"i Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You."

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi Sadie, I guess I climbed down on my expectations after I went through the heart shattering crisis (over 18 months ago now) when my hubby left home.
I wanted to do whatever I could to help him get back home. I had to be sooooo patient. I had offered to meet up on neutral territory when he was ready. I was patient, so patient. I was screwed up inside and only had enough brain to stay positive. Negative thoughts just sapped me totally inside out.

Depends on where you're standing but goals may be seen as something else to fail at, so best not even try. I have seen many examples of this. Sometimes just making contact is a mountain too high to climb.

hugs
RG

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Sure, he doesn't want to get hurt again and he doesn't want to hurt you by not being able to meet your expectations.

 

[sadiebabie]

Hi Sadie, I guess I climbed down on my expectations after I went through the heart shattering crisis (over 18 months ago now) when my hubby left home.
I wanted to do whatever I could to help him get back home. I had to be sooooo patient. I had offered to meet up on neutral territory when he was ready. I was patient, so patient. I was screwed up inside and only had enough brain to stay positive. Negative thoughts just sapped me totally inside out.

Depends on where you're standing but goals may be seen as something else to fail at, so best not even try. I have seen many examples of this. Sometimes just making contact is a mountain too high to climb.

hugs
RG

The later part of this is my biggest fear. I don't see him calling at least not for a while. And if he doesn't and does one day regret all this, I don't think he'd admit it. He's no one to swallow his pride.

Did you and your husband work things out? If so, how?

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Ok, you don't see him calling for a while but it's important to keep in contact somehow. Maybe email, something light hearted, maybe treat him to some humour, a low key message from home. If he doesn't reply, so what. You wont know what he's having to do and how he's coping. Just stay in touch.

My hubby was away for 14 weeks. We had a holiday together when he came home. Resisted trying to analyze what went wrong but did recognise that he had been trying to do too much for others which caused him to go. As mentioned before, I climbed down on my expectations for his 'recovery' and continue to try to remember how damaging it can be for him to try to do too much.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Well, now I know. I received the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" talk today. Guess I knew it was coming but just didn't want to admit it. The problem is that I am in love with him. And I always will be.

He is under more than tremendous amounts of stress. Every aspect of his life has crumbled around him and he is so lost. He's leaving town and doesn't know where he is going.

But I left the door open. He's leaving his things here until he can figure out what to do and where to go. I've told him that he can use my basement for storage for as long as needed. And I told him that I will always love him and if he ever needs anything that my door and my heart are always open for him.

So I guess that's it. I have lost the best thing in my life. I feel so empty.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Red,
My heart, hugs and prayers go out to you. This is not easy when we are in love - like I tell my friends, if I did not love him this would have been easy to wash my hands of a long time ago.

I lost my husband, my best friend, my lover, the father to our kids all in one zap - it kills you inside - I felt physical pain that I could not believe. I have told our daughter and have to tell myself many many times - we will get through this, and that this may be one of the worst thing in our lives that we have to deal with- but its how we take the journey that makes us better people.

I cry alot - so many memories - a future with him just gone. But I have to move forward and so will you.. Take care of you !! Breathe.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Thanks MB13.

I've decided that I do not believe him and I chalk it up to his life literally crumbling around him. Every aspect of his life has gone down the crapper and I am a casualty. PTSD or not, any person would have a very adverse reaction to the things going on in his life. I won't breach his privacy by going into detail but I've decided that it isn't me. I do wish that we'd been given an even chance on a level playing field, but those weren't the cards we were dealt. Had we had time to develop a relationship under less overwhelming circumstances, I believe we would have gone the distance. So we'll see. I won't be dating anyone else, ever, so should things change and we manage somehow to stay in touch, then we'll see.

This is today. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow....lol.

Red

 

[Steph_F]

I don't want to give false hope, maybe it really truly is over for you guys. Sometimes even when it feels right, it is just not in the cards. Everything happens for a reason.

That being said however maybe you are right. My guy told me the exact same thing when his life started sliding out of his control. Since then, he's told me that back then everything was so overwhelming that he didn't feel like he could not be the man he felt I deserved so he let me go so he would not damage me. He truly wasn't "in love"with me at the time, he needed to focus on himself so much to feel like he would survive. Can you even imagine that?? Here I was bummed out cuz I didn't get to hear the lovey mushy stuff every day and there he was feeling like he was fighting for his life. Looking back I realize I was the selfish one. I stood by him though. I offered my attention and tried to take any pressure off him relationship-wise and with time (and a whole lot of tears) he came back to me.

If you have his things in your house, he must still trust you. Hang in there, let him know you care and you are his friend and if he needs anything, you got his back. Tell him to take his time, make sure you assure him that YOU are ok. If he is dealing with guilt, the last thing he needs is to feel more guilt. As hard as it is, try to give him space and time. Come here often and vent and whine and complain and feel sad...I bet I (we) might have felt something very similar! You are not alone, I promise!

Just a word of caution, something I found out the hard way...really think about who you share your pain with. Sometimes the people that love you may not be willing to understand that PTSD turns perfectly amazing people into a-holes. We understand that, we hate it as much as the sufferers do, but we understand it.

Stay close honey, ok? You will be alright!

 

[Steph_F]

I don't want to give false hope, maybe it really truly is over for you guys. Sometimes even when it feels right, it is just not in the cards. Everything happens for a reason.

That being said however maybe you are right. My guy told me the exact same thing when his life started sliding out of his control. Since then, he's told me that back then everything was so overwhelming that he didn't feel like he could not be the man he felt I deserved so he let me go so he would not damage me. He truly wasn't "in love"with me at the time, he needed to focus on himself so much to feel like he would survive. Can you even imagine that?? Here I was bummed out cuz I didn't get to hear the lovey mushy stuff every day and there he was feeling like he was fighting for his life. Looking back I realize I was the selfish one. I stood by him though. I offered my attention and tried to take any pressure off him relationship-wise and with time (and a whole lot of tears) he came back to me.

If you have his things in your house, he must still trust you. Hang in there, let him know you care and you are his friend and if he needs anything, you got his back. Tell him to take his time, make sure you assure him that YOU are ok. If he is dealing with guilt, the last thing he needs is to feel more guilt. As hard as it is, try to give him space and time. Come here often and vent and whine and complain and feel sad...I bet I (we) might have felt something very similar! You are not alone, I promise!

Just a word of caution, something I found out the hard way...really think about who you share your pain with. Sometimes the people that love you may not be willing to understand that PTSD turns perfectly amazing people into a-holes. We understand that, we hate it as much as the sufferers do, but we understand it.

Stay close honey, ok? You will be alright!

 

[abnvet]

Sometimes the people that love you may not be willing to understand that PTSD turns perfectly amazing people into a-holes. We understand that, we hate it as much as the sufferers do, but we understand it.

Steph,

Awesome post here. Looking back I realize that I was one of those a-holes to my ex-wife and at times am still with my current wife. I now realize that to keep my current relationship in order I must talk with my wife about my "a-hole actions"

 

[Steph_F]

I have never known how scary it can be to share feelings. If it wasn't for the Navy/Army (he served both) my soldier would probably never be cursed with PTSD, but he is. If he never served, I doubt that he would know the strength he has to keep up the fight. I don't know why, but it seems so hard to trust and open your heart sometimes, but go back to the faith you felt in your marriage vows. Remember that moment and remember that its not her fault and protect her by digging deep and letting her in. you can do it!! :)

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

I don't want to give false hope, maybe it really truly is over for you guys. Sometimes even when it feels right, it is just not in the cards. Everything happens for a reason................................

If you have his things in your house, he must still trust you. Hang in there, let him know you care and you are his friend and if he needs anything, you got his back. Tell him to take his time, make sure you assure him that YOU are ok. If he is dealing with guilt, the last thing he needs is to feel more guilt. As hard as it is, try to give him space and time

Red, what Steph has said up there can't be underestimated imho. PTSD seems to mash thoughts and feelings right up which can cause relationships to seem quite bizarre. It's often said by carers/supporters that we walk on eggshells (out of fear of upsetting our loved ones maybe?) and I used to do it a lot in the past. I've learnt!!! Nowadays I feel more secure in our relationship and I definitely don't take his sh*t stuff personally any more.

Now, here's the good bit, just this week my darling hubby has responded to my need for a break and suggested we spend a couple of days away together next weekend. I was blown away by this and felt the wonderful warm glow of being loved and cared for.

Never give up hope. RG