I Had A Bad Day - Any Help Would Be Great

[Riot Boiii]

I won't bore you people with the basics, but i'll just run through a little info about me to see if anyone can help me out in anyway to understand some things.

So i'm a young guy and very nice and social person. Two months before i got married i had a 15ft; 2inch thick glass door break and shatter on my head and i developed PCS and PTSD. Only issue is that i also bought a nice house on 3 acres and now i'm living in a prision.

I found out that i have (wierd typing "have" when i want to say "had"; don't want to bum anyone out though. it's just wierd) PTSD two months after my injury. But now i'm feeling like i need to make everything new and make new friends and travel since i can't Drive, Watch TV, play video games, Spend time with my new Wife, make "Love".

I really can't stop thinking about being away from all of this. "like it's a 'noun' a person place or thing i can get away from.

****a little more about myself real quick so you can figure out who i was and am now****

I'm the type of person that has always been an active and caring person. I believe that anyone can learn anything they "choose" to try and understand (prob why i'm in the tech field. lol!). I self taught guitar for myself when i was 13 (not a single lession or book and i'm not too bad); around the same time i started to work (and we are not talking your normal cutting the grass helpin grandma out) i worked to help other people out and myself (a passion of mine is to see other people happy with everything that i try and do) weather it be work, my love life, or music. i've had passion for everything i did.

When i got the PTSD, i found that my life was pulled apart and dreams (and reality/denial) starting to pull the glue that kept my girlfriend of 9 years and new wife apart. I decided to rescue two kittens (i already had two orange cats) thinking this would help me want to be at home, but it hasn't. I now want to be away; away from all the troubles of my life before PTSD.

People treat me different, brother's mother, father, friends. everyone is giving way to much sympathy when i'm the one who was always strong. I get and recieve thier anger first hand from them experiencing me. I had my little brother explode at me when i was "bitching" at him for explaining how to do somehting

He said "i really don't think you are as bad off as you say you are". and that hurt more then how i had been feeling at the time and aside from the attacks or emotion i would have.

That's where i think i can understand how bad this can be and how any "shrink" treatment is really them telling you what you already know. "somthing is wrong" but rememeber "crazy people don't know they are crazy" so you havn't lost it fully. =-)

I care about how everyone else feels and use to fix thier mess so often i don't know how to take care of myself.

I just want to do things for myself that are going to make me feel better about myself. "Selfish" is not how you would nromally describe me but i'm not the same person anymore. It's like the old cartoons on TV when the charecter get's hurt and they think they are someone else. Well i know for a fact hurting myself would get nothing done. lol! and another injury won't fix my like it does on TV.

####Where i'm at now:

So now i want to get away from my new house and everything that is falling apart. It almost feels like the people on 9/11 running away from the buildings and the dust as the towers fell. I feel like i got to run away or i might get "sad". I want to be who i am now cause i might never be who i was again.

Is there really a point to trying to fix a 9 year relationship? when times were rough then and you were the glue and now the two of us are like "gasoline and fire" we give eachother panic attacks and i'm being mean to her when i don't want to be. i'm tiered of saying i'm sorry and i don't know why i act out. I just feel the stress and i just want to run away like an injured animal licking his wounds until he can find someone who can.

***I'll continue if anyone can share some common ground cause i'm at the end. i almost want a redo with the marrage and relationship thing but now. after being married and seeing that if that person could never help themselves how could they promise to help me?

what happens if i find that perfect someone?....and not for the old me (what my family bases thier feelings on) but the new me; a person i'm just getting to know. (almost like playing for the same sports team your entire life and your team one night decides to trade you and you need to make all new fans).

lyrics and wrting new music are my only saving grace and that and going and finding new friends who are one the same level with me (and i don't mean here)

I'm a punk rocker that turned into weekend warrior into husband/home owner. Now PTSD punk rocker trying to keep his head but can't do all the things that are familiar and meeting new people so far has helped. (i'm not cheating btw) but i don want to make sure my wife is happy and if she can't be with me for more then 2 mins without breaking into tears or talking to me wierd. i really should let her go like a person would let a animal go right before a huricane or after a major desaster.

any thoughts out there? am i being a jerk or i'm i just "further down the the rabbit hole" then i think i am?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum......

PTSD is a bitch to deal with, we all know. But you are responsible for your own actions. (That's something I had to learn the hard way..) Being mean to your wife, or anyone is not acceptable behavior.

Not sure of why you can't drive, watch TV, play video games or make love to your wife... Only you would know the answer to that....

 

[justme4]

Do you have any brain injury or post concussion issues that are causing this. Before making any major life decisions I would seek a full neuro/neuropsych eval to determine if what is causing this has an organic nature. My mothers small seizures changed our life because of the constant personality fluctuatuins after seizure. Be patient and talk to people who can determine the origin of the problem. If there was small brain damage then they have cog. therapy programs to help that are more geared towards training your brain rather than dealing with emotion. Good luck and give it some time.

 

[MELGI]

Riot Boiii,

I have been looking at these forums fr help, and found lots.
The biggest understanding is that behind any illness there is an individual, and - as individuals - we are all different.

I cannot give any educated advise, I am struggling to understand the behaviour of my boyfriend and his silences/rejection.

As a career, I would be in a much better place if he would at least try to talk/communicate with me rather than running away in his own "space".

I wish you to find a way/path soon, whichever that will be ... I can only hope you can find a way to communicate with your loved ones to curb their pain.

All the best

Melgi

 

[hapa_gurl87]

Hi Riot Boy,
OMG you described everything I'm going through. Wanting to discover the new me knowing that I can't have the old me that I was before. That the relationship that worked before may not work for me now because of my condition. That people will treat me differently because I no longer have passion for things the way I used to. And believe it or not writing lyrics really helped me. i guess part of the relation I feel toward your story is being someone who used to have big dreams and ambitions about being a famouse musician and loosing those dreams due to the PtSD and feeling like I have to run but at the same time patch up the old before it gets worse. I know exactly what your going through and believe it or not PTSD works this way for most people you becoem depressed and anxiouse and loose interest and you have to recreate this new you because it doesnt reflect the old you and you dont have really a choice about where you are now or control of your ptsd the way you would like to because its PTSd and its a pain and theres stigma and it brings shame because the powrful person or the fire that made you the person you want to be and once was maybe not to long ago has been watered down or extinguished. Well your definitely not alone and if you ever need someone to talk to talk to me because I really know what your going through and often with ptsd you just want to get up and run away from the pain and fear but what i'm learning is the only way i can heal from my ptsd is work through the stuff in my life I have now and then when im ready move on but i really cant move on until i can accept who i am now and let go of the past or at least feel closure from it and get support and help to cope with my ptsd and symptoms. Well I think you should really think about you right now regardless of the outside forces encompassing your life. Maybe you do need to get a way time to find out the you now and what will fill that gap of whats been missing or you need to feel like you can handle life and enjoy life instead of just trying to survive it.