Help!!! Anger Turning Inward

[soulsearcher]

I am having a real tough struggle with my anger over being abused. I am trying to keep calm but feeling the anger turning inward. Now my SI thoughts and urges are getting stronger. I am also hearing my abusers negative talk and it's making me weaker.

Can anyone share words of wisdom or books or articles to read?? I am trying to fight the internal fight but feel like I am loosing!!

 

[keifer]

I try to remember the good times or days I'm not like that. It seems like an eternity for what you are feeling. I have tried breathing, music, drawing, writing, walking, visit a friend, pray, etc. There will be times none of it works.

Here is something to read.
PTSD twice a day read for one week:

I'm here now
They can't hurt me now.
I'm safe now.
It's not happening now.
It was not my fault.
I'm in control.
I don't have to be afraid now.
I am a valuable person.
I am not alone in this.
I do not have to live in constant fear.
When I encounter a trigger, I will handle it; it will not control me.
I choose to take control of my own life.
I choose to confront the realities of my life.
I will not be totally overwhelmed by my past anymore.
I will not let fear and uncertainty rule my life.
I don't have to be angry all the time.
Most people are probably not out to get me.
I will manage my anger and control myself.
I will get better.
I'm going to make it.
I'm not crazy.

 

[franciemarnie]

Working out works best for me. Use the incredible energy of that anger and run, walk, dance, punch a bag, hit tennis balls, run up stairs - anything that works. I like to use appropriate iPod music. Get it out.

You did nothing wrong. Your anger response is natural and healthy, but don't turn it in. Turn it out safely.

 

[Saule]

Sorry to hear things are so difficult for you right now, soulsearcher. I understand what you mean, and I've been struggling with similar things at the moment. For me, the most effective things to diminish the SI urges and negative self talk have been to get creative e.g. I love to knit so I've been knitting A LOT lately; also colouring intricate mandala patterns printed from a bunch of websites. The best thing I found though is to engage with other people ... for me that's talking and going out with my partner, catching up with friends (I sing in a choir so that's a great way to distract me and totally change my mindset), and using online/telephone counselling services. If I'm feeling really bad I call my T. Here in Australia there are 24/7 numbers and web chat services to access crisis counselling which is completely free. They're either trained volunteers or qualified counselors. I don't know if there's anything like that where you live, but I've been using these services a lot lately to help with the SI impulses.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts and I hope you can find some things that help you :hug:

 

[Saule]

Also agree with franciemarnie, expending all that anger in a non-destructive physical way like working out can be great too. Also if you play a musical instrument that can be an effective outlet. I play really loud and fiery piano music when I'm angry.

 

[soulsearcher]

@keifer thanks for the read. I am going to put it on my mirror and read it every morning and night.

@franciemarnie and @Saule thanks for all the ideas to deal with the anger safely. Some I have been doing but you both have given me more ideas to try.

I greatly appreciate your words of advice and encouragement. Sometimes when you feel you are in so deep you can't find the answers on your own!!

 

[TillyDevine]

@soulsearcher - hang on!

Anger is a TOUGH one for some of us. Particularly if we are not naturally aggressive or angry in nature. I think I can honestly say that getting caught in an "anger loop" is pretty much the worst thing for me at this point in my recovery, because just like you said, it turns inwardly so quickly.

I actively self-injured for about 13 years and stopped a year ago. None of the coping mechanisms I was learning along the way ever really helped me when I would get to that point of total anger-turned-inward. I wanted to trash my body just like I (subconsciously) wanted to trash those who hurt me. This year I kind of had an aha-moment when I realized...understanding the reason we self-harm (different people definitely have different reasons) is a key to finding the coping mechanisms that will actually WORK.

So, I started to pull out markers (sharpies, actually) and just totally mark up my arms, write angry words, "trash" my skin-- then go take a nice long bath and focus solely on the task of washing away the anger I had just let out. It was very healing and it somehow did the trick... after 13 years, go figure?

I hope you are safe and feeling better!

 

[Nebulustrix]

"Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward and "Dangerous Relationships" by Noelle C. Nelson are both books that were a great help to me. I recommend them to people all the time, and recommend them to you! :) Hope they help.

 

[ill]

I'm only just beginning to process my anger, but one thing I've noticed is that I tend to internalize my anger over being mistreated in part out of a desire for control. If it was my fault, then I had the capacity to punish and fix myself and I felt less helpless.