Relationship Help! Advice Needed On How To Cope With Partner's Ptsd

[Iwillnotgiveup]

Hello everyone,

I'm reaching out for help because I need some support and advice on how to cope with my partner's PTSD.

I'm not a native english speaker, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes. Also, I have to explain the situation in detail, so you can understand all aspects of it and how it all affects our relationship. I'm very sorry for the thread being long because of that, but I hope you will understand.

I don't know where to start,because the situation that we're in is kinda complicated on it's own, even without the PTSD. I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 44. We've known each other for 2 years now, and this summer, we spent a lot of time together and developed incredibly strong feelings for each other. We have many things in common, we share same life goals and opinions and generally get along great in spite of the large age difference and generation gap. We just "clicked". I do understand that many of you will be judgemental about that, but it's just the way it is. You don't get to pick who you fall in love into. In my defence, I've always felt older than I am and I am much more mature than my peers. Also, I am pretty much conservative about relationships, and I do not take all this lightly. I understand what am I getting myself into and how our relationship will be like if we do take it where we would both like it to go. I'm doing a lot of research on PTSD and this forum has been very helpful for me since I'm trying to understand his problems better and be supportive as much as I can.

He got his PTSD as a soldier in wars that happened on the Balkans in the '90s. Now he works as a private security contractor in Afghanistan, currently deployed in Kabul. We are both from Serbia, a small country in Eastern Europe. In our country, there's very little support for veterans of recent wars and the government doesn't really care about them after they've did their duty. They basically exploited them for their causes and then discarded them as trash. There is almost no awareness about PTSD here, and nobody really knows what these men who defended their country really went through and what kind of toll that took on them. My BF has never even officially been diagnosed with PTSD, he was only given medication (Tritico - has mild antidepressive effect and helps him sleep) and dismissed. People with PTSD are here often considered "damaged", "wackos" or labeled "crazy" and that is very sad and discouraging. It's like everyone just gave up on them, in most cases even friends and family, and they are left to cope with it alone. Domestic violence is very common and most veterans end up commiting suicide.

Luckily, my boyfriend has never been wounded or hurt in any war, and being very resourceful and intelligent, he proceded to build his career in security business since the wars interrupted his university education, resulting in him never getting a degree so he can lead a civilian life. He is now happy about his professional life and achievements and has no regrets in that segment of his life. He eventually grew to love his job and that's not a thing that many people can say for themselves.

He had one marriage without children (7 years) that ended in divorce 5 years ago. Also, he was physically abused by his father in childhood (not sexually). He has one son, who is only a year younger than me and with whom he is more like friends than they have a father-son relationship. That is due to the fact he didn't know he existed until the kid turned 18. His son fully supports our relationship, so there is no problem there. He also has friends that he can talk to and is a very sociable person, not timid or inhibited in any kind of way, so that is also not a problem.

Since his horrible experience with his divorce (his ex was completely unaware of his PTSD, unsupportive and scorning about it) he had no emotional involvement with women, he just had sexual relationships. He emotionally closed himself completely and thinks he's better off alone, in a cocoon that he built for himself where nothing bothers him. This love that happened to him with me completely caught him off guard, and he's not able to get a grip on it ever since. Honestly, it surprised me as well, and just as much. I know that he's scared of giving trust to someone, having his heart broken and ending up betrayed and abandoned all over again. We all are to an extent and I do understand that. He is very jealous even though he has no reason to be, and experiences panic attacks and general anxiety when he thinks about me, what I'm doing here while he's there and so on. Whenever he starts feeling like that, he panicks and breaks up with me. There's one main reason he does that for and that is his fear of him physically hurting me in the future, since that happened with his ex wife in his past. Break ups happen every couple of weeks, and after a couple of days or a week of not communicating with me, he comes back saying he can't help it. I know he does love me, I don't question that at all, but he is constantly finding reasons for us not to be together and he sees only the things that can possibly go wrong. Also, I don't take personally those episodes. I have to mention that he is currently away from home in Afghanistan, and that we're communicating through skype and emails. When he shuts off, he writes to my best friend instead of me and asks how I'm doing. I don't know if this is all because of PTSD or there's something else I'm missing?

We did talk alot about PTSD, but he shows no interest in working on it in any kind of way. He doesn't even want to try and see if we could make it together and work on it, he dooms us in advance. I suggested that we should go to a therapist, both individually and as a couple, but he says he's too old for trying to change and that it's too late for him to build a better, new life. Sort of like he gave up on having a meaningful, loving relationship because everybody else gave up on him. That makes me very sad, because I know what a beautiful, bright person he is and that he is not his PTSD. How do I show him that I care and that I'll never give up on him or leave him? I really see a future for myself with this man, kids and everything.

What do I do? How do I help him?

 

[nursenurse]

I am sorry for what you and he are going through. You need to read what you have written. He has basically done everything to show you he is not interested in that kind of a relationship with you. All the "I know he is" seems to me to be more wishful thinking. He reels you in and lets you out again like a fish on a hook. This is emotionally damaging and abusive, especially when his actions are speaking louder than words. Make a good life for yourself whether he is in it or not. He is not willing to admit he has a problem, and has said he is not willing todo anything about it. This will destroy any relationship sooner or later, and certainly your own sense of self worth. Find counseling for yourself to find out why you are willing to accept less than stellar treatment for yourself, you deserve more. Good luck.

 

[rightkindofme]

Well having the attitude that you will never give up and leave him is... kinda scary. So you will take anything he wants to dish out no matter what that is? That sounds like it won't lead to a fun future.

You can live your life. He can choose to be part of it or not. There's nothing you can do to change whether or not he wants to be part of your life.

I'm sorry.

 

[kahlan]

If he's not willing to help himself then its not going to happen. Hate to say that but you can't save him.

 

[Sftbll2003]

I fully understand what you are going through. I am going through the exact same thing (except my boyfriend will not contact me at all). My BF was married for 6 years and he, along with his family, says he was nothing but miserable. He told me he was not looking for anyone but something attracted him to me and the same for me. Like you said, "we just clicked". He asked me over and over if I was sure I wanted to be with him because he has so many issue. I told him I would never leave. We dated for 3 months and had our first big argument and he told me the next day that he was "done". He said he is getting overwhelmed and he has to get his life together. He said I need to give him time and "if it's meant to be, it will be." He also told me the same thing your boyfriend told you, "it's not worth trying". I tried to talk to him and tell him we could work through it but he would not listen at all. He broke up with me in the beginning of August because he said he was going to spare me the hurt of what he has to go through in life but after a few days we talked and worked it out. He broke with me again after our argument in mid September and I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks. He will not answer my calls, texts, or emails.

I also need advice from others who have dealt with the same thing because I did fall in love with him but he has completely shut me off. I have his house key and his dog tag, he also has my house key. The last time we spoke he asked me what was the best way to get for me to get my house key from him. I asked him what was the best way for him. He said he didn't know, that's why he asked me. I told him I had to handle a situation at work but I would get back to him about the keys. I called 30 minutes later and he did not answer the phone. I haven't talked to him since. What does this mean? Is he keeping the key until he gets ready to talk? Does he not care nothing about it (although he asked)? I have no idea. I have hurt for one month now and I still have not come any closer to understanding it.

 

[rightkindofme]

I would mail him his key back with a self address, pre-stamped envelope for my key.

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

[Iwillnotgiveup]

Thank you for your answers, but I think I was misunderstood, maybe because I can't precisely transfer my thoughts from my mother tongue to english.

It's not that I'm willing to take crap from him or anything like that, or that I don't know how to set boundaries; on the contrary, I think that it's absolutely necessary, so I don't get emotionally or physically abused. I am a very independent, strong person, I run my own small business and come from a very healthy, normal family. That is exactly why I made a decision about doing this, I am confident that I have enough time, patience and compassion; I can take it all, good and bad and it's worth it. I know that it can never be perfect, but for God's sake, nothing in this world is perfect. All relationships have ups and downs, and "stellar treatment" is for people who live in fairy tales, not in reality.

I asked for an advice on helping him realise that his life is by no means over because he's 44 and has PTSD and that he is not doomed to be alone and miserable for the rest of his life. He's not in denial about his problem, he's well aware of it, and thus scared of doing unintentional harm to me. He shuts me off because of the fear. In his words: "I'd rather live the rest of my life without you, than end up hurting you. And I always do that, I f**k up everything I love." It's the horrible fact that in our society the problem of PTSD sufferers is not adressed at all and is stygmatised heavily even though there is 10% of population suffering from it, and that he was pretty much told and convinced that he is a lost cause and that there's nothing he can do about it.

Of course I can live my life without him, I did a damn good job this far. I'd just prefer it otherwise. I know how rarely in life we come across another human being that special and I'm willing to go the distance for that.

 

[nursenurse]

You are living in a dream world. Your dreams, not his, and all the wishing in the world will not make it so. He is the only one who can help himself, you can give up your life waiting for something that isn't, and yes, stellar treatment is not a fairy tale, it's just good manners and politeness. If you set your bar too low, that is all you will ever attain, someone who is clearly toying with your emotions. Trust me when I say I understand PTSD and non PTSD, only far too well, now. Wait if you want, but in the meantime, keep with your own life, go out with the girls, travel. Do not be at his beck and call. He has to want you too, and he has to show it. One sided relationships do not survive. I was not going to say anything about the age difference, but you do have a little growing up to do. Listen to those who have gone before you. We don't say things to hurt, but to open your eyes, and anyone worth their salt is not going to say what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, what you describe is very much par for the course. I'd say give it a go IF he is working on his healing. But, he is not. As such, this is how it will be from here on in. Kids? Throw that dream away. Kids deserve better than a dad who is going to leave every 3 weeks.

You CANT convince him of anything. He must find it in himself. You can't make him change his mind. I am a sufferer and I know that nobody ever convinces me of anything and as such I need to find it within myself.

I'm not perfect, but at least I'm trying to work on my healing. I have my setbacks. Unfortunately I had to hit rock bottom before fully accepting my diagnosis and actively trying to heal.

 

[Iwillnotgiveup]

Oh, for the love of Jesus nursenurse, am I speaking so unclearly? I do know that he can only help himself, that is the point, that is why I'm asking for advice here, where there are many people that are competent on this matter. He has to realise that he is worth it, to the point where he seeks help for the problem he's got, for himself. I'm not trying to convince him or talk him into something, I'm not a manipulating person. I was just trying to get some info on what I can do to help him or whether that is even possible. Not because I desperately want a relationship with him, but because I want good for him in general. I don't care if he ends up with me, someone else or whatever may happen, I'd just like to see him be happy and his wounds healed, he deserves it. I care about him as a friend before anything else.

I have no intention of putting my life on hold for anyone, ever. I love living, and generally am very happy and fulfilled, I see no reason for giving up.

Politeness and good manners are stellar treatment? Sorry, I misunderstood you, I thought that is just an everyday normal thing, basic culture. I'd never even consider being friends, let alone date someone that doesn't have that.

It is not responsible to go and have a family with someone that is not capable of commitment, and I am a very, very, responsible person. Those big life steps should be planned and thoroughly reasoned. I'm sort of mentioning that as a reference on how much quality he has, because having children and finding a right person for that is a huge deal to me that is not lightly taken.

 

[nursenurse]

Very clear to me. And even with common courtesy being the norm, he is not treating you well. Anyway, it is clear you want to hear certain things which I won't tell you, and even a sufferer would not tell you. I am glad you are living your life. I stand by all that I have said, including the part about stellar treatment. For someone to have your best interests at heart and to make sacrifices for you is stellar treatment, and the norm and good manners in a relationship. You clearly are trying to think of him. And he is still reeling you in and letting you out. He has to come to his own conclusions and his own rock bottom. You can't do that for him. He is in his 40s he may be able to change, but he clearly has said he does not want to. And I am done.

 

[rightkindofme]

I've been researching PTSD for a decade now. There isn't anything that a person outside myself can do for me. I have to heal me. Same for him. There isn't anything you can do to make him feel like he is worth something.

It is really hard. :(