Sexual Assault I feel disgusting

[showtunie]

I just need validation that I'm not disgusting.
I was assaulted as a kid and diagnosed with PTSD when I was about 14. Now 19, I'm a college student with a really great boyfriend. Last night, we were just fooling around (we're waiting until marriage and all) and I leaned up against him. All of a sudden he broke off from me, asked what I was doing, and when I told him that I was just leaning against him he said, "Don't." And then, "I thought you were trying to have sex with me." As a survivor of assault I was horrified because that was not my intention, which launched me into a full-blown panic attack. I immediately threw on clothes because I didn't want to see my skin anymore. I didn't even want to be in my skin anymore. He held me and calmed me down and just said that he was afraid an accident would happen if we leaned too close to each other. He knew i wouldn't try to do anything to him like that, but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm a monster or just like my attacker. I just need validation that I'm not. I need someone to tell me I'm okay. He said I was perfectly okay and that it wasn't a problem, but I need someone who understands.

 

[The Albatross]

We don't do trigger warnings here as all content is potentially triggering for someone.

Curious though that in first line you mention "consensual" sex as your reason for a trigger warning.

I expect that you are not disgusting. "He said I was perfectly okay and that it wasn't a problem, but I need someone who understands." - not sure why he said you were okay and that it wasn't a problem but you "need someone who understands."

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. He understood right?

 

[Ariadne]

ok, so it sounds like you're afraid that sex itself is assault and you aren't sure you trust yourself to be able to be sexual in a healthy, wholesome, intimate way? Is that about it?
I can relate, I was abused as a child and for a long time I didn't even know it was possible for sex to be consensual and then for a long time even when I "knew" that in my head, my body wasn't sure so anything sexual was very shame-triggering.

That's a pretty normal and understandable way to feel, actually. Especially when assault happened before we've ever had any consensual experience. Do you have a safe therapist you can talk to about PTSD triggers?

 

[showtunie]

We don't do trigger warnings here as all content is potentially triggering for someone.

Curious...

Ah, sorry. I only mentioned the consensual thing just in case someone couldn't/didn't want to read about a sexual experience.
I more meant that I need someone who has gone through something similar to me, because I felt so horrified. He knows everything about me so he knows my experience, so he did understand my panic.

 

[showtunie]

ok, so it sounds like you're afraid that sex itself is assault and you aren't sure you trust yourself t...

Not so much, I guess? I'm generally happy with the stuff we do. When we first started doing stuff I couldn't get through it without panicking, but it's been a few months now and I'm better. I do trust myself and I completely trust him. Like, it wasn't I was leaning into him because I wanted to pressure him or anything, I just did it to get more comfortable. I guess in more context, we were both bare and he was afraid that if we got too close something could accidentally happen (not likely but he was still nervous about it) and I just freaked out because I was afraid I was doing something wrong. Does any of that make sense? My brain's all in a jumble.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. Not really. So what is this, compulsive/impulsive reactivity even when you're partner already supported/reassured you? I'm sorry, I'm really not understanding this so will let someone else/others come forward.

 

[showtunie]

We don't do trigger warnings here as all content is potentially triggering for someone.

Curious...

Ah sorry. I just posted the consensual warning because

Hmmm. Not really. So what is this, compulsive/impulsive reactivity even when you're partner alre...

It was after he said the sex thing that I freaked out. He reassured me after that, I just have really bad anxiety and I felt so bad about the whole situation. And it's okay, I'm generally garbage at explaining things.

 

[Suzetig]

Don't worry about the trigger warning @showtunie, I've edited it out just to keep things tidy - it usually takes a while to get used to how things work around here. Do have a read around - you'll find lots of people who really get what you're dealing with.

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[Deleted member 37474]

You are not disgusting. You and your boyfriend are attempting to be physically intimate with pre-set boundaries. However, I am concerned about your boundaries since your plan is to wait until marriage. It might make it easier to rethink your plan. I am not saying that people can't stop or control themselves physically, but if I was on a diet I might consider not sitting right next to a big plate of chocolate chip cookies while I am hungry. And this is not judging you in any way shape or form. I thought I would wait til marriage as did many of my friends, and we didn't. I kind of regret it, now. But there aren't any time machines where my 40 something year old self gets to go back and talk to me at 19. Plus I seriously doubt that 19 year old me would have listened, anyway. Good luck! Remember that you are beautiful! You have your whole life ahead of you. Things that were done to you in your past is not you. You are you, beautifully made.

 

[showtunie]

You are not disgusting. You and your boyfriend are attempting to be physically intimate with pre-set bo...

Thank you so much. I've been struggling so much this week with intimacy because of it, and this made me feel a lot better. <3
And yes, I will keep that in mind! He's very religious so we most definitely wouldn't cross too far on the boundaries, but I see where you're coming from :) Again, thank you so much. You don't know how much you've helped.

 

[Friday]

Nope. You're not disgusting.

1. A misunderstanding is not an assault. Just because he misunderstood your intent? Doesn't alter your intent. You intended to lean on him. Nothing more.

2. Even a completely non-sexual act, and you stopped -immediately- when he asked you to. Also not an assault, but a gesture of respect.

3. That your mind jumped from misunderstanding to rape? Totally natural given your history. Even when you weren't crossing a mutually agreed upon boundary, that your mind took it to the most egregious form of crossing boundaries? (Not just not respecting the boundary, or their no once you did, but forcing someone against their will) is a very very natural thing to do. It's like if you reach to give someone a hug and they flinched, thinking you were going to hit them? Your mind taking you back to where someone else did hit you, and the sinking awful feeling of someone else thinking you would do that to them... Is a natural domino from physical abuse. But that doesn't mean that you were going to hit them, and it doesn't make you like the people who hit you.