last few years. There’s times where he does really badly and tells me he’s not doing well and disappears for a bit but he always checks in or sends texts just saying that and I give him his space.

Recently he’s gone through a lot of stress with life events that sent him into a downward spiral. He deleted his main social medias and kept just a few that aren’t really social but just more for posting things and a messaging platform that most of his friends are on. I can tell he’s really not ok right now.

The thing that is really different is that he is completely ignoring me right now. At first he was doing what he was doing and just talking less every few days, but then it turned into a week of radio silence. I sent him a message saying I understand he needs space and going through a lot and I love him, that I’ll be here when he wants to talk, just to please let me know he’s ok. He responded a few days later saying things are just a mess right now and disappeared again.

I know I should have left it but I got really anxious and after another couple of days I called him 3 times and he didn’t answer, and on the last time he ended the call as it rang within a second and never replied. After that I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to push but now I don’t know how to feel.

The thing is, I feel like I’m the only one he’s ignoring. He posted pictures on one of his accounts of him with his friends, he’s put up stories on the messaging platform, added music to his account, and just has been going out as frequently as he normally does sans replying to me.

I’m starting to feel really anxious because he’s never done this before. I still have dumb girl brain where a tiny part of me is thinking maybe that he feels he’s “put me through too much” and that emotional burden is going to make him leave, or find someone he has less “emotional baggage” with, or he’s just going to never come back. After reading so much I know they tend to isolate from the people closest to them when things are really bad but this has not been a pattern despite how bad things have gotten before. Idk, any input or insight would be nice

 

[Rose White]

Sometimes when I’m symptomatic I feel that I can’t be friends with anyone who knew me before or during my recovery because I relate to them in a codependent way. I feel like I want a fresh start.

And sometimes people who are “always there for me” set off alarm bells of being clingy. I feel like I’m hurting them because I can’t be there for them the way they seem to want or need me to be. I don’t want the responsibility of hurting them on top of figuring out how to cope with my symptoms so it’s easier to move on.

 

[sophie_cs]

Hi there, I'm in a similar situation as you right now. Therefore, I was wondering what happened afterwards?

 

[Annie1123]

Sometimes, setting a boundary for yourself can be protective, such as "I am going to wait x amount of time before I try reaching out again." During longer periods of unresponsiveness, I've even done things like, I will not contact more than x times in one day when there is no response. It helps to protect me from getting to a place where I feel "desperate" or "out of control" - or just feeling like my anxiety is trying to drive the bus and tell me what to do.

Other times, you might find some comfort in setting a boundary of "if he doesn't resurface after x amount of time has passed, then I give myself permission to [detach / move on / imagine he's on an expedition on the other side of the planet, etc.] If he decides he wants to talk after that amount of time, fine - you get to decide how you want to proceed when you get to that point.

It is also an act of self-love to self-validate how you want to be treated by someone you love, and to speak up at a future time to share how you care about him and want to know what he needs and also share what your basic needs are too.