Relationship I Honestly Don't Know What To Do. Insight??

[MoeX]

I got pregnant before when got the PTSD diagnosis. My SO did have a hard time dealing with it. He didn’t tell his family until I was almost 5 months along. He was distant a lot of the time. I did pretty much everything regarding the baby. A lot of the time he would show up for appointments but I think a lot of it was due to him pretending everything was okay. There were plenty of times I believed I would raise the baby on my own as he wouldn’t contact me unless I called or texted him first.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this when it should be a happy time. I understand how you feel.

 

[He'sMyEverything]

@MoeX It's good to hear from someone who's gone through the same situation. I am at 20 weeks and he has not yet told his family. He told our mutual friends that I wasn't pregnant at all, to the point where I had to show them the sonogram to prove I was. It helps to know that his behavior is typical for the situation. Before knowing about the condition, I always felt like it was my fault. That I had done something wrong. I'm learning now that many of his actions are typical in other cases as well. That its not necessarily all me. I know I'm not exactly a picnic, but I'm trying very hard to understand and be what he needs me to right now, even if that means distance.
Was there ever a point where things started to get better in the pregnancy, or should I expect this for the whole ride? How was he after the baby was born? I know it may not be the same, I'm just trying to prepare myself emotionally and mentally for the future.

 

[MoeX]

I didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time either. Like you I got hidden. He finally told family when I was around 5 months but most friends didn’t know until after delivery. I pulled away from him. I informed him of appointments with no expectations. Surprisingly once I stopped trying so much he started trying more. Still that was only really pertaining to the baby. He wasn’t there for me in any romantic sense. I came to terms that he was just going to co parent with me.

I was concerned that he was not going to bond with the baby. Once she was born he was amazing. He handled changes and bathing. He also started to treat me differently and decided that he wanted us to try to be a family. Our daughter will be three this year. Things get bad sometimes but those times balance with the good times

 

[He'sMyEverything]

@MoeX I'm glad to hear things got better. I can't only hope for the same at this point.

 

[He'sMyEverything]

So I have a situation where I've caught him lying. He's been back from (or maybe never even went) his dad's for over two weeks now and has been lying saying he's 15 plus hours away in order to not take the very same DNA test he asked me for. How do I approach this without making the situation worse? Any insight as to why he would not want something that he asked me to get... This test is costing me over $1200. I find it completely selfish of him to do this when I could be using this money towards the baby... I'm just having a really hard time understanding this...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I completely get the whole PTSD thing, but this guy is just being an ass if it's coming down to a DNA test or essentials for the baby. Yes, I am a sufferer. While the situation is affected by PTSD, he's taking this a bit too far.

I understand wanting to make things work because you've got a kid, but at some point you'll have to accept what he is telling you. His actions speak volumes. Maybe (hopefully) he'll come around, but I think you need to prepare for the very real possibility that he will be an absent dad. If you can't afford the test, then don't get one now since he won't even agree to have it done, and that's money you can use for your baby.

 

[He'sMyEverything]

@Solara So would you say it'd be rational to call him on it? He himself posted about being in the area when I was asking him to schedule an appointment for the test... He put it out there...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think you're being unreasonable by questioning him at all. He told you that he'd have the test done and now he is backing out again? I am afraid you may not get the answer you want, but you don't deserve his game playing. You deserve the truth.

Please don't take this the wrong way. You met him one month and got pregnant the next month. You were still in the honeymoon phase and didn't get a chance to see his PTSD behavior. Other than the pregnancy bit, your story is not uncommon and is posted quite often here on the forum. That is, a woman posts saying she's met the man of her dreams, everything was fantastic, then BAM the isolating behavior hits and the woman is unsure as to what is happening. My point is that I don't necessarily think this is happening solely because of the pregnancy. The isolating behavior would have set in at some point, as soon as the stress built up too much.

I urge you to read all you can about PTSD, especially the stress cup explanation. Read other supporter posts. A relationship with a sufferer isn't easy but you've got the added stress of a child.

I hope he comes around at some point.

 

[MoeX]

You could ask him but honestly where is that going to get you. You already know that he lied about being out of town. I know you are having his baby butt I think you need to take a step back and focus on yourself. Do the test when YOU are ready. Enjoy this pregnancy as much as you can. Don't let him ruin for you what is a beautiful thing.

 

[He'sMyEverything]

Thank you guys, I hope he does too. At this point I'm going to let him be. If he should decide he wants to be in her life, that is his choice. All I really want is for him to do the test, which is already paid for (I had to in order to get the testing materials sent to me). Other than that, I don't want to feel like I'm forcing him to be with me or around the baby just because she exists. I really do hope he comes around but if not I will have to learn to live with his decision. You are so helpful through this, thank you. I will certainly continue to learn about PTSD in case he should want to be a part of her life, so I know what to do to help her through it.