Klarity Belle
New Here
:smile:Hi, I'm Klarity Belle.
I came across a link to this forum while cruising around the web and decided to join.
A little about my history, I had a traumatic childhood, I lost my beloved dad when I was just 7 and was raised by a very cold and neglectful mother, my older half brother was an abusive alcoholic. I had a close relationship with my paternal grandmother who I saw during summer visits and she was a nurturing influence in my life but sadly she died when I was 16. I nursed my mother through her battle with cancer and she died when I was 22. I felt very alone in the world at that point and joined a spiritual organisation to take refuge from the world, sadly I was bullied and emotionally abused there by a very bossy and controlling superior. I left the organisation when I was 28 to try my hand at a 'normal' life.
I have two lovely daughters, unfortunately with a very narcissistic man who I now co-parent with. He is currently displaying some of his more self-gratifying and selfish behaviours and my daughters have been hurt by him emotionally. I am having to be very strong to protect them and set firm boundaries with him, my youngest D11 is refusing to see him at all and my eldest D12 is seeing him twice a week. Unfortunately since this recent trauma I have noticed my PTSD symptoms have worsened though I would say I live with them constantly to a lesser degree when everything in my life is running smoothly. I used to think I was just a chronic depressive or worse a lazy waste of space but I have learned enough through taking steps in my own recovery to know that that isn't it, neither am I co-dependent (which I also believed for a while) though I have had problems with boundary setting in the past.
I want to be involved in an active fulfilled life but my symptoms prevent me from doing so for any length of time. It is only recently I have been researching PTSD and CPTSD symptoms and can see myself so clearly in the descriptions especially CPTSD. Recently, my memory is seriously impaired, I am forgetful and lose things especially keys and sunglasses! I missed a flight with my girls just after Christmas and this mistake cost me £400 in new flights. I dissociate a lot and find every day tasks a burden to carry out, even small things. I am exhausted all the time and feel like I run on adrenaline.
Often I am flashed back emotionally to the lost, helpless little girl - The '4f's' article by Pete Walker makes total sense to me - I use the freeze and fawn defenses a lot! Sadly my 5 year old God daughter has leukemia, her mum is my best friend and I so want to be the strong support she needs to have around right now. I have strong feelings of hate towards the father of my girls for the distress he causes them and me through them, I've just come through a couple of really bad days where I felt hopeless and trapped in black despair - the lost little girl again, I am trying so hard to be kinder and patient with myself.
Reading that back sounds like I'm after a pity party, I'm not! Therapy is helping me to work on accepting what has happened in my life and I am under no illusions that everyone suffers, it is part of being human. I do believe that childhood trauma has a deep impact on the developing brain and I have become a bit kinder to myself recently as my knowledge of ptsd has grown. what I really want to do now is get a good handle on how to reduce my PTSD symptoms and get on with living and loving the life I have left. I am 45 this year and know that life is precious not something just to be survived. My daughters are a blessing to me but I would like to be more fully present in my own skin so that we can enjoy many special family moments together.
I have been in therapy with a Jungian Analyst for a year now, I am very fortunate that she is understanding of me and I can see that she treats me with a lot of gentleness, she learned quickly that a direct approach only distressed me and caused me to withdraw from her. I have begun to trust her and take great comfort from our therapeutic relationship - the down side is the high cost and it is difficult to cover myself for one session a week. Id see her every day if I could! I think I will be in therapy for a long time. Around 14 months ago I joined an online support group called Out of the Fog, for folk who have been in relationships with or related to people with personality disorders, I am an active member there and ptsd is often discussed on the board.
Thankfully I have found there is an EMDR therapist in my small community and I have managed to get a referral to her. I am really hoping that by working with some of the traumas from my early life and the triggers that are around me today that I can reduce my symptoms somewhat. I look forward to learning more from other sufferers here and more about the condition too.
Kind regards, KB
I came across a link to this forum while cruising around the web and decided to join.
A little about my history, I had a traumatic childhood, I lost my beloved dad when I was just 7 and was raised by a very cold and neglectful mother, my older half brother was an abusive alcoholic. I had a close relationship with my paternal grandmother who I saw during summer visits and she was a nurturing influence in my life but sadly she died when I was 16. I nursed my mother through her battle with cancer and she died when I was 22. I felt very alone in the world at that point and joined a spiritual organisation to take refuge from the world, sadly I was bullied and emotionally abused there by a very bossy and controlling superior. I left the organisation when I was 28 to try my hand at a 'normal' life.
I have two lovely daughters, unfortunately with a very narcissistic man who I now co-parent with. He is currently displaying some of his more self-gratifying and selfish behaviours and my daughters have been hurt by him emotionally. I am having to be very strong to protect them and set firm boundaries with him, my youngest D11 is refusing to see him at all and my eldest D12 is seeing him twice a week. Unfortunately since this recent trauma I have noticed my PTSD symptoms have worsened though I would say I live with them constantly to a lesser degree when everything in my life is running smoothly. I used to think I was just a chronic depressive or worse a lazy waste of space but I have learned enough through taking steps in my own recovery to know that that isn't it, neither am I co-dependent (which I also believed for a while) though I have had problems with boundary setting in the past.
I want to be involved in an active fulfilled life but my symptoms prevent me from doing so for any length of time. It is only recently I have been researching PTSD and CPTSD symptoms and can see myself so clearly in the descriptions especially CPTSD. Recently, my memory is seriously impaired, I am forgetful and lose things especially keys and sunglasses! I missed a flight with my girls just after Christmas and this mistake cost me £400 in new flights. I dissociate a lot and find every day tasks a burden to carry out, even small things. I am exhausted all the time and feel like I run on adrenaline.
Often I am flashed back emotionally to the lost, helpless little girl - The '4f's' article by Pete Walker makes total sense to me - I use the freeze and fawn defenses a lot! Sadly my 5 year old God daughter has leukemia, her mum is my best friend and I so want to be the strong support she needs to have around right now. I have strong feelings of hate towards the father of my girls for the distress he causes them and me through them, I've just come through a couple of really bad days where I felt hopeless and trapped in black despair - the lost little girl again, I am trying so hard to be kinder and patient with myself.
Reading that back sounds like I'm after a pity party, I'm not! Therapy is helping me to work on accepting what has happened in my life and I am under no illusions that everyone suffers, it is part of being human. I do believe that childhood trauma has a deep impact on the developing brain and I have become a bit kinder to myself recently as my knowledge of ptsd has grown. what I really want to do now is get a good handle on how to reduce my PTSD symptoms and get on with living and loving the life I have left. I am 45 this year and know that life is precious not something just to be survived. My daughters are a blessing to me but I would like to be more fully present in my own skin so that we can enjoy many special family moments together.
I have been in therapy with a Jungian Analyst for a year now, I am very fortunate that she is understanding of me and I can see that she treats me with a lot of gentleness, she learned quickly that a direct approach only distressed me and caused me to withdraw from her. I have begun to trust her and take great comfort from our therapeutic relationship - the down side is the high cost and it is difficult to cover myself for one session a week. Id see her every day if I could! I think I will be in therapy for a long time. Around 14 months ago I joined an online support group called Out of the Fog, for folk who have been in relationships with or related to people with personality disorders, I am an active member there and ptsd is often discussed on the board.
Thankfully I have found there is an EMDR therapist in my small community and I have managed to get a referral to her. I am really hoping that by working with some of the traumas from my early life and the triggers that are around me today that I can reduce my symptoms somewhat. I look forward to learning more from other sufferers here and more about the condition too.
Kind regards, KB
