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DizzyDancer
My name is Tara and I'm new here, I suppose I will start by telling my story.
I'm 32 and was diagnosed with CPTSD when I was 20 for the majority of my childhood I was physically and emotionally abused by my step-brother. At the time it was disregarded as sibling rivalry until he began physically hurting me to the point of a dislocated shoulder. He was sent away to treatment when I was 14 where he was held in a hospital until the age of 21. I haven't seen or heard from him since I was 14.
That same year I was at a friend's house sleeping over when her adult brother climbed into bed with me. He was drunk. He started touching me and I completely froze. I couldn't move even though all I wanted to do was punch him. He did not rape me and to be clear what he did do most people have not associated with anything "bad" a lot of rubbing his hands where it shouldn't have been. But I will never forget the feeling of being helpless.
I sought treatment for a short time when I was 20 and haven't much since then. I did EMDR but did not find it helpful. When I was 23 I married a man who was very emotionally abusive and repeatedly told me I'm worthless . He pushed me a few times and threatened to kill me the day I left. I haven't been in a successful relationship since I divorced him 4 years ago.
I guess I'm here out of hope that someone understands what I struggle with daily. I constantly feel worthless and replay the abuse in my mind over and over. I know there are things about my childhood that happened that I don't even remember and I panic when I try to. I feel like my friends and family just don't understand. Although they know my diagnosis they only know it as letters and that it has to do with trauma.
They don't understand that sometimes I feel so disconnected from the rest of the world, that I over analyze every thought, conversation, look, smile and always somehow turn it into a negative in my head. That to me these feelings of worthlessness are real and in my darkest moments I believe every negative thing ever said about me. I guess that's why aim here to talk to people who truly understand me.
I'm 32 and was diagnosed with CPTSD when I was 20 for the majority of my childhood I was physically and emotionally abused by my step-brother. At the time it was disregarded as sibling rivalry until he began physically hurting me to the point of a dislocated shoulder. He was sent away to treatment when I was 14 where he was held in a hospital until the age of 21. I haven't seen or heard from him since I was 14.
That same year I was at a friend's house sleeping over when her adult brother climbed into bed with me. He was drunk. He started touching me and I completely froze. I couldn't move even though all I wanted to do was punch him. He did not rape me and to be clear what he did do most people have not associated with anything "bad" a lot of rubbing his hands where it shouldn't have been. But I will never forget the feeling of being helpless.
I sought treatment for a short time when I was 20 and haven't much since then. I did EMDR but did not find it helpful. When I was 23 I married a man who was very emotionally abusive and repeatedly told me I'm worthless . He pushed me a few times and threatened to kill me the day I left. I haven't been in a successful relationship since I divorced him 4 years ago.
I guess I'm here out of hope that someone understands what I struggle with daily. I constantly feel worthless and replay the abuse in my mind over and over. I know there are things about my childhood that happened that I don't even remember and I panic when I try to. I feel like my friends and family just don't understand. Although they know my diagnosis they only know it as letters and that it has to do with trauma.
They don't understand that sometimes I feel so disconnected from the rest of the world, that I over analyze every thought, conversation, look, smile and always somehow turn it into a negative in my head. That to me these feelings of worthlessness are real and in my darkest moments I believe every negative thing ever said about me. I guess that's why aim here to talk to people who truly understand me.
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