How can a psychiatrist help me?

[MyWillow]

Last week she said I need to listen to my tears and connect with people. This week I told her that sounded like the dumbest f*cking idea ever. She stunned me by saying that she was wrong, that it feels dangerous, that I feel a lot of conflict and that I need to continue to be blunt with her.

We talked briefly about the flashback. As horrible as they are that remembering them is better than completely dissociating through them. That omission can be as triggering as commission. Just that was enough to leave me shaking and not prepared to talk about flashbacks of commission.

We talked about how I train my dogs and how it’s the only time I’m truly in the moment. She said she could help me experience life like that.

She’s so big on me reassuring my body that I’m safe and I’m listening. We have a 3 week break as she is away. She asked me if I could think about her being there with me for comfort and safety.

 

[MyWillow]

Phew. What a roller coaster. Was doing well. Had a terrifying flashback. Put off dealing with it - work, yoga, walk, busy -until I had an equine T session. Damn but they’re amazing at helping me find where I start and finish. Really helped bring me back into my body - it went from being barely able to move to all of them pushing at me and me pushing them back.

First session back with my psydoc yesterday. Holy crap. She’s very skilled. Teaching me about processing. Noticed that it’s taken a long time for me to be able to tell her much - wondered if it was me not wanting to “worry her”....picked up the pattern that I’ve always had (and still have) to be “fine” and wasn’t allowed to worry my parents. Psydoc said that I don’t worry her, that she is strong enough to listen to whatever I tell her. My first real understanding of transference. Phew.

Talked about a couple of flashbacks - she encouraged me to do this early in session so there was time for grounding. She picked up that I was dissociating before I was even remotely aware. She asked where I went and I really had to think about it - straight back to the flashback aged 3-4. I realised I was half there half here. Makes me wonder how often this has happened before.

What’s different about my psydoc is that she empowers me to ground myself: “what do you need right now?” Water, stand up, cold air, walk. She said “off you go, do you need me to come?” Nope. So I went and walked outside until I felt a little better. And then she emphasises my strength and my control because “I” did it not her. It’s weird. But clever. Tired. Slept and slept and slept. Still drained today but I need to do some burning off.

 

[Abstract]

I am so so jealous. And happy for you.

 

[MyWillow]

I am so so jealous. And happy for you.

Thank you I wish there were more like her to share around.

 

[ILoveLife]

You're making amazing progress with this doc. I'm really happy for you :) :hug:

 

[MyWillow]

You're making amazing progress with this doc. I'm really happy for you :):hug:

Thanks @Sietz :hug:

Yeah, while it’s far from fun I think I’m more functional during the week. Which is helpful in a demanding job. I also need someone who doesn’t collude with my avoidance - by letting me intellectualise - OR retraumatise me by pushing too hard. The other thing I need right now is her to lead and manage the sessions and the process. Because I have no idea once I step in the room. I need to hand responsibility over to her.

 

[ILoveLife]

I need to hand responsibility over to her.

Wondering if this is still a bit of transference happening? The need to be taken care of?
Saying this because it's always best if we have the responsibility on how things go in session, we should be able to dysregulate and it ending well at the same time, in our own timings and push-pull's behaviors you know?

Like, my T said from the start: "I'm not taking the lead here, you are. You are in charge of your recovery, not me."
And comparing to all the other Ts who wanted to be in charge, it does work much better.

 

[MyWillow]

Wondering if this is still a bit of transference happening? The need to be taken care of?
Saying this because it's always best if we have the responsibility on how things go in session, we should be able to dysregulate and it ending well at the same time, in our own timings and push-pull's behaviors you know?

Like, my T said from the start: "I'm not taking the lead here, you are. You are in charge of your recovery, not me."
And comparing to all the other Ts who wanted to be in charge, it does work much better.

Possibly but I doubt it. I am fiercely independent. I rely on nobody. I don’t trust people. I connect with animals and APPEAR to connect with people. I am a great faker. So it actually feels novel to hand responsibility over to someone else who I trust knows her shit. No doubt she is teaching me to manage stuff better so I can take back responsibility. Does that make sense?

 

[ILoveLife]

It does make sense, but maybe that whole independence thing sometimes isn't so strong and you actually need to rely on others, which is perfectly acceptable and even desirable.

When it comes to your recovery though, it's good to learn how to rely on your own mind's ability to do the right thing for you, and help it accomplish that. It's our work, even if they do help.

 

[MyWillow]

It does make sense, but maybe that whole independence thing sometimes isn't so strong and you actually need to rely on others, which is perfectly acceptable and even desirable.

When it comes to your recovery though, it's good to learn how to rely on your own mind's ability to do the right thing for you, and help it accomplish that. It's our work, even if they do help.

Yes I think you are right. I think that’s why she insists that it’s ME doing the grounding. She emphasises that she only ever makes suggestions - because my brain is off line - but it’s up to ME to decide what I need.

 

[ILoveLife]

I like her ;)

Have to go to T now :hug:

 

[MyWillow]

I like her ;)

Have to go to T now :hug:

Yeah I don’t mind her either ;) I think she’s teaching me a different way to control my life.

Hope it’s a productive session for you :hug: