Sufferer Hi I'm New I Was Physically Abused As A Child By My Mother

[nipper39]

As I reached toward my forties, found dealing with the memories much harder, suffering depression, anxiety problems, and panic attacks. Last February found myself on top of a cliff. Got there in some sort out of body experience. Like watching a movie of myself.

Sought help and given anti depressants, but still got anxiety, panic attacks and physical pain in my chest. Feel stupid and embaressed most of time. Got what I thought was a boxing film from dvd shop called The Kid. Nearly broke down when I watched it as it mirrored my life pretty much, well the abuse any rate.

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm sorry you were abused. Dealing with the results can take a whole lifetime. It sounds like you have some support, do you have a therapist?

I hope you get more support.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I'm in the same boat. Can't deny it anymore and have to face it.

 

[nipper39]

Did have therapist couldnt cope with going , just been referd back by gp, life is just such a mess have days when I cant go to work.leading to financial ptoblems.constantly having vauge moments just had a two day panic attack just couldnt catch my breath ended up in hospital.cant seem to get a grip of things.i know what I need to do just cant do it I go from being down to angry in seconds.

 

[rightkindofme]

*nod* When you are first seriously starting treatment it is very overwhelming. Sometimes therapy feels like the last place in the world I want to be.

For me part of the beginning of being able to calm down is realizing that my brain is producing a rational reaction to a situation that is no longer happening. I HAVE good reasons for my feelings. If I can manage to not be angry with myself for my feelings of panic I can manage them more easily. I don't know if you have the same sort of feel-panic-then-get-mad-at-self-for-panic.

The anger is so hard. I've punched a lot of holes in walls. I've had to get really good at repairing drywall.

I hope that the therapist you are trying to see helps.

 

[nipper39]

Thank you for your comments , just finding others with similar problems helps

 

[Candleflames]

Hi Nipper,

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. It sucks coming from a home where you couldn't be safe. It has seriously messed with my ability to feel safe or confident in any part of my adult life. Therapy was very hard in the beginning for me too and I wanted to quit many times. There were plenty of false starts and I needed more than a few breaks. I hope you can come to a place where starting back, with maybe a new therapist, feels like a good idea. It is very helpful when you are ready for it.

Here is a good place to be. I'm glad you found us.

 

[nipper39]

The more I read the more I am understanding this forum is a great resource. I hope the people who started and run the site understand its importance for some one like me. My abuser my mother singled me out, but l recently found out she suffered the same abuse from her father and mother until recently she would pretend nothing had happened. The same woman who beat me to an inch of my life has been a wonderful grandmother never even raised her voice at her grandchildren. This too left me feeling confused I managed to break the cycle, I have four kids and never once raised my hand to them, although a few doors got damaged along the way.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum.

 

[Candleflames]

Good for you for being able to break the destructive cycle. I know how hard that is to do. I have three kids and have worked very hard to give them the life I wish I had. Unfortunately my kids didn't get to have their grandparents in their lives as my parent have kept on being just as cruel as ever. I have come to the conclusion that grandparents are important so it's nice that your mom could at least get it together for them.

The story of the person that started this forum is on here somewhere. His name is Anthony and I think he does know how valuable this place is. This forum is truly a lifesaver.