General I From Austin Texas With A Sister Who Has Severe Ptsd, Need Advice

[Bo1]

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry to just jump in without anyone knowing me from Adam. I need advice for me. My sister, who I rescued from an abusive relationship of 30 years is living with me now, it's been 8 months. She is so debilitated that she can't possibly work and we've supported her in every way imaginable without even blinking an eye.

Now she wants to move back to the state that her abuser lives (which is a small place) in with an old friend from elementary school. I feel so scared for her life because she is tempted to call him even living close to 3000 miles away from him. Now the temptation will be worse than ever. I'm also very hurt that she is willing to (in my eyes) throw our relationship away by leaving, in the middle of a difficult time we are having as sisters. She gets irritated by my over concern for her, and it seems she gets irritated over everything I do or say. I have been willing to go through this very difficult time inorder to help her get her own life back, where she is independent and happy. She hasn't even got her feet wet here in Texas yet. She never leaves the house, except for drs appts. But when things get tough she wants to run.

I am so very hurt by this, but more importantly I am scared for her life. Can anyone please help me understand her behavior and 'seemingly' lack of appreciation for everything I have done and lack of value of our relationship. I just don't know how to handle this without my own feelings coming up. I try so hard to just let her make her own choices even when I know them to be mistakes. But this one is huge!

Does anyone have any advice for me or for her? Please. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Bo1,

A relative of mine left a 30+ year abusive relationship and moved in with us and it took about 8 years to stop the man from stalking her intermittently. She only went back on one occassion and did not remain. It took about 20 years to rebuild the core of her self-esteem.
I left an abusive (and what I feared would become more abusive) relationship and fore-goed marrying the person because of it, but it took me about 5 or 6 years to let it (and them) go in my heart.
I currently have dealt with abuse but have no alternative.
Abuse has a deep psychological component of control and manipulation, of course, too, in invisible ways.
You don't mention whether she has PTSD, but that's a whole other set of issues.
Currently and specifically under stress, I find it very difficult to make sense of much, I think even at the best of times or under 'ideal' circumstances it's hard for one to not feel like they've overstayed their welcome, or just become a burden or a chore. From what you have described she has not been able to develop a life there yet or put down 'roots', so I'm wondering if it's 'easier' for her to go back to what she knows. And you don't change 30 years overnight.
And if you do add in PTSD, running is very common.
I hope that you can find help here; you have left the door open for her, if she knows that you care about her and she is not a burden and you welcome her, that is all you can really do.
Best wishes to you.

 

[Tinyflame]

(P.S- Sorry that's hard to read, not sure why the paragraph spaces didn't appear :(
Sorry also, I realize from your Title she does have PTSD- here you will find great information.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Bo1,

There are some PTSD sufferer's that strike out towards the people that support them. It is extremely important that you set boundaries for yourself and definitely make time for yourself, as this is extremely stressful for you and your family too. There is some wonderful information in the supporter's section that you might find helpful.

From the standpoint of someone who has been in an abusive situation in the past, it extremely difficult to understand the degree of control an abuser has over their victim. Being in an abusive relationship for such an extended period of time, it is possible you are seeing a little bit of what is referred to as "stockholm syndrome". Also, change can be terrifying to someone with PTSD. Even though it may not be safe back in the town she came from, that is what she considers home.

You indicate she has doctors appointments so I hope she is seeing a T. Additionally, DV support groups can also be very helpful in assisting her as she transitions to independence.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[OKRADLAK]

I hear that DV can cause as much PTSD as combat. I agree that she may need professional care and ASAP. I hope so much you can get her help. You are a good sister!!

 

[Nicolette]

In it's simplest form - it is always easier to go back to what is familiar, even if unhealthy, than face change. Add PTSD to that and you are likely to find the first to be person to be pushed away/turned away from is either someone close and/or supportive.

My sister has Complex PTSD and she keeps returning to "the scene of the crime" finding familiarity in unhealthy relationships. She tries to pull herself away but the glimmer of hope often fades. I have come to terms with her being an adult and, while concerned for wellbeing, cannot help her unless she is determined to change.

I know you are seeking answers but everything is dependent on your sister and your influence will only be as strong as she will let it be.

 

[Kim]

I am a PTSD / Complex Trauma sufferer and have been for as long as I can remember. PTSD is my "normal". I was emotionally abused and neglected as a child and eventually married a man who treated me the same way that my mother did when I was growing up. As odd as it sounds I didn't trust people who were nice to me -- they were only being nice because they obviously wanted something. Being emotionally abused felt "normal" and "safe" for me. It wasn't until I found myself on the wrong end of a shotgun that I realized there was a definite problem and that I needed to get out and end the marriage. The gun wasn't loaded but I got the message.

 

[Kate in the Desert]

Hi there, Bo!

I'm going to talk a bit about my situation, not because I think we could have the same family dynamics, but just to toss out a couple of thoughts which may (or might not) be of use.

I'm about to go stay with my sister across the country, because I'm pretty darn sure that I have C-Ptsd, and living with my emotionally abusive husband (who I learned -- only well after marriage and moving across the country was a done deal -- was seriously abused as a toddler) is making my psyche disintegrate.

My sister and I love each other very much (and I am much closer to her than I am to my OTHER sister who has always seemed to me to have a huge problem with empathy), and yet I have worries about moving in with her.

Supportive sister talks fast, just like I do. (Unsupportive sister talks s-l-o-w-l-y and at times takes so long to respond that it looks indistinguishable to me from being totally ignored.) The house where I will be staying is one in which people zoom, zoom, zoom, with their lives totally filled with one appointment or social occasion after another (nothing fancy, just meeting with friends).

My brain is broken, and I can't control many of my responses right now. When I get "triggered" by memories or hypervigilance, I sometimes cease being able to process the written word, or speech when spoken QUICKLY.

Do you by any chance, speak quickly? On the TV show you had on, was the volume loud, did the people on the show talk quickly, were there lots of bright or flashing colors? Is this a show that your sister liked before? If not, she could be afraid of telling you that she doesn't like it or can't process what's on the screen (this is true of ME, your situation may be different).

I have to "manage" my TV consumption, and I'm afraid about how to handle that at my sister's house, other than to get up and walk away silently, because I don't WANT to change their own unique enjoyment of life, but there are certain programs which makes my skin crawl for my own reasons which take too long to explain to my loved ones! For instance, I can't handle lots of live shows with competitions involved, perhaps like the one you mentioned. I don'[t know, because I've been ignoring commercial television like the plague -- just public broadcasting and my favorite classic movie channel with no commericial advertising. My neurology is so sensitized I have to stay away from stuff which is too "busy," for lack of a better term.

None of my scenario may apply to your sister and you, in which case I hope you will understand I have no intent to project my own situation on your sister.

I hope you find this place as welcoming as I am finding it to be. I haven't gone down too much into the supporter section, because I'm still at crisis stage with my OWN symptoms while trying to get ready to move back across counry to my "big sister's" house.

p.s. -- Wondering how close in age you two are, and who's the elder sister, etc. Both my sisters are much older than I, and from talking to others I get that each set of family dynamics is unique.