Here's The Real Question

[Srain]

It was put to me that I am afraid of 'abandonment'.

Quite frankly, to me, that is a sterile, general, and all encompassing term.

What I am dealing with (right now) is both past and present issues that have to do with children. I don't need them to love me, what I am honestly and have always wanted was for them to have is the opportunity to make up their OWN minds as teens and young adults as to whether they WANTED to spend time with me, no more have to. Not to be swayed by bullshit pumped into their tiny little ears that is simply not true about me.

I've always tried to keep that away from them. They don't know the truth! There are files should they ever want the truth but to tear their father down in their eyes is simply disgusting to me, they love him, I could never do that on purpose. Certainly not as children, it is just wrong!

When the tdoc suggested that this is what is going on with me...FEAR OF ABANDONMENT... I just can't box it up that neatly, sorry. I don't expect family members to hang out together and 'like' each other just because they are related mothers, sons, daughters, whatever... love goes without saying just as issues can and do.Especially once they are grown up.

I hope this is making sense. I'll try to give an example, my oldest grandson doesn't chitchat with me but he can't stop with my husband, they just speak the same lingo...I LOVE IT!! I think it's just wonderful and feel blessed that I can give him that connection...who cares it's not me, I get he is a math genius so is my husband..that's not me. I don't feel hurt or left out, I simply hand the phone over.

So here's the question...is this still 'fear of abandonment' the fact that I'm afraid they will not have a chance to make of their own minds about me and see who I really am? Get the chance to know me before either saying, "hey, she's kind of cool, let's go see Grandma" or "nah, I have better things to do." Let me say, I'm fine with both as long as I know they aren't being swayed by their father's dad and step mom...the last links to my father and those lies and maybe his brother, who has chosen to believe it too.

Thanks,
Rain

 

[Reclusive]

I am not an authority of anything anyhow, but I think what you're describing is different than a fear of abandonment. I think it's a totally natural reaction and pretty considerate of you looking out for your grandchildren. My grandparents didn't have much to do with my brother and I and we still resent it, even though we've reached out to them. But my parents always made sure we had the option to and that was important to us, too.

I'm not making much sense, but I agree with you and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. The way things tear families apart is just horrible. :(

 

[anthony]

Is the therapist "telling" you its fear of abandonment or "asking" you if its fear of abandonment? There is a vast difference. Once is placed, being their perception, one is getting you to review your own view to help you derive the actual answer.

So here's the question...is this still 'fear of abandonment' the fact that I'm afraid they will not have a chance to make of their own minds about me and see who I really am?

You tell me! How do you read what you wrote? What are the shortest options that you can think off to wrap the above statement into a short statement? Examples:

• Fear of abandonment
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of others influence
• Control of what others do or think?

What can you come up with Srain on that above statement you made? Then you need to review your options to find the answer/s.

 

[Srain]

1. Fear of others influence and control from a small group of old family members, not the world - without a doubt.

I don't expect everyone to like me and they often have varying opinions, not all pleasant. A few of my neighbors being case and point, that's ok, I'm strong on my need for keeping my own space and having that respected is more to me than having "best friends" next door.

2. Ok, Fear of that rejection once more from my Grandsons when they are grown, that would fit, if the above should happen.

3. Not 'control' maybe 'faith' in my Grandsons, that no matter what is said that they will make their own my minds up.

4. I am a Confessed Control Freak....oh, yuck, yes I am. I have little to control which is probably why I feel the need to control, who knows. This is a HUGE question and I one I try watch myself about especially when it comes to friends and family (husband gets the brunt, lucky him I know when to stay away and him too! and work we are in therapy!!!) I work very very hard NOT to lay out 'if i do this for you then it would be great if you would talk to me or write blah blah blah'. I never expect a call, I know they are busy, I am not that person.

She said it was fear of abandonment. I said it was more complex. God help me it comes down to abandonment...is it that simple?? Or am I trying to be special?

These are great question, Anthony! Make me think things through and not lump things together. I will look through them more...The answers are there, I know it.

Rain

 

[anthony]

Well done Srain... so far, so good. You have the answer... nobody else. You just have to put out lots of options and be really really honest with yourself. That's all it takes. We all make mistakes, we can all apologize and change, we just have to accept if we are at fault, or we aren't. And regardless, identify the actual reason. You could even identify several, then implement one at a time with changes to test whether it is the problem, or whether its not the problem.

You don't necessarily have to identify the exact problem in such a case, and focus on that, but instead just try and work through a range of solutions, which you will more than likely find the actual problem by doing so, then know exactly what you might need to change, not change, etc.

Just remember, always do things in tiny steps, don't try and jump or run. Small steps allow us to make accurate assessments, ie. there is more improvement than issue, its about the same, or this is causing more concerns than its fixing, next on the list.

Well done... exploration of oneself is the key.

 

[Srain]

I am afraid of not being able to tell the family "secret". I've had to keep it quiet from them all these years as a condition to keep my relationship with the one son that continues to keep his relationship with me hence the relationship with his wife and children. That came into jeopardy a few times and this last time for a few years after I blew up as he understandably tried to defend his father but had no idea why I was so angry when his father told him not to allow me to call his brother or his dad's house again. I was trying to understand why his brother had stopped talking to me for several years and of course I knew his father became seriously concerned when he had wanted to move her with me. I came unglued. After years of not saying anything I let spill a few things, nothing that would hurt his relationship with his father but it certainly tore mine up with him for awhile.

He's not a child nor is his brother but why I continue to protect them I have no idea.

I haven't spoken to his brother since. Paranoid, maybe. Justified, absolutely! Is the boy now a man and responsible for his own action yes! Which is why I have finally after so many pain filled years finally finally finally ....given him all I have to give of what I have wanted him to have over the past couple of years and lovingly let him go the last time I was in there. I wrote him and letter and gave him my Grandmother's things. Of course letting him I love him and will always be here and he knows I will always be here for him should he ever need me.

Maybe fear of rejection from my Son is more what I am afraid than my Grandsons. ****

My Grandsons love their mother and father like they will never love anyone else, right?

I don't know, I think I'm on the right track...

 

[anthony]

Not every secret has to be told to those who it can just as well hurt vs. help. Secrets are about getting them out of you, so then they are no longer a secret. What you tell a person and what you keep if you know it will only do more damage than good, two different things.

That is the problem with information... who do we tell and who don't we? Made that decision alone and accept it truly, and you will also find a lot of burden removed, ie. tell them or this will cause more damage than good. That is a decision... you must make it, nobody can make it for you.

The flipside to this, is often people confuse what must be told to the right person vs. kept from them. There should be no secrets between partners, as an example... a partner should be open to accept all things you say. Consequences are obviously different, though consequence are part of life and information does have consequences at times. We must also accept those if the information is being given to the appropriate person... though again, not all information should be given under some circumstances.

I will use yours as a result. Should existing family abuse be raised to grandchildren? Do they really have an ownership in events outside the scope of their life? Children is one thing, grandchildren, entire different generation.

 

[Srain]

Very very very true and probably why I have never said anything all these years. Better to have them trash me than risk ever taking away the image and the much needed relation they have with their father AND their father has with them. In my heart of hearts I just could not do that with a clear conscience. It would killed me to hurt them like that, I love them more than anyone. I would go through all this again if I had to not hurt them, I'm not being a martyr.

Ok, that being said. I have to see that my fear of abandonment is not real, it is in the past. It's already happened.

Oh crap!!! That's it!!! It already happened...............it has nothing to do with now...........******

What has frightened me has been reliving the past over and over and whether I would have to tell them about their father and what he did to me and separating them. To have in my hands the thing that tear this man's life apart and rip his family away from the way he did mine but the difference being he was young and naive. I am not. It would serve nobody and only hurt hurt hurt.

.....................
This is a lot to think about.

 

[Srain]

Thank you Anthony