I Dissociate All Day To Teach... And I'm Okay With That

[InsideAWord]

I'm a brand, spanking newly certified English teacher. I got a job.

In order to get through the day, plan engaging lessons effectively, manage behaviors in the classroom, explain writing skills and reading strategies, remember all the content from the literature, etc. I have to basically put myself in the mindset that I am actually an experienced teacher, and that I'm basically in a movie about a good teacher making an impact on her students' lives. I know -- it sounds cheesy, but hey, that's just how teachers are portrayed in the media (if they are ever portrayed in a positive way.) I know I'm not a veteran teacher, and that I'm not excited at ALL to be teaching The Odyssey, but hey -- I guess I'll fake it 'til they make it. I'm a typical new teacher -- struggling every week to grade quickly and plan lessons that enhance student-centered learning.

I enter this strange persona when I step into the class. And it's totally not me. It's just a proxy I used to distance myself from everything that is happening throughout my day because I have to make thousands of decisions everyday, sometimes in a split-second, but I get through it by using the defense mechanism that is considered unhealthy. But, this persona helped me control panic attacks, crying spells, etc. And, it's probably why I got the teaching job.

Strange, though, isn't it? I'm befuddled by how well this is working.

 

[Notsowild]

I've always talked about acting normal in this world. But you really are. How do you do it? Do you wake up every morning and say I'm going to be a great teacher. And doing this keeps all your PTSD symptoms at bay? Tell me tell me please.

 

[InsideAWord]

I've always talked about acting normal in this world. But you really are. How do you do it? Do you wake up every morning and say I'm going to be a great teacher. And doing this keeps all your PTSD symptoms at bay? Tell me tell me please.

Well, this isn't necessarily "normal." Dissociation is a coping mechanism where you essentially create this alternate reality as a proxy to function within reality. I've had plenty of breakdowns, but I don't let it come out when I walk into the school building. I've been in therapy for two years and I've been adjusting meds. So, right now, it's working. I enjoy teaching, I enjoy helping my students, I enjoy reading, I enjoy writing, etc.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I'm not sure it's dissociate. You put on the armor of an English Teacher. It's like putting on a uniform. Each layer projecting your persona and protecting your doubts. (It protects you from the fear you may not come home each day)

I put one on for a long time. Knowing that everyone is looking at you and they assume you know what your doing.

It protects you from the doubt. A cop arriving on a fight scene or eating dinner at McDonalds you are being watched and everyone expects you know what your doing.

Like the Captain on a ship in a storm you never admit you might sink otherwise panic will ensue. You always know what to do.

You will become more comfortable in that armor of skin each day till you are an English teacher without realizing it.

 

[Friday]

I do this. When I'm doing well, it's as easy as breathing. Just shift gears, or reach for the right box (of cultural norms/ reactions/ verbiage/ etc.). Except that I'm always "me". And I can always reach into any "box" as needed. I generally call it wearing different hats. Mom-hat, teacher-hat, fighter, lover, etc.

When my PTSD stuff is in full swing, my compartments break down. They start leaking one into the next. I start reacting badly / out of the wrong compartment. I can't trust my own judgement. It started out really simply... I reacted to things stateside as if I were still in the field. The older I get, and the more roles I've filled (and cultures I've lived in), the more compartments I have to break down. When my PTSD stuff is sorted, the compartments are fine. I can be working with little kids, need to whip out my military stuff for 30 seconds with an asshole on the street, and go right back to working with little kids. That usually causes a bit of a reaction later, when I have to switch on the fly, but I can do it no sweat. If I actually have time to consciously switch gears, take a few moments or few minutes to breathe and shift into the role I'm in, then there's no after effects.

My understanding is that most people do this to greater or lesser extent. Modify their behaviors based on where they are and who they are with (work, home, pub, church... Loved ones, strangers, dangerous people...adults, children, etc.). The greatest extent would be DID with entirely different personalities, but if you're a parent cutting up your children's food, and aren't cutting up your co-workers food? Then you're switching roles. We all/most learn it as children. Babies act the same everywhere. Children, meanwhile are learning not to run and scream in this place, but that place is okay. To mind their manners with this person but not that person. That having a girlfriend means it's not okay to be flirting with other girls. That it's fine to stay out partying all night when you don't have work in the morning, but once you have to work? Better modify your behavior! My understanding is that compartmentalization isn't inherently a bad thing, instead it's how we function normally in society. It's a good thing in most situations. Don't wanna be table dancing at church! Or treating an adult like a 5yo. It's not having control over it that's the harmful thing. Either literally acting the same with everyone or literally being different people in different situations.

 

[Nam]

I think I understand this too. There are times I'm incredibly calm in situations that would put most people in a panic. But this uniform you put on may be exhausting you. It might be good for current functioning, but may not be good for long-term healing. Do you enjoy it?

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

I could be way wrong but I think there might be a difference between dissociating to protect myself from bad things happening and putting on a costume of someone with the abilities that I want to attain or emulate in order to be good at what I do - not sure though

 

[InsideAWord]

I think I understand this too. There are times I'm incredibly calm in situations that would put most people in a panic. But this uniform you put on may be exhausting you. It might be good for current functioning, but may not be good for long-term healing. Do you enjoy it?

Ha -- I'm glad someone asked. Sometimes, I really don't. It's exhausting. I've gone into the bathroom during my lunch hour or planning period just so I can fight back tears of frustration and collect myself because, even though I had this great composure in front of the students, I'm actually hearing any of the snickers between the students and praying that they're not talking about me, whether they hate my class, whether they hate me, etc. etc. etc. Any time something goes wrong, I'm quick to blame myself, and I question whether or not I'm an engaging, effective teacher. I cry extremely hard during the evenings at least once a week. When grading and planning get on top of you, and you're walking into the building with 2 hours of sleep and a pounding headache for half of the school day.... it becomes the most draining experience.

But, I tell myself, "You have a job to do... you've wanted to do this since you were in middle school... you worked full-time through college to do this... go put on your big girl pants and paint that smile on your face... you got a show to put on." The nerve-racking experience occurs so many times that, sometimes, my nerves just feel shot.

But I have a job to do. And, that keeps me focused just long enough to make it through each class and give it everything I got.

 

[Maggiemay]

I'm a teacher too and know what you mean. There's a big divide at school where I'm an organised, confident, fun and engaging teacher. And at home where I struggle to look after myself. I can't do any work at home so have to fit it all into the school day

X

 

[Eleanor]

I teach as well, as does my H. This is what we both do. And it IS exhausting. Performance art always is. And I would add that the person who is teaching is actually you. A part of you, but you nevertheless. And it sounds like that part is pretty awesome.

And so I'd like to ask you the "do you enjoy it" question in a different way: When you are teaching are you enjoying it? In that state, is it fun? Clearly it comes at a price, and the other bits of you are stressing out and not particularly enjoying it, but are being worried and scared about stuff.

Can the "teacher you" talk down the scared and freaking out bits before they have to go back into the background for you to go teach some more? Can the teacher you coach the scared bits about what is going on and how to cope, think about, react in the future? The bits of you talk to each other and that is really good and important. Try to take care of the freaking out bits when they come up, help them out, just like you would a freaking out bit that didn't happen to reside in the same body. That way those bits can't hijack any of your relationships with students.

I've learned that those of us with unintegrated bits and pieces need to own all of them. The teacher part is a personality of yours just like the other at home and crying in the bathroom parts. There is only one you, it is just all the parts are not speaking to each other and cooperating yet. But they can. They gradually get less terrified of each other, and calling each other names if you give them the chance. It helps to remember that every bit was necessary for your survival to this point, so they (you) all do actually depend on each other.

Are you teaching high school or college? Doesn't matter, actually. FACT: you can't likely reach ALL of the students. Some of them are sufficiently freaked out that they hate everything as a matter of principle so that THEY can make it through the day. They each bring their own issues (some as bad as yours) to the classroom. How they respond to you is about 5% you and 80% them. And you are a "teacher" and they've had those before and so the other 15% is expectations formed by other teachers in the past.:grumpy: You reach the ones you can. What was that Kevin Kline movie... the Emperor's Club? Good moral for teachers there. "Save the ones you can." One of my least favorite life lessons for sure, but an important one.

After about 25 years of teaching here is what I can tell you and I'd like to say this to all the bits: Your job is not to have them like you. It is ok if they don't. They are not your peers. You are in charge of them, and so you have to be better than them, whether they like you or not. They do need to respect you, and they will so long as you respect yourself and them. You have to model this for them. And that is a crucial aspect of teaching too. And an excellent place to fake it. You are an excellent leader of yourself - getting all the bits together to get to work and do the job. No small feat.

Your job is to get their little grey cells firing. To expand their understanding. To deepen their thinking and feeling. Whether they like you or not is irrelevant. AND paradoxically, the more consistent and demanding and fair you are, the more they will like you. Be a good trainer, it is about what they can do not how they feel about you. It really really helps if you are clear (to yourself and them) about what you want them to DO, and the standard you are judging their performance against. Tell them. Spill the beans. Then there is no "nice," there is only true and false; did they do it or not? Can you help them figure out a way to do it better? It is all about problem solving.You helping them solve their problem(s).

"Fake it til you make it" is the only way anyone gets better ever, as far as I can see. You (all parts) and the students alike.

I find that when I get "stuck" having to teaching something, it is almost always something that... well, I need to learn myself. Maybe Odysseus needs to be your new role model? ;) Another fellow who had a lot of personalities...and a good thing, too.

Make sure you really really REALLY take care of the non-teacher you(s) when you get home.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I disagree. Playing a part is not dissociation. You may want to read up on IFST as it sounds like you're playing the teacher part. Essentially you're saying that because you become confident and tell yourself things that are yet unproven that you are dissocisting. Telling yourself what you believe to be lies and acting differently again is not dissociation.

 

[Eleanor]

Playing a part is not dissociation.

Solara, could you say more about that? Is the difference in the quality of the consciousness? Or is it a matter of degrees? Surely it could be. Or dissociation could be experienced like that?

Where do you draw the lines of dissociation/acting/pretending and why there? I'm pretty fuzzy on this.

One thing I have observed (painfully closely) is that different dissociated states actually believe different things. "It seems so real...." said my H after a particularly crazy episode... When he is in one state his reality is quite different than it is in another - and they disagree. No one is lying. They are reporting their perceptions and responding accordingly. They might disagree, but... there is no dishonesty here.

When I say something is a lie, I have something very specific in mind, telling something to someone else who is going to believe what I say is true something I know to be false, so that they will act as if what I say is true. It is creating an illusory reality for someone else. This is more than a little different than giving oneself pep talks and "faking it til we make it." "Acting as if" is a perfectly healthy thing to do, and is how most learning of new skills takes place, as far as I can see.

I have occasionally instructed my students to "act smart" if someone is coming to observe my teaching. And, wonderfully, they can! And we all have a great class. Strange, huh?