Here's My Story

[KatieO]

I started seeing a therapist a few months ago for the first time because of some other personal issues. I have a very hard time trusting anyone so it was a very big deal to me to decide to try therapy. Over time, some stuff started coming up that I now know is C-PTSD, and eventually I told a long-ago story about a sexual assault I had never told anyone about, causing PTSD of its very own. That's when the flashbacks and nightmares started like a volcano.
She said she was "in it" with me because I was very worried about being rejected, as has happened all my life, and she was for a few weeks. I really liked and trusted her. Last week, out of the blue, she blindsided me with an "I can't treat you anymore" because the symptoms have gotten too intense. It was harsh, abrupt, and devastating. Now not only have my old childhood wounds been opened up, but I'm at my lowest emotional point ever. She didn't give me any referrals, although I will never trust anyone with such sensitive and vulnerable things again anyway. I have been telling myself if I can just get the depression under control, I can maybe live with the old issues and the new, more vicious ones. I went to my PCP in desperation and she is changing over my anti-depressants, which entails reducing the current one before initiating a new one. So on top of all the other misery, my medication is decreasing.
I am a total wreck and have never felt this bad in my life. This rejection is much more painful emotionally than the assault. The ONLY reason I'm not dead is that I'm afraid of failing at suicide and ending up too disabled to give it another try.
Sometimes I feel like I am going to turn inside-out from the pain. I can't find relief anywhere.

 

[Latebloomer]

Hi KatieO- I'm so sorry for your experience. I can relate somewhat. It took me MANY years of intense suffering (behind closed doors) before I finally decided to see a therapist in town who was highly recommended for his skills with EMDR. I did a lot of energy therapies and things on my own (spending a fortune but that's another story) but living in a small town, I didn't want to see a psychologist. In the last year I all of a sudden developed phobias about driving and passing trucks, and I literally could NOT go over a big bridge- had to drive way out of my way. This was so out of character for me; I used to LOVE driving and now I was getting panic attacks, Also when going up glass elevators, heights, all kinds of this of things, and the biggie was my intense phobia about hospitals and NEEDLES. So I went starting in Sept.

The guy is very talented and kind, and I could see that EMDR was helpful. Interestingly, even though I went 2-3 times a week since last fall, never once did we address those phobias above- it was all a severe case of CPTSD. And though the therapy was intense, I kept going because I wanted the relief at the end- I preferred to "pull the bandaid off all at one even if painful" rather than drag it the agony out one hair at a time. I even got pneumonia the 2nd month, but I kept going because I felt I was making progress and that the lungs represent deep grief and despair.

I didn't know therapy would totally interrupt my life. I too had a few VOLCANOES of memories shoot up from so deep, I had no idea were there (in my case it was from infancy and my very sick mother tried to suffocate me). I was exhausted fro mthe pneumonia of course, but the next month I was totally depleted physically- yet kept going- I knew there was more.

Long story short, 2 weeks ago my trusted therapist told me we needed to take a break. What "I" heard was: you should be making more progress with all of this intense therapy, what's wrong with you? and insurance may not pay if we keep going. I felt abandoned and in more despair: if he can't help me who can? I've told him things I have NEVER shared with anyone, and though I trust him and his judgement AND I agree that my body needed to build up some strength, I am left with all of these intense feelings, and still having a very hard time working more than a couple of hours here and there, which is totally impacting my income!

So to answer your post, I guess it's normal to feel worse after opening these cptsd wounds- wish I had known that I would be incapacitated where I expected relief. I see a homeopath to keep my body balanced and eat very well, walk every day but sometimes that's all I do besides listen to podcasts or music- lots of self care. What I get from your post is that your therapist was overwhelmed with your stuff and felt she wouldn't be the best ally to assist you in this journey- it definitely takes a special kind of person to do this work with us. She sounds nice and authentic and honest about her capabilities and wants the best for you, not abandoning or rejecting you. (One thing that came up in my therapy is that my mother put me up for adoption, which was the ultimate rejection. I see now that when I was a teenager was she finally realized how mentally sick she was and wanted someone better to care for me) If there's no one she can refer you to, is there someone online that does this intense work? I bet there is. PLease do not give up. I've been crying in despair most of today feeling hopeless that I'll ever get better, but I step outside the depression and see the very real progress I have made, and I'm not giving up. We just have a whole #&^%load more of stuff than the average person, and that's our path. The depression is a symptom of those very real wounds we have- getting the right meds can assist, but continuing the excavation is where the gold is ( I'm still taking meds as well, but have cut back the anxiety ones as I no longer wake in terror- that's a HUGE win of EMDR!!)
This is my first post on these boards- sorry to be so long winded) Let me know how it goes- I care

 

[Esterio]

I started seeing a therapist a few months ago for the first time because of some other personal issues....

Thanks for the post KatieO
I'm really glad you decided to stay and post this. Therapy seems to do that cause that eruption of memories. I have been in a major eruption for about three weeks now since I restarted therapy. It was a real mistake trying to go it on my own no meds and no therapy some how I managed for quite awhile. then the inevitable I broke down in front of hundreds of people that know me. I have been staying at home since then unless I absolutely had to go somewhere. I come and post and reply here lots. Welcome I hope we get to talk some time if you want to.
Peace Be safe

 

[Sideways]

I've been abandoned by a T in the past for being "too hard", so I know how completely devastating that is. And at the time, I honestly didn't believe that I'd ever find a T I could genuinely trust. I was convinced that I was one of the people who will never recover.

In fact I have found a new T. It's been an incredibly painful trip to where I am now, and things still aren't exactly rainbows and bunny rabbits. There's a lot of different ways that things could have gone that would have been less distressing.

Unfortunately, I have to accept that the T who told me I was too hard, that the risks were too high - I was never going to recover with them. They didn't have the skills. And although it was painful, at least they recognised it, rather than persisting with a patient that was beyond their skills.

Things can improve for you. There is a T out there that can help you recover. We take this stuff in out stride, it's painful, but we learn from it. We learn that not just any T is enough for us, we need someone that has the skills to help us recover.

In the meantime, this forum held me together. There's people here who understand. There's people who know what it's like, and have real insight into how to make life better.

This is an awful situation, but you have every chance of recovering. You really do. When you're ready, you get back out there, find a T who is good enough (don't settle for any less). You deserve to recover. You deserve proper help.

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[erigby]

I am so sorry this has happened to you.
You deserve someone who can ride the storm with you...no matter how long it takes.
We are here for you.
I know there is a wonderful empathetic and compassionate therapist out there for you.
Have you asked your current T for a closure session?
If she is open to it...that may help with the transition.
In the mean time...the pain is so raw and so real and I am so sorry.