Relationship How Could A Marriage And Ptsd Work?

[PTSDWIFE]

I have been in a relationship with a man who has combat PTSD off and on for over 2 years. I am the only one who knows of his illness, and he reluctantly saught help with my support.

He has a history of isolating, and after a few weeks we are back together. Through research, I realize this is very common and we discussed how we can deal with his overwhelming anxiety without ending it in the future.

We had been looking at houses and talking about marriage despite his fear of comittment. (His idea.) Then I got an out od the blue text saying he took a promotion 5 hours away.

Apparently, he was feeling anxious and saw it as an opportunity to get away to a slower-paced life, leave his family, and avoid comittment. He told me now, weeks later, that he still loves me and could envision our life in the new city. He is just afraid of isolating and letting my daughter and I down. (His reason for fearing comittment.) Does anyone have any suggestions for marrying or living with a man who isolates? I love him and would do almost anything to make it work.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly, I think you are quite far from marriage and it shouldn't be considered any more than a distant goal of sorts. I think that the relationship needs to be on solid ground first. That means that if he needs space, he tells you he needs space. This could be as simple as a text. That is, the relationship doesn't end for a few weeks and then start back up. I think that a lot of people expect relationships to have constant contact (just from what I've seen others post in that they can't stand the anxiety of not hearing from their sufferer every single day), but the truth is that relationships come in all kinds. Maybe you work something out with him where its not always an on again off again sort of thing, but he agrees to stay in the relationship and communicate to you his need for space.

At this point, he ran, and I would consider the relationship over. It is a LOT easier for many of us to do the long distance thing, but when the closeness sets in again, we can't handle it. Would you pick up your entire life to move and be with him, even though there is a risk of it not working out? That is, you'd uproot your daughter for a guy? To me that is selfish on his part. He ran, and now he expects you to follow him? Think long and hard before continuing anything with this guy. Kids need stability, and this guy can't give that to you.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but he has a lot of healing to do even before he should be in a relationship, period. I think that marriage and buying a house are completely out of the question right now. That is, he told you through his actions that he can't commit, but you much rather listen to his words. Remember, talk is cheap. Its his actions that count.

 

[PTSDWIFE]

Thank you for the tough love. You are probably right.

 

[horizons]

I would like to add something to Solara's post. When someone is suffering from (untreated) PTSD, their head is full of their own "stuff". Marriage is an enormous (stressful) life change for anyone, let alone someone with PTSD. Moving house is also hugely stressful, as is changing jobs. Rather than posing the question of "should I live with/marry a man who isolates?" , ask yourself "is he making a committed effort to dealing with his PTSD?"

You cannot expect someone who has just started a recovery journey with his own mental health to take on major stresses such as marriage, purchase of house and responsibility of your daughter. Living with someone who has PTSD means being aware of what that condition means - and accepting that the "fairy tale romantic visions" need to take a back seat while he works on his own issues. Adding stress factors and expectations to that process will hamper the recovery journey and ultimately hurt 3 of you.

If he suggested house hunting and marriage, then no doubt he does care for you and thought he could cope, but he is very obviously NOT READY - for starters if you are the only one who knows of his PTSD and he only "reluctantly" sought help with your support, you don't even have any evidence of commitment to his own healing yet. As Solara said - it's about actions, not words.

I spent two years of hell on a rollercoaster ride with my partner before he really accepted he had PTSD. (he'd been diagnosed but did nothing about it) It DID affect the kids,(his one and my two) who were teenagers at the time and obviously affected me, and our finances. I learnt that things had to happen at HIS pace, not mine. I also learnt the difference between supporting and enabling. Self sacrifice will not work, not for either of you - nor for your daughter. Today we are a strong couple - but it took TWO people to be committed to working on their own individual "stuff" before the relationship had a chance.

While you're waiting on some evidence that he is actually taking action to deal with his PTSD, please start focussing on your own wellbeing - find a counsellor to confide in and reflect on your need to have "'marriage" in the picture at this early and unstable stage.

 

[Justmehere]

It could work... eventually.

If you want to hang in with him for the long haul, then I agree that counseling is a great idea. Maybe even couples counseling to begin to figure out how to make it work.

But like other have said, if he is already suddenly abandoning you and your daughter and moving further away and this nervous about commitment at this level of relationship, he's not ready right now. It may take a long time for him to be ready, if at all. It's a tough situation to be sure.

 

[nursenurse]

You have a child to consider who is as much a part of the roller coaster as you are. Move on. She is your top priority. I whole heartedly agree with Solara. When you allow yourself to be treated like crap, you give permission to your child that it is okay for them to be treated like crap as well. His actions more than spoke for his intentions.