General How Do I Help A Friend Who Was Raped?

[Jack Polaris]

Hello, i want to help a dear friend of mine... actually a girl i'm in love with, but i don't think we'll ever have a relation. I know she was raped about 5 years ago but i don't know any details, i know she's seen a therapist but also that she lost trust in him and just went along with her life, struggling with trusting anybody...

now she's also being stalked by a guy with multiple sms's, e-mails, presents... she knew him some months ago when she was looking for a new house, she let him into her house and tried to help him with a reiki treatment because of some skin-illness he had... he fell in love with her and obsessed over her untill now, he stole her social media accounts multiple times and read her e-mails somehow... so he got a lot of personal info on her because there were some of her e-mails to the therapist in there.

She's not really scared by him most of the time, but she sometimes has very vivid and violent nightmares, that can be about her or someone she cares about... when she wakes from one of those she's terribly scared and she can't get anything done and she doesn't trust anybody for days. I can't even talk to her anymore because she is convinced nobody cares for her and that i only try to help her because i wanted to have a relation with her (when i told her about it i didn't know her so well).

I'm giving her money cause she doesn't have much and helping her with studying, and letting her stay at my house because she can't really pay a rent now. She doesn't trust me tho and wants to go renting a house, which would mean she'll have no money left for eating basically, she only works 2 days a week in a pub...

i dont know what to do. I'm sure she has PTSD but she never actually told me she was diagnosed with it...

She doesn't talk to me about anything personal anymore, and she is ALONE. Doesn't trust her parents, they always treated her like shit even after the rape, and i think her mother let the guy who raped her stay in the house so she blames her for that, but doesn't say it. Her parents never really showed real affection to her, and she tries to get it now, when she's with them she looks like a child for how she acts. But the day after she says they just treated her like shit for all of her life and that she hates them. So she says she's ok with her mother, and maybe she is trying to force herself to be ok with her, but i think that's very wrong because her mother never even apologized to her... she must feel it was all her fault.

She said to me she didn't fight back when she was raped once. So to sum it up, now she's going through exams at the university (she's 28, lost years because of everything), she has the stalker guy, she feels she cannot trust me, and i'm the only person in the world she was hangin out with these last 2-3 months, she doesn't feel like going to her parents also because she wants to grow spiritually and feels like that's like going back (i also think that's what she makes up in her mind to accept the fact that she doesn't trust them), she occasionally goes to "meetings" about spiritual life, dream interpretation... she is trying to do something, but definitely doesnt know what to really do. Now she had finally decided to go to a therapist again, but that would cost her about 6000 euros and she doens't have that, so she changed her mind. So today i'll give her 5000, almost everything i have, so she can rent a house if she feels like she can't stay at mine anymore AND have some money for the therapist...

I know that me being clode to her helps her a lot at times, but also akes her feel incredibly bad when she has moments or days in which she doesn't trust me at all. I'm getting insulted everyday most of the time but i don't really care about it, just want to see her well. But i'm afraid of what could happen to her if she leaves me behind and goes fully alone. I'll always be there for her ofcourse... but she may decide to not reach out. I don't know if she'll use my money for the therapist, she may decide not to go to a therapist anymore... but she NEEDS help. And as she doesn't trust ANYTHING of what i tell her, i can't find a way to convince her i want to help her. Anything i say/do she finds a way to prove (in her mind) that i just say/do it to for myself or to get something from her. I wrote this in a rush, probably left thing out... if someone has advice, i thank you. I thank you a lot. I can't see her suffer everyday, i just can't. But i feel like there's not much i can do. I have to go now will give extra info after in the thread when i have time... i hope i get something out of this :(

 

[Justmehere]

I can tell that you care about her very much and that this is really hard on you. It seems like she is struggling and trying to get on her own two feet.

You know what strikes me about what you have written? It seem like you don't trust her much. I can't explain it very well, and I may be totally off, so take my perspective with a lot of salt. I could be very wrong.

It's her life. She needs to make choices and work to stand on her own two feet. It seems clear you are so distrusting of her ability to survive on her own that you are giving all you have to her... which may be too much. You are clearly super worried for her, but she is an adult. Unless she is homicidal or sucidial, then you can't force her to get help.

She has to choose it.

By giving her so much and caretaking her to the degree that you are, you may be inadvertently helping her avoid getting the professional help she needs and enabling her to keep running from help.

As a sufferer, before I got into treatment and into a good place in my recovery, I would find it very hard to trust someone who was giving so much to me. It's just too much to think it's got no strings attached. I'm not saying that is accurate or right, but I can see why she is overwhelmed and pushing back.

You mean so well, but I think you might be trying to fix her too much. It's

I suggest backing off from giving her almost all you have. It might be ok to offer to pay for her therapy, but maybe not her rent. I'm not really clear on why you are offering to give up what you have to pay her rent instead of her working to get on her own two feet.

Respect her boundaries and choices as hers to make. Unless she asks you for help or advice, I'd strongly avoid giving it. Listen and have your own boundaries.

Instead of trying to fix her so much, focus on changing the only person you can change: you.

Everyone has stuff, and the more you work on your own stuff, the better you will be able to be a good friend to her. A steady non-reactive support.

I'd suggest reading up on codependency too. Some of what you write seems a little codependent.

I'd also look into if you have any abandonment fears of your own. You are terribly focused on her leaving you and her being alone. Right now, being alone may help her sort her stuff out.

It's not always bad to be alone. Sometimes it can help.

Let go of convincing her to get help. I get the sense that you have done a lot of that. She already doesn't trust you, and she won't benefit from therapy until she is ready and willing to get help. She knows therapy is out there and perhaps when the time comes you can help pay for that.

But for now, I'd listen to her cues and her communications of her boundaries really well and give her some space. No matter how worried you are about her, respect her boundaries. Even if it means she goes hungry - it may work better to motivate her to get help than by trying to do so much for her.

Let her be her own person, even if that means she is separate from you and your support.

This is super hard stuff to do, and I think your heart is in the right place. I'd consider reaching out to a therapist yourself for help and support for you to navigate these difficult issues with her. It might help normalize getting therapy anyhow, and help her be more willing to try it again herself.

 

[Jack Polaris]

Thank you for your advice... you gave me a new perspective.

Yes, i feel like i can't leave her alone... two times already she wanted me to stop doing anything for her and just stay away from her... but then both times she reached out for me just the day after, desperate and accusing me of not caring for her... it's so hard to choose what to do. I'm afraid that it will be the same again, that she'll feel abandoned...
She keeps saying that she doesn't trust me, that i'm fake and i don't really want to help her, so i feel like i need to proove her that i'm there... she once told me the only thing she is certain of, is that nobody in the world really cares for her... that struck me so hard...now i just feel a lot of guilt and remorse every time i try to get distance, i think back to that and want to make her feel different, so i guess you may be right and i should fix theese things to be able to support her better.
But the fact that when i tried, she fell into anger and depression stops me.

I didn't give her the money because i couldn't get to the bank in time yesterday, maybe it's better like that... i want to try and let her go her own way now, i really want to. I had so much doubt, you helped make it clear that it is probably ok for her to stay alone, i think i needed someone with experience to tell me that.

I respect her decisions, i've not been trying so hard to convince her to get help actually. I only suggested it once some time ago and another time in the last week, and told her i tought it was a very good idea when she brought it up at times. I know she needs to be ready and willing for it to help her...

I had tought to get therapy myself, i definitely need some help to do the right thing here... but i also wanted to save money to help her so i never started.

Whatever she decides to do, i'll support her in that, not try to convince her to do something different.
I will trust her and not be over supportive

You gave really good advice, and it's incredible how well you understood the situation and me, i'll make sure to check out something on codependance... i never really tought about that. Maybe i really need to understand and know myself better in order to be supportive and helpful in the right way.

I thank you with all my heart... this whole thing has been very hard for me, it's so good to find a little help. And what you showed me may be just what was needed. I hope things will take a turn for the better.