Relationship How Do I Handle His Isolation And Health Issues?

[Azsun]

It's been a few months since I have been on the forum because my relationship with a sufferer and his PTSD have been progressing very well, until today. My boyfriend is a retired marine/army vet of 15 years in the military. He was deployed to Iraq twice, as well as many other deployments. He received a TBI in Iraq and has several other health issues. We have been dating more seriously for the past 3 months. He is the most kind and loving man I have ever met, and I have grown to love him.

When he asked me to go "steady" earlier this summer, he also asked me to join him in a support group and be involved in his therapies at the VA hospital. Then, he got a job with daytime hours that conflicted with his therapies and other VA appointments, so he stopped going. We have been spending a lot of time together, nearly every day, and took a little trip to California. He has been doing good things, such as looking into going back to school and is planning to register next week. I am proud of him. His family is proud if him. He is struggling with some of his health issues, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, and has gained some weight, but otherwise he has been doing well and our relationship has been strong.

This week he went to an appointment with his psychiatrist. I don't know if this was a trigger, but he didn't return my texts today until much later than usual, cancelled our plans (which is very rare), and told me that he is having a hard time with his PTSD. The room was spinning. He might have been experiencing other things, but only shared with me these things. He basically told me he needs to be alone and to not come over to his house. His sister lives with him and saw him briefly. She said that he looked very stressed out, had bags under his eyes, and was "hiding" out in his room. I think he is abusing medical marijuana, and I am concerned that he is drinking. He has a history of alcoholism that he got help for in the past. He asked me to call and see how he is feeling tonight after a few hours. He might have felt like hanging out. He did not return my call, which he has never done. He also did not return a text. I am confident he is "alright" because we play games online, and I've seen him logged on.

He also had a minor heart attack about 3 weeks ago. Since he has diabetes in addition to high blood pressure and PTSD, and he had said the room was spinning, I have been worried that he could have another heart attack, or stroke.

I love this man and care for him very much. I have expressed that I understand, am here for him for anything he needs, and am trying to respect his request to be alone right now. This is very difficult of course when I just want to go over there and take care of him. He has no one else here outside of me and his younger sister. When I spoke to her she basically told me that their family feels that he is a "lost cause". She does not want me to get hurt and said that I can't "fix" him, which I know already. I understand this.

I do not agree that he is a "lost cause". I accepted the PTSD when I agreed to be in a relationship with him and will support him however I can.

Now I am not sure of what i should do tomorrow. I am hoping to talk to him and see him. If he isolates himself and pushes me away, should I stay away even though I do not feel comfortable with him being alone in the house where he might need medical attention? I do not know how to go about my day away from him knowing that he could be in trouble, have a stroke or heart attack, and that he is hurting. I want to respect his wishes to he alone. At the same time I want him to know he is not alone. I also want to be there in the case that something bad happens to him.

Forum friends, please let me know your thoughts on this situation. Do I stay away? Do I continue to try to reach him, or go to him?

Thank you for listening and for your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

 

[amethist]

Forum friends, please let me know your thoughts on this situation. Do I stay away? Do I continue to try to reach him, or go to him?

Hi Azsun

I can see in your post that you are worried about him, and that is only natural. I would leave him alone for maybe 48 hours, then send him a simple text saying something like, "Hi are you ok, do you need anything". If he answers then fine, if not then I would possibly think of just calling round and checking on him. He may welcome you text or visit, he may ask you to leave him until he gets back to you. If he is not in the habit of leaving to be on his own, then there is probably not reason to think this will last too long.

I hope it works out well for you.

 

[Azsun]

Thank you for the suggestions. This is not something I have seen before other than three months ago when he was triggered after seeing a friend he had been in Iraq with. Thank you.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I am new to this so certainly no expert, but...here's my .02. Looking at it from his point of view, how alone he must feel right now? His family considers him to be a lost cause? I can't imagine how isolating and lonely that must feel. He probably feels that they are right...he is beyond saving and that is why he is isolating himself.

I'm not saying to go barging in there because maybe he does need his space right now, but I think it would be a good idea to touch base with him on a regular basis to let him know that you care and you haven't given up on him. A phone call if he'll take it, a text message once or twice a day, an email, etc. Don't overwhelm him with contact so he gets annoyed, but just let him know you are there for him when/if he decides he needs you. Keep is simple, keep it brief. Let him know you care and that you believe in him.

 

[Azsun]

Thank you for your insight and advise. There is some good news here. This week I have seen him and/or talked to him consistently every day. I think he knows that I support him and am trying my best to understand. He is not isolating himself from me now, but he is not leaving his house other than to come to my house, or make a quick run to the store. I work during the day, and right now he is not.

I did give him space when he asked for it the other week. He did then ask me to come over. He was wearing full clothes even though it is summer and very hot here in AZ, because he did not want me to see that he has a rash. He told me he went to the VA hospital because his head was spinning and he broke out in a rash. They said he had an allergic reaction to something, and we do not know what. He did not want to worry me, or for me to see him, which is why he appeared to be isolating himself. He did end up showing me the rash. I got him hydrocortisone cream and the Benadryl, and stayed with him. He has stayed with me over night once this past week. He is opening up to me and letting me help him.

When he spent the night with me last Saturday. He was talking in his sleep and thrashing around. He does not remember talking to me when he was sort of awake, but actually sleeping and not making any sense. He has been restless, obsessively picking at his rash, which has now developed into sores. He then told me that he has missed some medications for PTSD, because he forgot to refill them. When PTSD started years ago, he could not sleep with anyone for a while because he was waking up violent. He came over tonight with the intention to stay with me, but left around midnight, because he was restless and uncomfortable. He said he was having a hard time not scratching. He left, and I talked to him when he got home. He always calls or texts me when he gets home. He did not want me to stay at his place, left his dog with me, and we are going over to his house in the morning. His dog really likes being at my house with my dogs.

He is opening up to me. He is really trying and at least getting out of the house to when he comes to my house. He is so sweet. While I was still out, he came to my house and waited for me. He fixed my garage door opener. He is in the process of registering to go back to school too, so there are some positive things mixed in with the challenging ones. I see him doing good things and trying, but really is struggling a lot.

I am having a hard time keeping it all straight. I do not know what the meds are that he missed. He renewed them only when I reminded him too, so he is not really taking care of himself and managing his meds on his own. I do not know whether or not I should "step in" and offer to help him get them on automatic refill. I think I will offer, because he is "off" right now. He seems to like my assistance and usually accepts it. He is disorganized, and I think he could use some help with this.

I know we will spend the majority of the weekend together, so I am thinking I will try to help him with his meds and talk about what's going on if he wants to and can without being too pushy. I know he does not want to go places due to the rash, now sores. Some are on his face, and he is scratching them. He loves going to movies, and it is dark in theaters, so maybe I can get him to a movie, if he is up for it.

There are other things that have come up. There is so much that I am having a hard time keeping it straight. Now, I am also worried he could be abusing other drugs. I know the things he is demonstrating is associated with PTSD. I know something's about meth use, and looked into it more today out of curiosity. Many of his "symptoms", like the sores and obsessive scratching and picking at them, are also common effects of meth use. Others are obsessive behaviors, restless and not sleeping, anxiety, paranoia, eating and drinking a lot of sugary things, high blood pressure, possible heart attacks and stroke, all of which he has. Now I wonder if all these things are happening due to PTSD and missing some meds, or if he is doing meth, or something else. He has a history of drug use and alcoholism, which I am just discovering through his sister and him telling me things here and there.

This is all so much. I can't imagine how he must be feeling, and I am obviously very concerned. I might be over reacting, but I am really the only person he is letting in. If I don't try to help him and be cautious, no one will.

The forum is very helpful for me to just say it and think it through.I wish he was going to the VA and seeking more help too. I have so many questions about how to handle all of these things that I don't even know where to start. I wonder if it is appropriate for me to seek some advise and talk to someone at the VA. Should I try harder to help him, or would I be developing co-dependency, or being intrusive? I am so confused and worried.

 

[amethist]

I do not know whether or not I should "step in" and offer to help him get them on automatic refill. I think I will offer,

You can ask if he needs a bit of a hand with this, see what he say's. I help my husband organise his meds, reminding him when he has to pick up the refill's.

It's the small things that can make a big difference.

 

[twopenny]

Ask him. If he refuses, or reacts to it badly, don't push it. On the other hand he may be wishing there was somebody who would help him, but too afraid to ask you, or feeling that he's not worth bothering about.

It must be much harder to deal with the isolation stuff when you're not living in the same house - it's harder for my hub to push me away completely, because we come back to the same place every night. He's had his moments though, and shut me out in many many other ways. I think the best way to deal with it is to keep going back to him, and not give up on him. Make sure he knows that you care about him, and will be there for him - in short, make him feel he's safe with you. And to not get offended or angry, or too upset, when he doesn't contact you for a bit (I know that's much harder to do than to say).


As for his family - I'm quite horrified - nobody is ever a 'lost cause'.

 

[Azsun]

Thank you for your response. Thank you so much. I need to add that today he came over, and asked me to sit down. I was right in my feeling that something else is going on. He has used meth this past week when he told me he had a rash from and allegorical reaction. He said that he did go to the VA, and they did know exactly what it was, but he lied to me. He is being honest now, and is asking for help and support. He said he'd understand if I never wanted to talk to him again, but I cannot and not do that, not now. I am all he has, and I do love him, and I he is wanting help. I talked to his sister and found out his history with that right after Iraq when he self medicated. If he is telling me the truth about it this time, he has been doing it for about a week, or a little more, which is when he got the "rash". He told where he got it. He said he is stopping. I researched it because I didn't know anything about it, and obviously I am not a professional, but we talked about what it says in things I read about how it affects the brain and long term affects, as well as that we need to seek professional help for both of us through the VA to deal with is right hopefully so he does not ever go back to it. He also really needs some positive things and counseling in his life other than me. I can not be with him all the time, and he is lonely, afraid, and lost.

I am so thankful that he is reaching out to me. He trusts me. I hope I am strong enough to go through this with him. It honestly scares me a lot. I do not know if it is smart for me to seek a future with this man that I love, but who could bring a lot of problems into my life, or that this could hurt me too, emotionally, or otherwise. I absolutely do not fear my falling into this drug or any other drug with him. I have absolutely no desire at all. As I find out more, such as his drug and alcohol history after Iraq as well as when he was a teen ager, I know this might be more than I can handle. I also do not feel that I can walk away from him.

If there are some resources that anyone can suggest, or ideas of who to talk to, things I should and should not do, I am hoping for some through this forum. He knows now that I am on this forum, and that I am in this with him, if he wants me to be, and he does. He says he does not want this anymore and does not want to lose me, but more importantly we both want for him to be happy and healthy again. I know I can not "fix" him, but I can support him.

I am going now to his house, where he just went to, because he has a little of it left and wants to get rid of it. He knows that I disagree with it. He knows that I cannot support his decision to do it, but cannot stop him either. He asked me to come over and watch him get rid of the rest after he uses some. I don't know if I am doing the right thing by going. I told him that I do not agree with it at all and that if I do go, I am not accepting it as OK. I hate this drug, and others, but this one especially because it is the one he is using. I don't think I should stay way tonight and make him feel alone. I worry that it will cause it to be a worse situation, if it can get worse. I don't feel right about "letting" it continue and being there when he is on it either. What do I do?! Do I stay, or do I go? Do I let him know I can't support his use and will not be there, if he is using, or do I be there to let him know he is not alone, and we will get through this??

I am strong, but only so strong, and I am scared for him.

 

[amethist]

If he is reaching out and asking for help, as well as getting rid of the stuff, then to me you have to give him a chance.

If he goes back on his word in the future, then you will have to think again. But for now, support him and be there for him.

 

[Azsun]

Thank you, Amethyst. That is my plan today. This morning I asked to see it, and he showed me. I realize that with addiction and substance abuse there likely has been and will be lies. At least with this particular drug the signs of his using are obvious, and I now can tell by how he acts when he is using as well as the physical symptoms, so hopefully I will know when he is using, if he is telling me he is not. I did call a hotline and got another number for treatment centers that accept VA insurance in the case that he does continue to use.

I really appreciate your advise and listening. I told my one cousin here where we live, so there is someone who knows for our protection should something happen. Other than the forum and her, I do not feel that I can talk to anyone else in my family about it, not now. I did talk his sister too, and he is supposed to tell her today.

Thank you for listening.